That clipped my wings!

For those of you who haven't heard, I was a great big dumbass Sunday. I slipped and fell in the shower and broke the humerus in my right arm. It's an oblique break, which is good and bad. I don't have to have surgery, but I do have a brace/cast and sling for the next 8-12 weeks. After that, lots and lots of PT. I'm still in a fair amount of pain, although not as bad as before the brace. They have given me the good drugs, at least. Typing with one hand is really annoying on an ergonomic keyboard, so I'll stop now. Prayers and healing vibes are much appreciated.

Calming

I'm much calmer now. Thank you to those who gave me such support. Truly, it helped. I did a lot of thinking overnight and yesterday, and sent D an email. The email basically said, I've thought about this, I think I have some ideas, but we need to talk. I gave him some ideas of my schedule for a bit.

I then spent the next 24 hours stewing about if I was ever going to hear from him again. This is something I'm very fragile about. I ended the sexual part of my last relationship in an attempt to save the friendship. I've heard from A maybe 6 times since November. We used to talk on a daily basis, just as friends, and see each other weekly. I've seen him 3 times since November. I was very definitely unfairly tarring D with the A brush.

To my honest surprise, I got a response today that said he'd call me tonight or Sunday! Suddenly, I am much more able to cope.

Basically, I can live with infrequent scenes, so long as we don't lose contact. I would be very hurt and betrayed if D just vanished from my life except for an occasional booty call. What I'm still not sure of is if I want to play with anyone else. Honestly, I think much will depend on how often D ends up having the need to see me in a D/s context. This is an intoxicating mix, and I don't want to just stop. But, as I kept wrestling with in the first 24 hours, right now I don't want to play with anyone else. I want D, where the trust already exists, where I am more than a body to play with. I also know myself, and if the time between scenes with D stretches out, I'm going to have the need.

I think what I would be most comfortable with is probably continuing to go to local events, maybe play a bit there and get a feel for some others. I get to have breakfast with the adorable qt3141592 from the other place next Saturday, which will be very good. This could turn out to be good for me, in a way, by pushing me a bit further into the local community.

I'm still scared/skeptical that he'll actually call to tell me when we can get together, but I'm trying to be fair. If he does, that will go a long way towards helping me feel like I can find an equilibrium.

Little things

I knew it wasn't good news when the email started with my name. The only time he's ever used my name is when introducing me to someone. It hurt to address the email to D. It made me cry to leave off the closing I've used from the very first. For the first time, I couldn't say "Your Whore."

Shit .... now what?

Well, I screwed up my courage and I asked if he was avoiding himself or me. I was not expecting the answer I got. Basically, his energies are becoming much focused on his AA work and progress. He's been sober for 5 years, and it has been a long hard road to get there. It is one of the things I admire greatly about him. He is very open about this. He was very clear that this had nothing to do with me or my service to him. BDSM just isn't where his head is at right now.

He isn't rejecting BDSM by any means. He is fully aware that this is part of him and it is going to need expression from time to time. He just doesn't see it happening regularly anymore. So, if he wants to hang out or if he wants to play, he'll give me a call. He understands that this is new and very important to me. If I want a more consistent, steady Master, he certainly understands.

At the moment, my heart feels very torn. This is an odd sort of limbo to be in. I haven't been "released" -- I was never collared or owned in the first place. I haven't even been dumped. It just isn't something he wants to do right now. I need to figure out what I need and want now. Well, I know what I want. I want to serve him; not anyone, just him. I also know that I can't have what I want. I don't know what to do. My instinct at the moment is to just tell him I'll take what I can get from him. I am also bitterly and deeply cynical about if I'll ever hear from him again. Which probably isn't fair to him, but my last relationship ended on a supposedly friendly note and almost no contact for the last 5 months.

All those fears and nightmares and worries about having to decide if I could trust anyone else that much? Not bogeymen of my own imagining. Suddenly, I am faced with the situation I have feared and dreaded for months. My brain is in a whirl right now. I'm crying randomly. My head hurts. My heart aches. One minute I'm rehearsing how to go to the next local event, the next I'm suddenly struck that I'll never get to go to a playparty as his. I want to hide, to cry, to mourn, to just get off the fucking merry go round. Instead I need to go change out of work clothes, finish cleaning the house and get ready to host knitting group tonight. Joy.

Losing ....

It's not been a good weekend. I'm losing the battle against my insecurities. I can't seem to redirect my brain from rehearsing the end. It's not fair to Sir. It's been a whopping 4 days since I heard from him ( to say that the schedule was looking crowded for this weekend). I just wish I could shake this conviction that for some reason, he's tired of me or at least of trying to make this D/s thing work when I have a primary relationship.

