Tuesday, January 16, 2007
This changing doms thing is hard. That was not something I expected. There is so much to sort through, and it is very hard for me to sort out which are things I truly want or need, and which are things I just miss that were unique to Sir D and I. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm struggling, and if that doesn't lead to useless flailing, I'm not sure what does.
Then there was learning that Sir D was at the workshop in January. In some ways, that makes it easier. I don't have to worry that he's trying to shut that part of him down completely. Realizing that it really was that he just didn't want me anymore, that's been harder.
I thought about not going to the next workshop, but I really enjoy them. I learn a lot (and, oh my, do I have a lot to learn), and I enjoy many of the people I see there. Now my brain is busy running through a bunch of scenarios for what happens when I run into him again. Mostly, I just want to see him and know that he's okay. I'm working on stopping the dreams of playing with him again. Even if he ever were interested again, I'm not sure how I'd cope.
I need to move forward. I have a wonderful Master now. He isn't scared off when I get insecure and flail. Instead, he's actually specifically asked that I send him emails as my journal writing. Even L doesn't cope well when I'm floundering in emotions! It feels a bit too good to be true, but since he's asked, he's going to get. Master is definitely in this for the long haul.
The fact that we are both poly helps, I think. Neither of us feels threatened when a primary partner has to come first. Last weekend, we were shopping for Master's Christmas present (and not managing to find it still) and then we were going to go back to my house and play. In the parking lot, Master got a phone call from his wife, and she needed him. While I was disappointed, mostly, I felt relief. This made it very clear that he would be fine when the day comes that L needs me NOW.
Right now, I'm trying very hard to focus on something that Master has told me several times. "Just relax and enjoy the journey." I have something wonderful now. I need to focus on that.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
But here is the story of that first plunge and discovery of all of me.
I'd been reading the rules almost obsessively for two days now. God, I wanted to do this right. I didn't want to give him any cause for being displeased with me. I had no idea how I'd react to punishment, but worse, what if he sent me away?
What to wear? Sir had said I was to strip as soon as I walked in the door, but would he be there? Would he watch me take my clothes off? I sat in the tub, trying to shave myself with shaking hands. Time and again, I ran my fingers over myself. Was I smooth enough? Damn this shaving myself thing was hard when smoothness mattered, not just me being comfortable. Finally, I was dressed. I was far too keyed up to eat. What time was it? I've got to be out the door early. I didn't know how long it would take to get to his house, and I did not want a paddling like that picture. Don't forget the toiletries bag!
In the car, I had to set the cruise control to avoid speeding. I'd read the directions so many times, I had them memorized. I kept checking the printout, just in case. My brain was in such a whirl. Dear god was I actually doing this? I really was driving to the home of a man I'd met once, where I was going to give up control to him. In my head, he was just Sir. Everytime we talked, I was so incredibly turned on. I desperately hoped I wasn't making some terrible mistake.
I'd arrived. There was the big white house with the scaffolding, just as he'd said. I managed to find a parking space, and even one that didn't require me to parallel park! I was early, thank goodness. Now I had to decide when I should go up. Best to only be about 5 minutes early, I decided.
Sitting in the car, music still going from the iPod, I began trembling again. Oh god, I was really going to do this. I was going to go upstairs, take off all my clothes, and let Sir do pretty much whatever he wanted to me (within the limits we'd talked about). Could I do this? Was I crazy to want this so badly? I had my safecall set up. I'd liked him immediately, and somehow, I trusted him. I wanted this too much to back out now. I got out of the car.
I struggled to lock the front door and began to worry that I'd end up late somehow. How strict was Sir about that? Would he be watching the clock, waiting to catch me late? In hindsight, this thought makes me giggle, but it worried me then! Up the stairs to the next door, that one carefully locked behind me. I stopped at the landing with the rug to remove my shoes. Up the stairs to his door. There was a note on the door: "Welcome Whore, come in and kneel on the X." But he'd said to knock twice and he'd tell me to come in ... I decided to hedge my bets and knocked as well. A terrible pause and then I heard his voice, telling me to come in.
I walked through door, hardly able to breathe for the tension that almost overwhelmed me. I shut and locked the door behind me. It was a small room, but clean and comfy. Sir was nowhere in sight. There was the X in the center of the floor. Shaking, I set my bag down next to the door. I didn't want to delay at all, just in case it would anger or annoy him. I kept running over the rules in my head, desperately hoping I wouldn't commit some terrible fault and forget one. Shirt off, bra off, jeans off. Here we go! Slowly, my trembling hands pushed my panties down my legs. I stepped out of them. Socks! Well, my feet would be icicles, but better that than to displease him by leaving anything on.
I felt vaguely as though I were seeing through water. I could hardly breathe, could hardly focus, I just did what I needed to. It was time. Crap! Which direction to face? There were toys laid out on the coffee table and floor, so I decided to face those. I carefully knelt on the X, opened my knees ("never close or cross your legs in my presence"), and shook. God I was so turned on and so scared all at the same time. That I had no idea what was going to happen tonight just upped the intensity. My mind was a tumbled tangle of thoughts, images, things we'd talked about.
I looked around the room a bit. It was sparse, but very clean. I remembered his story of moving to El Salvador for a brief time, so that made sense. My eyes kept scanning over the toys laid out in front of me. A riding crop! Oh lord, what if he wanted to use that? Cuffs, blindfolds, other toys I can't really remember, all seemed to stare back at me. My brain seemed to running about 500 miles a minute, trying to anticipate what would happen, but there wasn't enough data.
Suddenly, Sir was there! His hand gripped my hair wonderfully tightly, and that stern voice said, "You're early, Whore." His hand pulled my head back, and oh god that kiss! So powerful, so possessive, simply taking what he wanted. Suddenly everything clarified. This was what I wanted. This was where I needed to be. This was my place. He released me, and a small part of my brain frantically reminded me: the feet! For god's sake, don't forget to kiss his feet! I slid my knees yet further apart and bent over to gently kiss each foot.
I straightened up and there it was. His wonderfully hard cock. I'd been treasuring the memory of it in my mouth from that first meeting. How it felt, how it tasted, how I loved having it in my mouth. The voice again, "Suck it." I reached for his cock to guide it into my mouth, but stopped short when the stern voice demanded to know if he'd told me to use my hands. Okay, that will be new, but I can do that. Carefully, my mouth took him in. Remembering what I'd learned in the past, I made sure to use my tongue lots, desperately hoping I wasn't too bad at this. A. had said that I was fantastic, but ....
His hands were in my hair, pushing me further down on his cock. Breathe, relax, you can do this. Good lord I had! The pressure let up, allowing me to back off (breathe through your nose now) and begin again. Then his hands were back, pushing, forcing me further. There went the gag reflex and that awful noise! Wow, he actually liked that! What's he saying? mmmm ... "Good Whore, choking on cock." I have no idea how long I knelt there with his cock in my mouth, alternating between Sir in total control and giving me a moment to breathe and do it on my own. I loved every moment of it.
"Lick my ass, Whore" With hardly a thought, I did so. Damn, he's spotlessly clean! Somehow, that realization made it much easier to relax and go with things. Realizing that he certainly seemed to be enjoying himself spurred me on to great efforts. I did wish that I dared use my hands to make things easier. Sir's voice washed over me, giving me such delightfully nasty feedback.
Kneeling before his recliner, he reached for a container. "Let's try some nipple torture, shall we?" Finally, I was going to know what nipple clamps felt like. The ones he chose had rings hanging off them. Pinching, pulling at my nipples, then the bite of clamps on my tender, sensitive nipples. I inhaled sharply, exhaled, and realized that wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Then the camera came into view. Another deep breath, and I knelt with my back as straight as possible. For the first time, someone else had taken a picture of me naked. His hand reached out and flicked the rings; one clamp slid off. I was strangely disappointed when Sir removed the other clamp.
"I believe your profile mentioned you liked phallic gags?" That grin nearly took my breath away, especially when combined with the knowledge that he'd not only read my profile but paid attention. That incredible eye contact was back. Part of me wanted to look away, to protect myself, but the need to be open, to let him in was overwhelming. The buckle was secured. Now came the bit that let me know I was truly safe and okay. Not only did he carefully make eye contact as he explained the safe signals, he even moved my hand to display them. Then it was my turn to make sure I knew what they were.
The porn movie behind us had been playing throughout, subtly reinforcing the intense sexuality of it all. Carefully, I sat in front of the recliner, grateful for the opportunity to be off my knees and restore circulation to my feet. Don't forget, keep the legs open! Legs spread wide, I waited. I had not expected the gentle touches, fingers in my hair, petting, soothing. It was so much to take in. Staring at the screen, his voice behind me, quiet, firm, mesmerizing, telling me to watch the woman onscreen take cock after cock so incredibly deep in her throat, that someday that would be me, and that was what I wanted, wasn't it?
His hands came down to my nipples, rolling, pinching, oh god it felt so good! That first tingle of pain/pleasure was electric. Then the intensity increased with short, sharp slaps to my breasts; a strange new heat spread through me. The wave of humiliation and heat combined that swept over me when Sir began spitting on my breasts was overwhelming. I felt as though I'd been marked as his. Throughout it all, the gag was a constant reminder of my submission and the surrender of my control.
Back on my knees, his cock back in my mouth, all felt right in my world. Through my closed eyelids the flash was startling. Pictures. It was as though the flash went straight to my now very wet cunt. There was documentation of me being a shameless whore, and that turned me on incredibly. Part of me was also thrilled that Sir wanted to take pictures of me. His hand was in my hair, holding me in various poses for pictures that I desperately hoped would please him. After all, wasn't this why I'd made sure to apply the lipstick that didn't come off? Then the command, "Look at me, Whore." The little red light on the camera told me he was taking video of me. "You like looking up at the camera while you suck cock, don't you, Whore?" Entranced, my mouth still full of his cock, I nodded. "Don't you, Whore?!" Daring, I backed off to say, "Yes Sir."