Currently, I'm trying to hold to a decision to not contact Sir. He's heard from me a couple of times trying to schedule things (which he has explicitly said he would like me to do, as it my relationship with L that requires that things be scheduled at least 24 hours in advance). I sent him a quick offline message this morning stating that I was looking forward to serving him again. I dislike setting up "tests" for relationships, but I also need to know that he does want to see me.

If I get to two full weeks without contact, then I think it will be time to find out if things truly are over. I hate myself for planning this, but I can't stand the limbo anymore.

I'm still trying to focus on serving him again and on honoring the bond between us, but I'm getting very afraid. I'm starting to dream-rehearse things too, which is never a good sign.

I'm also strongly debating breaking my contact deadline and trying to talk to him and tell him how much this bothers me. He's just not online much anymore, and that is good because it means he's getting out and not being a hermit anymore. It also means that our primary means of communication doesn't work so well.

Sorry for the whining, but I needed to do it somewhere.

What an amazing journey

Six months ago tonight, for the very first time, I climbed the steps to Sir's home. I could hardly breathe and I trembled as I read the note left for me on the door, "Welcome Whore, come in and kneel on the X." With a deep breath, I opened the door. For the first time, I removed all my clothing, carefully placing it next to the door. Shaking, I knelt on the X, facing the coffee table with various toys displayed on it. What shook me the most was that I had no idea where this step would take me.

That was another step on a journey that amazes me every day. In the past six months I have learned so much, discovered unexpected things about myself. Yet with every step along the way, I have been completely without fear. As I continue to read blogs and get to know others, I understand more and more how special that is.

I am beyond fortunate. From the very first, I have been able to submit to a man with the experience, the self-control, and the empathy to lead me along this journey. He takes care to continue to learn. I have truly never been so intensely paid attention to in all my life. In just two months, I came to trust him so much that I dropped all but my hardest limits with him. That trust continues to grow. Because of that trust, I am free to push myself and to even think about exploring one of those hard limits. To find someone worthy of that trust is a gift beyond price.

It has not always been an easy journey. The greatest battle has been with my own demons and insecurities. It is hard for me to continue to honor this bond between us, even when days go by with little opportunity to even talk to him. But I will continue to fight that battle. I am determined not to allow my insecurities to pull me away. As I have trusted him, I feel (I think, I hope) that he also trusts me. I will honor that trust, that bond.

As I have faced my fears and conquered them (usually turning them into a love of the activity!), my confidence in myself has grown. As a dear friend told me when I began this journey, "Doing scary things even though you can stop them with a word, now that creates power!" Learning that I can move beyond these fears has spread into the rest of my life. Sir generally prefers to keep his control to when I am with him, but the confidence I've gained has spread.

I talk about this a lot in my various blogs, but the feeling of peace and serenity that flows over me every time I wait for him are very precious to me. With him, I am free to be all of me, from the intelligent woman who runs conventions to his insatiable whore who will do anything to please him. I treasure that freedom. When I kneel to await him, I am in the place I long to be, I am fulfilling who I am.

Thank you Sir. Thank you for leading me each step down this journey. Thank you for being the man you, so deserving of my trust and respect. Thank you for accepting me, for freeing me, for making me feel so cherished and cared for.

My only hope is that this journey continues. The longing to serve Sir is almost overwhelming at times.

Longing for catharsis, for release

As I put it to a friend the other day, my job has thrown up all over me. I'm the office manager for an insurance agency. I handle everything from daily admin stuff to training the new agents on all our systems. I've been at this job for almost a year and a half, and I love it. There is always something new to do, I get to teach people, but the biggest reason my job is great has been my boss. She's fantastic to work with.

For starters, that statement "to work with" is very true. I haven't worked for her, I've worked with her. Not only does she trust me to do my job, she listens to me about the rest of the agency as well. I've been an integral part of a lot of key decisions, and that is something I thrive on. She's also become a friend. I go to lunch with my boss probably twice a week (and we go dutch!) because I like to. We've gone shopping together -- she helped me pick out my latest pair of summer shoes for the office and the toenail polish color that went with them. :D

However, this job has been hell for her. Not only has she not received the support she needs from her manager, but he's actively undermined her authority within the agency regularly. Our district director is a classic case of a Dilbert manager -- he's certainly been promoted to the level of his incompetence. She actually developed shingles this winter from the stress. So she's leaving. She got a fantastic offer to move back to Colorado and become an agent again.