The freedom was intoxicating. For so long, I'd afraid to completely let loose with my sexuality; how would I be perceived if I truly displayed the depth of my desires? Here and now, that was wanted, even demanded. Here, I would be praised and complimented for being a wanton whore. I loved it.
Sir ordered me onto my back with my legs spread wide for him. Standing above me, he spit down on me again. Again, that amazing, twisted combination of humiliation and desire ran through me. Then, that touch of tenderness, as he laid a blanket out on the floor and ordered me onto it. "On your back, whore."
As he settled himself between my legs, I felt so open to him, so vulnerable, yet comfortable and safe. I kept my eyes on him, watching this man who was no longer a stranger. He was Sir, the man who could make me feel things I'd never imagined. Then I felt the cool wetness of lube at my asshole. Something smooth and hard pushed against my hole. I relaxed while desperately hoping my ass was clean inside too. The plug slid in easily, as it was thin and an easy one for my very first experience of a butt plug. A few thrusts with that one, and Sir eased it out of my ass.
More lube was applied to my ass, and then I felt a distinctly larger plug push against my asshole. Remembering what I had read, and my limited experience with ass play, I breathed deeply and worked to relax. Carefully, I pushed back against the plug. It stretched me, but not unbearably. As Sir worked the plug in and out of my ass, I felt so opened, so impaled, but it felt so good. Finally, the plug was fully seated in my ass.
Then I felt the dildo pushing into my cunt. I was beginning to ride high on all these sensations. Sir fucked the dildo in and out of my cunt, telling me to look up at the TV and watch the whore get her ass fucked. I craned my neck to see. Rapidly, I was approaching orgasm. I tried to control my breathing. Finally, I begged to come. The dildo was yanked out of my cunt and Sir sternly told me no. I struggled for a moment and then relaxed. This was the point at which it really slammed home that I was there for his pleasure, not mine. Somehow, that settled me and gave me peace.
Sir adjusted himself between my legs carefully. I felt his cock just at the entrance to my cunt. I was momentarily confused when he stopped, reached down for my hands, and told me to sit up. I grasped his hands, pulled myself up, and gasped as his cock slid into my cunt for the first time, pressing against the plug filling my ass. Briefly, I was allowed to savor the feeling of his cock filling my cunt, and then I was laid back down.
Shifting, Sir began to fuck me in earnest. My brain was whirling with all the sensation. I was being fucked so wonderfully, so hard, and with a plug still in my ass! My eyes were closed as I reveled in the feelings. Sir ordered me to open my eyes and look at him. I looked into his eyes and nearly drowned. Then he ordered me to open my mouth. Confused, I obediently did so. My brain simply stopped as Sir spit down into my mouth and ordered me to swallow. I did and reeled at the tangled mixture of humiliation and arousal.
Three times I didn't think I could hold out any longer and asked to be allowed to cum. Each time, Sir would instantly stop fucking me and tell me no. The last time he said I needed to learn patience and that this wasn't about me. I focused on breathing slowly, feeling everything, and not letting myself go over the edge. I was becoming lost in this effort when Sir leaned over and for the first time, whispered in my ear, "Cum, whore!" Almost instantly, I stopped resisting and gave into all the sensations and came and came and came. Sir never stopped fucking me and it was so incredible.
Finally, Sir pulled out of my cunt, while I laid there and tried to breath again. He gently helped me to sit up and held me for a bit while I came down to earth a bit. Looking me in the eye, he asked if I was ready for more. Softly, I whispered, "Yes Sir." Sir helped me to my feet, as my legs were a bit shaky. He decided that it was time to show his whore off on cam. My stomach twisted with excitement and fear. As we began to walk down the hall, Sir grinned and said there was one more task first.
In the center of the hall was a huge dildo, set upright. Sir waved towards it and told me that first, I had to fuck myself on the dildo and he was going to take pictures. I tried to kneel down on it, but I could not get far enough down to really do it. I thought for a brief moment, decided to use the half-crossed position I'd used as a high school cheerleader. With Sir behind me with the camera, I lowered my cunt onto the dildo. I fucked myself a few times, holding at various points so Sir could take a picture. I was amazed that it fit and even more amazed at how hot it made me to be doing this just so Sir could take pictures.
Then I was kneeling before his chair, naked, with a plug in my ass, with a web cam pointed at me. Yet all I could think about was sucking his cock as best as I could. I took him as deep as I could, and the angle let me get more of Sir's cock this time. I simply gave myself over to my task. Looking back, I can see that this was my introduction to just worshipping his cock.
I focused on using my tongue, and I tried the trick I'd used with A. I rippled my tongue as though I were triple-tonguing the flute I played in school. I was rewarded with a moan of pleasure from Sir. My feet were going numb, and I shifted, trying to get better circulation. I didn't want to stop what I was doing, so I didn't say anything. Finally, Sir ordered me to play with myself, to make myself cum while I sucked his cock. I was so wet, so turned on, that despite the distraction of my feet and the need to continue to suck, it didn't take long at all until I came again.
Eventually, Sir ordered me to kneel a bit further from his chair and to look up at him. I looked up at him, so strong, so stern, so wonderful. Sir was jacking his cock, pointed at my face, and suddenly I realized I was about to get my first facial. "Close your eyes!" he ordered. I did. I heard his breathing change, and then I felt it. So hot on my skin, that smell of sex and man, so yummy. I really wanted to open my mouth and taste his cum, but I hadn't been told to, so I didn't. I was filled with peace and joy. I'd finally begun my journey of submission, and it was even better than I'd dreamed. "Stay there," I heard him say, followed by the camera opening. From the picture Sir sent me afterwards, I know that the peace and joy showed on my face.
Sir had managed not to hit my eyes, so he soon told me to open my eyes. I did, and looked up at him, trying to say with my eyes what I could not find words to speak. He smiled at me and told me to clean up my tits. I carefully ran my finger along one, scooping up the cum and looked straight at him as I put it in my mouth and savored the taste of him. I cleaned up a bit more, and he handed me a towel to remove the rest. I almost didn't want to do it.
Next, I was told to come next to his chair. I sat down with my legs spread (never close or cross your legs) while my feet slowly came back to life and the plug pressed into my ass. Sir downloaded the pictures he'd taken and the video and showed them to me. I'm sure I was blushing everywhere as I watched myself be such a wanton whore, but it turned me on all over again. He went on to show me many pictures he'd taken or that he liked. We got to the pictures of girls being pissed on again. I couldn't take my eyes off them, wondering if that was in store for me yet tonight.
Sir helped me to my feet, and explained that he wasn't going to take things any further on this night. He knew it was a relatively tame scene, but he wanted my introduction to be gradual. I relaxed, no longer fearing that I had displeased him. He told me I could go get in the shower, and to take the butt plug out there. When I removed it, I was startled by the size of it. "That was in my ass?!" I heard Sir chuckle.
Clean and out of the shower, I wasn't sure what to do, but I went looking for Sir. I was still naked, as my clothes were still by the front door. I found him in his bedroom, where there were still more toys laid out on the bed. We embarked on what I have always thought of as the tour of the toy box. Part of me was frankly frightened at what I saw -- canes, floggers, paddles, even an actual whip! Sir explained what each one was and gave a brief idea of what it felt like.
He held a flogger out for me to feel, and I was amazed by how soft the leather was. I was standing partially turned away from him, and he gave me a gentle tap on the ass with the flogger. I startled, gasped, and then controlled myself, letting my breath out slowly. This happened with a few more toys, and then Sir startled me by saying he thought I'd like a bit of sting. I'm sure my eyes were saucers as I asked why he said that. He carefully explained that it was my body language and the way I'd controlled my breathing. Suddenly, I felt like the last wall within myself had tumbled down. Even that most secret longing, to know what pain/pleasure was like, that was visible to him.
As I drove home, I was filled with conflicting emotions. I was amazed at all I had experienced and how comfortable I was with all of it. Had I been good enough? Would he want to play again? Why would he want to play with a chubby newby with lots of things she didn't want to do. But oh I longed to do it again. I knew that my life had changed forever. This was not just a fantasy in my brain, this was who I was.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
T and I got together for the first time since we'd had our relevatory little chat online a few days later. :) We spent probably the first 2-3 hours just cuddling on the couch and talking. T and I have known each other for several years, but certainly not in this context! The talking was very nice and helped to build that connection.
Finally, he grabbed my hair and kissed me. There was quite a bit of kissing, and then T started rubbing, pulling, and pinching my nipples through my shirt. Oh my I love that! After more of that, he slowly started inching my shirt up, lightly tickling my stomach as it was revealed. Apparently he likes the way I squirm. :D Eventually, he got my shirt off, and it was back to my nipples again. He commented on how reactive and sensitive they are. T likes to pinch them HARD. It wasn't long before I was whimpering. It felt so good to be giving up control in an environment where I truly felt comfortable.
After more playing with my nipples and tickling me, T finally slowly, slowly unhooked my bra. He actually left the last hook there for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, I was naked from the waist up. There was lots more pulling my nipples, pinching them HARD. He would also flick my nipples hard with his finger. That always made me jump and squeal a bit. T played with my right nipple much more as it was more accessible to him the way we were cuddling. Even after we shifted, the right one got all the hard abuse. The contrast was very striking. Things that felt good or only hurt some on the left nipple were excruciating on the right (but in that deeply good way).
Eventually, he decided to undo my pants, but didn't have me take them off yet. He slid his fingers under my panties and started playing with me. He'd run his finger around my clit, or up and down my slit. Every once in a while he'd bend over and use his tongue or his teeth on my nipples. By now I was pretty much gasping or whimpering nearly continuously. He wouldn't give me enough to get me close, but oh gods I was wet. T kept this up for quite a while, and I started to get definitely floaty. This was a very different, gradual approach! He changed how he was playing with me and started to get me closer and closer. I was chagrined to realize I didn't know if I was supposed to ask to come or not! And then I wasn't coherent enough to ask even if I wanted to.