I'm thrilled for her. She will be closer to her family, back in the church and the social circle she loves. But god is my life going to suck at work this summer. I probably won't have a new manager until September at the earliest. That throws a whole new set of responsibilities on my shoulders.

I have two new agents who started on Monday. The first 3 months of training are crucial to the success of a new agent. As my boss keeps telling me, I am not the manager, I'm not getting paid to be the manager. But I still would never forgive myself if either of these guys fails because I didn't train him properly. I can see the problems our other agents are having because their training was half-assed and unplanned.

Apparently we may be hiring another new agent after my manager leaves. She's a great candidate and I think she'll be an excellent addition to the agency. But that's another one I'll be responsible for getting her off on the right path.

Fortunately, it looks like the other boulder that was going to come crashing down on me isn't going to happen. We came this close to losing one of our biggest agents. He was threatening to go to a competing agency that is well known for their highly predatory tactics in going after clients. He's also in a small town about 30 miles north of our office. One of the new agents is planning to be based out of that town (he was hired to take over when this agent retires in a few years). So suddenly I was looking at having to force train a new agent, find him an office, supervise the build-out, find him an assistant (or two), figure out how to make sure the company pays for them, and train the assistants. I get a headache just thinking about it.

So aside from needing to vent all of this, where is the catharsis and release content? Because oh god do I crave the peace that comes when I kneel and await Sir's pleasure. I need to let go, to give up all control, to know my place and how to fulfill my purpose. I also have a rapidly building need for a shattering catharsis, to release all of this. It's enough to make me almost hope that Sir's plans for Saturday evening don't work out. I'm becoming subsumed in this longing and need.

Displayed

My mind keeps returning to how I felt having my nicely striped ass displayed at the workshop last week. While in several ways it was humiliating, it was also very hot. What is interesting to me is how reassuring it is becoming.

I get insecure very easily. I am all too aware of my faults, my neediness, my constant need for reassurance. I let that insecurity kill my last relationship; it became an excuse to pull away, shelter myself, hide again. When I pulled away, he assumed my interest had gone. I vowed never to allow that to happen again.

The simple fact that Sir wanted people to see [I]me[/I], to display [I]me[/I], has become very reassuring to me. I am oddly proud of that. It is also hard to believe that it truly happened.

Even as I stood there, bent over with my skirt flipped up, I settled into a quiet pride and a determination to stand there until told otherwise. It made me squirm inside, yet it also made me stand tall (while bent over!).

This has been another difficult week. The schedules are getting more difficult. It has been very hard to redirect myself to positive thoughts, to focusing on honouring the bond. I miss him, I long for him, for the peace I feel kneeling and waiting for him. It will happen; I only hope it is soon.

Canes again!

Last night was the Erotic Deviance workshop on caning. Sir definitely wanted to go, and I really enjoyed the flogging workshop last month, so I made plans to go as well. Parking was HARD to find. I ended up parking a few blocks away to avoid being late. Once I got there, it was very good to see Sir and T and S. I really like S -- I have a feeling she'd be fun to hang out with. T is just a hoot -- it's such fun to watch she and Sir interact.

The talks and demonstrations were very interesting and well done, as usual. They have such good handouts too! I wasn't able to read much of the handout, as I kept using it to fan Sir and myself. It was very warm in the space.

While Sir had brought most of his cane collection, he was not planning on playing with anyone. He was uncomfortably warm. So instead we did a lot of watching of the various scenes going on. T had brought some friends/co-workers (now THERE'S a job!), and I ended up talking to one of them for a bit about what a cane felt like. She was almost overwhelmed, and we also talked about the fact that most people didn't start out liking being caned.

At one point, Sir was talking with someone he knew (I wish I wasn't so bad with names!). I glanced over at him, and he motioned me over to him. There was a bit of bantering conversation about orgasm control, and Sir laughed and said if the sluts were allowed to come all the time, there's be a puddle. I couldn't resist, grinned, and stated that if it was me, it would be more like a lake! :D Then Sir mentioned something I hadn't quite realized -- without overtly trying to, I can pretty much cum on command from Sir. I thought about it a moment and realized it was quite true.

Then Sir just couldn't resist at least taking out his toys and showing one of them to T. Yes, he showed off that evil horse thing again. I'm still not sure what to call it! Soon, he'd started playing. :) First he had some fun with one of the smaller canes and T's breasts. Once he was done with that, it was my turn.

Suddenly, I was very nervous. I really hadn't expected Sir to want to play when it was so warm, and I'm not exactly experienced with a cane. I worried that I wouldn't be able to take it well or that I'd get all dramatic and embarrass Sir. Still, I did as he wished and bent over the table, resting my arms on it. I was also very conscious of being right in front of T and S, and they'd never watched Sir play with me before. I so wanted to do well.