T had me stand up and he took my pants down. After a bit of kissing and still more tormenting my nipples, he finally took my now soaking panties down. I was very very glad that the light was quite low and that he didn't make me look at him. I was very self-conscious, suddenly, being naked in front of him for the first time. He sat down on the sofa, and pulled me over to him, making me straddle his knees but remain standing. T then spent what felt like forever playing with my pussy, rubbing his fingers, sometimes just barely sliding one inside, lots of attention to my clit and just below it. It was very hard to remain standing and cope with all that stimulation. I kept getting close, but I couldn't manage to stay standing and relax enough to actually come. Finally I was so on the edge, but I just couldn't manage to verbalize the request, but I didn't dare come without permission. It felt like I just hung there on the edge, trembling and whimpering and desperately wishing I could make myself ask to come.
Looking back on it, I think I was also shy of asking. T doesn't default to talking nasty to me, and has yet to use slut or whore with me, so I didn't feel on quite as firm a ground in asking to come. I wasn't quite sure if he wanted me begging to come over and over or not. There was also the fear that he'd do like Sir does sometimes and stop if I asked.
Finally, T stood up and had me bend over and put my hands on the couch, with my legs still spread wide. I felt very very exposed as he rummaged in his bag for a few of the toys he'd brought. He has this weird "plastic" flogger he found in the bachelorette area at Sex World ages ago that he just loves. He doesn't really use it as a flogger, but he loves to use the hard/slightly sharp ends of the "strands" to tap and whisk, especially in one place. That quickly becomes excruciating, partially because it so focused on one small area. It's not like my whole ass was glowing/hurting, just this one small spot. I really struggled to stay still and take it. He did make me cry out several times.
Then he got out a 5-gallon paint stirrer stick and asked what I thought of paddles. I explained that I was NOT fond of them at all. T got this evil little smile and said, "Even if they are used like this?" He then proceeded to flick my ass with just the edge of it, over and over. He did say that he prefers to keep that for punishment anyways. Finally, he got out his cheap whip (he was distressed to discover that in the 9 months since he last had a sub/slave, his deerskin whip had developed damage). He's not really fond of that one, but he used the loops and snapped it a bit against my ass. He's specialized in a whip for years, apparently. He said he used to be able to blow out a candle with one, and he was looking forward to getting back into practice. The cheap whip had some nice touches, though, especially when he had me stand up and wrapped around one breast, cinching it sooo tight. I began to understand why breast bondage is such fun! He kindly repeated this to the other breast.
Several times in this whole bit, I had to bend over further and rest my elbows on the couch to take some strain off my wrist and shoulder. Gods I felt so incredibly exposed when I did that.
After all of that, he said it was time for me to unwrap MY present, as T had remained fully dressed throughout this. So, I knelt at his feet and began to take his pants down. I was a good girl and tried to show how much I wanted this. Before I took his underwear down, I breathed and kissed his cock through the material first, and then I finally unwrapped my present. Before he let me start, I was startled to learn that he hadn't gotten much head in his life, having had a number of unfortunate experiences with teeth. He said he'd let me try though. :D Now, I had a challenge!
So, I did my best to give him a blow job like he'd never had before. Apparently I succeeded. It wasn't long before T decided he needed to lay down for this. I grinned and then knelt between his legs to continue. I kept doing one of the things I apparently do well (thank you Sir), trying hard to pay attention to what he liked best. I was a bit startled that he was taking so long to cum, but just kept at it. I figured when he started involuntarily trying to rip the carpet, I was doing pretty well. Finally he managed to get out something along the lines of that my jaw must be in agony by now. By the standards of time I've spent with Sir, it was about a medium-length blow job, so I said I was fine, but he got out that I'd apparently managed to take him BEYOND the ability to cum. This would be a first for both of us! He liked it lots though!
We cuddled on the floor a bit and talked some more. He finally sat up and I kind of curled around him. I'd been up front with him that I come down slowly from any intensity, and that I'd discovered the hard way that I needed contact during that time, or I felt alone and abandoned. I did have to be careful to keep my nipples away from the carpet, as they were VERY sore and sensitive.
Well, a few weeks ago (okay almost a month I think!) I logged on to the Alt messenger. I was frankly bored and figured I'd either some interesting conversation or I'd have fun playing with the idiots. I got an IM from a random guy, who opened with asking me about my tag line "Finding my wings." He got my usual honest response, but didn't give me the usual response of silence and then changing the subject. Instead, he responded with "Oh how sweet!" This intrigued me!
For over an hour we talk about everything from our philosophies of BDSM to experiences and what we liked. In that tiny little picture, I caught something familiar, but promptly dismissed it. It would be far too much of a coincidence .... Finally we got around to introductions. "Hi, I'm Nae!" "Hello, I'm 'T'." At this point I needed to pick my jaw up off the ground, so I just crawled under my desk for a moment. :) I was now rather sure that this was the friend I'd thought of when I looked at the tiny picture. I asked a quick question which caused T to respond that obviously we knew each other. I think he figured it out just as I hit enter to give him my full first name, which is how he knew me. Fortunately, things didn't become awkward after that little revelation.
So the upside of this is that I am now having lots of fun playing with T. I have the advantage of someone I've done lots of volunteer work with, that I trusted before this ever came up, and he's just plain fun. :D
T has asked that I continue posting scene reports, so you'll still be getting those (and I have 3 to finish!). :) It's not the same as playing with Sir, and that's just fine with me. We're still having fun.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
As for my grandmother, she's been in the hospital since Sunday. The nursing home sent her there as she was dehydrated. Her blood sugar was also well over 300 (100 is the upper limit of normal). She's still dehydrated after 2 days on IV fluids. We are NOT happy with her nursing home. She's got yet another UTI (her fourth since Memorial Day) that we attribute largely to the fact that they don't get to her fast enough when she needs to go to the bathroom, but she's got this stupid alarm that shrieks if she gets out of her wheelchair ever since she fell. grrrrrrr Fortunately, she's feeling better and may well go back to the nursing home today.
Now, on to what I wrote in class.
Gods, I miss him so. I miss the safety and comfort of the D/s, but more than anything I miss him. Just being with him, being able to make him smile, touching him, soaking in his presence. I still treasure the feel of his hand in my hair, him rubbing my back, the bliss of being wrapped in his arms for a hug.
I need to hang onto the fact that he does want me in his life, as much as he wants anyone right now. It's hard to remember that he doesn't want too many people right now. I so wish I could figure out to make interacting with me less stressful. Really, I should probably just ask him. :)
I spent six months feeling like I got so much and gave so little back. To me, this is my chance to give back to him; I should probably tell him that. Maybe that would make it easier for him to have me help. But I should wait until tomorrow to try talking to him again. I hate feeling like I need to be careful how often I try to contact him. It's so much easier not to be obsessive about it when I actually get to talk to him. I worry and fret, and really, I shouldn't.
I wish I could find a way to make it clearer that I want to time with him, no matter what the context. He's just plain fun to hang out with -- he's such a great guy. I really don't have any expectations that the D/s dynamic is coming back anytime soon.
I'm tempted to Netflix The Secretary again. Hell, I should just buy it. I think it could be very quickly become another "good cry" movie. Gods I want to be able to tell him exactly how I feel. Yet I still stand by my conviction that I need to know that those feelings are wanted/welcomed before I reveal them. I never, ever want D or anyone anyone else I'm seeing to feel ambushed by my emotions. My feelings/emotions are mine to deal with, not his. Yet at the same time, if I don't reveal them, I will never have the opportunity to deepen things.
My heart tells me these feelings are reciprocated -- he does care. He's specifically told me he cares. It's so tempting to fall into dreams about being able to be completely open with him, to not have to worry about saying or revealing too much. However, he feels and acknowledges the intimacy and connection between us. It is so reassuring to know that A was just a blip, that I haven't completely lost my ability to perceive and understand how others feel about me.
Someday ... someday I will kneel for him again. I've been fantasizing about it: maybe his hand suddenly in my hair, maybe just the sudden change in energy and the sound of my title, his name for me, again. Someday he will claim me again. I am still his. That is a point of faith for me. That is why I always follow the rules when I see him. He has not said he is no longer my Master. He simply doesn't want that dynamic right now. For me, continuing to follow the rules is an act of hope. It honors the bond between us. Anytime he wants to use me, I will be ready. I dream of that all the time.
The last time I saw him, we were hugging, and then he gave my ass one good smack, "just so [I] didn't forget." That tiny little taste of darkness ... it was so wonderful. He seemed to enjoy it, even made a comment about how long it had been since he'd spanked anyone. I'm a bit confused about what's wrong ... but hopefully someday I'll learn.
I wish he would talk a bit more to me. When I'm there, open, listening, he talks to me. I wonder if that is part of the problem. Is he afraid of my reaction to something he might reveal? All I can do is continue to be open, to listen, to never turn from him, to always be accepting.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
The roller coaster is a bit much still, but I'm trying to keep things on a more even keel. If nothing else, it isn't fair to L to have me moping around just because I didn't get to see him for a bit this weekend. It's a bit easier to trust, to at least try to relax into that connection. Fine, I didn't see him this weekend. That doesn't mean it's going to be 3 months before I see him again.
I had another one of my little epiphanies today. A dear friend was kindly listening to me whine a couple of weeks ago (before I'd seen D) and then to me trying to exert the patience to wait. She expressed concern that I wasn't getting anything out of waiting for him, that this was all pretty one-sided. At the time, the best answer I could come up with was, "well, I'm not exactly doing anything else right now...." But I've been thinking about that; she's a wise friend and doesn't say things like this lightly. Seeing him has changed the equation somewhat -- I'm no longer twisting in the wind all by my lonesome for months. But I've been pushing it deeper than that.
I posted a little while ago about deciding that I am capable of bottoming for someone else. I went to my very first munch last week with a new friend from Alt. It was fabulous to meet her in person and to get to talk a bit. Going with someone else made it so much less intimidating. I still felt a little of that "oooh! fresh meat!" feeling, but it wasn't overwhelming. I was very startled to be invited to two different play parties and get a fair amount of flirting from some people who are pretty prominent in our local community.
Coming home after that, I kept thinking. The munch made it very obvious that if I want to play, there are people who are interested. It would even be in a public setting, and thus quite safe. Yet honestly, I don't want to. I truly don't. He is the one I want to submit to, as far as he wants to take me.
I ended up telling him that I don't really want to bottom for anyone during a conversation online. Yet I felt the need to apologize and remind him that I turn off the filter when I'm talking to him. Which I do, mostly. But I keep this blog, which he knows nothing about. Why?
Today, I realized it's because I don't want to burden him with all of my emotions. Maybe it's a quirk of having done poly for so long or of having thought about it so hard, but to me, until I know that this depth of emotion is something he wants to, it is just unfair to dump it on him. In a context where I am well used to the fact that relationships will be negotiated, that limits and boundaries will be set, I don't get to simply upend the structure because my emotions changed.
I am slowly moving towards finding a place and time to tell him this. Honestly, though, I've been in some pretty deep depression. From that hole, even the expression of positive emotions can seem like an intolerable burden. He's slowly finding his way out, I think, and I don't want to disrupt that fragile equilibrium.
He's letting me in, a bit, to help. He laughs a bit when I thank him over and over for letting me help, but he had a telling observation last weekend. It's easier for me to help than for him to let me. I truly am immensely grateful that he does let me in.
So, I will wait and hope. And deep within my heart, begin to breath a word I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Tonight, I went over and taught him how to make my tuna pasta salad. Again, I was only there for a couple of hours, but now, I'm feeling much more at peace with where things are at. I no longer fear that he'll drift out of my life. It hasn't been an easy summer, but I made it. Now, I have hope that we've made it too.
The energy for the overt D/s dynamic isn't there right now, but honestly, I'm okay with that. I can believe that when the time is right, that will return too.
It is so reassuring to know that this time, my heart and my intuition were right. These feelings, this connection, they were not just in my imagination. Tonight, as I sat at his feet, my head on his knee, inhaling the scent of him again, I nearly cried with joy. My heart feels whole again.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
I'll confess I did still follow all the rules about seeing him -- freshly shaved, never closing my legs, pretty panties. I even wore a skirt he'd complimented me on. I didn't have any expectations that anything would happen. To me, it was an expression of hope. He has not rescinded the rules. He has not said he will not dominate me again. Heck, I still automatically handed him the keys to drive my car when we ran out to the store quickly.
I'm calmer now that he isn't going to just drift out of my life, and I'm feeling more certain that he wants me in his life (as much as he wants anyone right now). It still drives me crazy that he won't let me in enough to help, but I also understand that's his call to make.
One small sentence stabbed deeply, though. We got back from the store, and he said it was time for him to go up. I asked if he wanted some company, and he declined, saying it was time for his "Friday night thing." Of course I didn't argue, but my heart was saying, "I used to be your 'Friday night thing.'" Dear gods I miss that.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. My brain kept whirling and whirling and whirling on what to do, how to go forward, what could I cope with. Right now, I don't feel like I could truly submit to anyone else. I could play, I could bottom, that I'm sure of. But that searing intensity, that incredible openness, that is his alone. My submission is so tangled in my feelings for him. The ironic thing was that when this all began, I was worried about being able to cope with someone I had no intention of getting emotionally involved with. Last night, I got smacked in the head with the fact that like it or not, I've fallen in love with him.
I've got the beginnings of a plan in my head. I think I'm going to email him and ask him about being my safe call when I finally meet up with M (his plans were derailed by a giant fight with his ex when he dropped his daughter off). I'm going to make it clear that I don't want to need to play with someone else. If nothing else, I've promised M I'll meet him. I'll keep my promise, but I think he's looking for more than just a bottom. That is all I have to give right now.
He mentioned that this hermit phase is a pattern for him, so I'm hoping that if I hang on and wait out the football season, maybe things will change. It's not like I have to do anything else.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
But ... he's obviously still in his hermit phase. He's not answering his phone. I've tried to get together several times just to hang out, but there's no response to that. I'm very proud of the fact that I believe him when he says that this isn't about me, that it is in his head. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't see him, even for a bit to reassure myself that he does want me around, that someday he'll come back.
Friday I just kind of lost it. On the way home from work and for bit afterwards, I just wept. My body is healing rapidly, and my desires are coming back. If I knew that on some specific date, we would at least see each other, hopefully to play again, I think I could live. But this limbo stretches unendingly in front of me. What if he's still hiding when football season is over? How long can I hang here, waiting, wondering, hoping, unknowing?
That night, something kind of snapped in me. I ended up chatting with a very nice guy (M). He'd read my profile! He was interested in reading my blog. He could use the English language with proficiency. He's single, so there was none of that "discreet relationship" crap. We talked for hours. He got a good chunk of the story of this summer, and he listened to it and seemed to understand.
So today I sit here filled with conflicting feelings. I'm going to have a late lunch/coffee with M this afternoon. I've got that familiar mix of excitement, nervousness, craving filling me. But a significant part of me wants to just curl up in the corner and weep again. This is NOT what I want. I want him, the only man I've ever called Sir. The man I would dearly love to be allowed to call my Master. Yet I respect him for recognizing that he's not in that place right now.
If only I could go to him, DO something, little things to at least make his life easier or cheer him a bit. But he won't let me.
When he sent me the email that shattered my world, he specifically stated that he would understand if I needed someone who would be around more. In our last phone call, he reminded me that he would always be my safe call if I needed one. Yet he's not. Because he didn't answer his phone this afternoon, so I couldn't ask him.
Gods, I would give nearly anything just to kneel again to wait for him. Instead I'm going to take my courage in both hands and see if maybe I can try again. But I don't want to.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I haven't talked much about this here, but I help run a convention about anime (a Japanese style of animation) here in the Midwest. It was last weekend. I keep swearing that one of these years I'm going to take a break (maybe 2008 since I've already volunteered to do it again next year). The hotel was ... interesting. In the Chinese sense. Nothing like losing 1 of 4 elevators in a 16-floor hotel with 1700+ people there, much less by 4 pm on Friday! I'm still exhausted, but it seems that almost all attendees had a great time and didn't notice all the snafus behind the scenes. Honestly, that makes it all worth it.
I've exchanged a few emails with Sir and things have settled a bit. We're still friends, we may still play, he does still want me in his life. For me, that's settled quite a bit in my mind. Now, I can honestly believe that it isn't me he's trying to get away from. Now, I don't need to doubt myself for trusting him so. If his life changed, it changed. He didn't exactly go looking for it, but it happened. If nothing else, I haven't lost the dear friend I've found.
Being this helpless has really made me think though. It was profoundly disturbing those first few weeks. There was very little I could do for myself, much less anyone else. I'm not used to that. It is just my nature to be doing for those around me. Even the little things I was physically able to do, I regularly forgot, thanks to the drugs I was on. Being able to do things for others has made me even happier than being able to do things for myself. Although there was an amazing bliss in being able to wash myself for the first time! I'm still trying to sort what, if anything, this tells me about my desire to submit.
For the first time in my life, I've been forbidden to even play with myself. To quote my orthopedist, "large muscle contractions are not your friend these days." This has been VERY difficult for me! I actually haven't quite been able to follow the rules, but I've been careful to keep things low key. I can tell I'm feeling much better, though. I'm getting more and more horny and antsy and did I mention horny? Sadly, L is terrified that she'll end up hurting me somehow. *sigh* Thank GOD I go to the doctor tomorrow!
I'm getting very stir-crazy too. I'm not allowed to drive, and I'm tired of only going places someone else wants to go. If I could have, I'd probably have shown up on Sir's doorstep with dinner and a Netflix by now. I'm just not willing to ask L to take her time to drive me to his place or to any of the local events. She's not interested in them, so why drag her out of the house, when she'll only have to come back to pick me up?
It's hard to be patient and to realize that it's likely to be October before I'm really ready for anything like the kind of play I could handle before I fell. My right shoulder is a total disaster that is going to take a long time to put back together. I have no idea how long it will before I can manage something simple like being on hands and knees. I know that anyone with a scrap of creativity can find plenty of deliciously evil ways to play despite that. But what I'm longing for is the familiar. To be sent to the towel spread at the end of his bed to get into "my" position of hand and knees, knees spread wide, weight on my elbows. To lean against the wall, awaiting the flogger. Someday ....
Well, I've whined enough and L is home from stitch-n-bitch. Hopefully you'll start seeing me around more and commenting more again.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
I then spent the next 24 hours stewing about if I was ever going to hear from him again. This is something I'm very fragile about. I ended the sexual part of my last relationship in an attempt to save the friendship. I've heard from A maybe 6 times since November. We used to talk on a daily basis, just as friends, and see each other weekly. I've seen him 3 times since November. I was very definitely unfairly tarring D with the A brush.
To my honest surprise, I got a response today that said he'd call me tonight or Sunday! Suddenly, I am much more able to cope.
Basically, I can live with infrequent scenes, so long as we don't lose contact. I would be very hurt and betrayed if D just vanished from my life except for an occasional booty call. What I'm still not sure of is if I want to play with anyone else. Honestly, I think much will depend on how often D ends up having the need to see me in a D/s context. This is an intoxicating mix, and I don't want to just stop. But, as I kept wrestling with in the first 24 hours, right now I don't want to play with anyone else. I want D, where the trust already exists, where I am more than a body to play with. I also know myself, and if the time between scenes with D stretches out, I'm going to have the need.
I think what I would be most comfortable with is probably continuing to go to local events, maybe play a bit there and get a feel for some others. I get to have breakfast with the adorable qt3141592 from the other place next Saturday, which will be very good. This could turn out to be good for me, in a way, by pushing me a bit further into the local community.
I'm still scared/skeptical that he'll actually call to tell me when we can get together, but I'm trying to be fair. If he does, that will go a long way towards helping me feel like I can find an equilibrium.