I wore a denim skirt, and Sir just lifted it up across my back. I was very glad I had bothered to put on the black lace panties. :D I promptly closed my eyes and worked hard on breathing deeply. I kept reminding myself that I'd taken far more than I dreamed I could on Monday, and I could do this. It felt more exposed somehow, not having removed any clothing.

Then the cane was wandering around my ass, tapping, tapping. I find the tapping harder to take than the strikes, in some ways. I'm still thinking about why, but I think it's because the pain all runs together. The cane stilled along one cheek, and then the fire. There was just enough noise in the room that this time I couldn't hear the swish. Sir definitely has certain places on my ass he's fond of, because he hit a spot that was still a touch sore.

Sir definitely has a habit of laying the cane where he wants to hit and then doing so. This time, I did much better at not getting all freaked out inside my head when it was a sore spot. Which meant I was a bit more relaxed and the strikes were a bit easier to take. At one point he gave me a thorough strike low on my thighs, stopped to admire the effect and commented "Hope you weren't planning on wearing shorts anytime soon!" He was quite right -- I actually did bruise there!

It took everything I had not to really cry out several times. The cane definitely pushes my limits, but I learned that I can handle it better than I thought I would. Looking back, I'm startled at how deep I dropped. For much of it, I was completely unaware of anyone but Sir.

That standing bent over position was hard to maintain sometimes. I learned just how much I tense up when the pain is hard to take -- my legs were really beginning to cramp. At least Sir only had to tell me to bend my knees once (that I remember). Sir reminded me once to let him know if it got too much, and told me it was hard to hear me, so I should use our safe signals if needed. Sometimes, I'm so stereotypical, because my first thought was a determination NOT to do so. Yet, that determination did help me to push through.

I remember having to consciously relax to avoid the cramps in my legs a few times. I'm pleased that I managed it, even knowing that the fire was coming again. Sir would often place his hand on the small of my back. I'm not sure if I was showing too much tendency to move, or if it was just a bit of extra connection. That really helped, though. At one point he made me a happy girl when he grabbed my hair and gave me a good whack. Gods, I love when he grabs my hair.

When he was done, I just panted for a moment. Sir ran his hand over my ass and gave me a good swat on each cheek. These days, when he does that, it makes me all tingly and happy; it reminds me that he likes my ass. That's something I don't think I want to get to used to; I want it to stay fresh and amazing.

Sir then startled me by ordering me to turn around and show off my ass. There weren't a ton of people in that direction (I don't think). I did so, feeling such a mix of humiliation and pride at being displayed so. Then he upped the ante by telling me to stand forward so they could see better! I did it, waiting until he came to me and brought my skirt down. I ended up mostly feeling proud that he wanted to display me like that.

A brief moment held in his arms, and then he went to get me some water. I carefully headed back to the chairs and GENTLY sat down. He kindly brought the water to me, and we sat and chatted for a bit. I got a lovely compliment from T's friend/coworker. I realized that once again, I could actually feel how hot my ass was. One thing that I'm less fond of about the scenes at workshops and the like is that I have to come down quickly and thoroughly. I don't do that well, and I miss a more tactile approach to coming down.

It was getting later and Sir has to get up so early, so we headed out. I supposed I could have stayed and been social, but I'm pretty fragile after a scene like that. I just didn't feel up to being social with people I don't know that well; I have a definite tendency to hang on the sidelines a bit more and absorb how a new group works.

Sir was very kind and walked me to my car, since it was a bit of a hike. I drove him to his car. Driving home, I realized I was still pretty spacy -- it took some concentrating to drive safely. I also realized that my ass was SORE. I began to wonder if the welts/weals would still be there when I got home.

When I got home, the first thing I did was run upstairs and check. Sure enough, I actually got to see the welts! A couple are even still visible today, and the bruises on my thighs will be there for a bit. I don't bruise easily, and when I do, it takes a while to heal. Fortunately, I don't wear skirts that high much at all.

I'm learning that I can take more than I ever thought, and that I like that. :D

Diving deep again

I indulged this past week and took Monday afternoon off to see Sir. With his schedule, that gave us the most possible time. I hadn't dared to tell him, but I found myself craving some real intensity and I wanted my limits pushed. It was like all my longing during May needed an outlet. I tried to make sure that I wasn't expecting it, though. If I didn't have the guts to communicate it, I'd better not work myself up if I didn't get it!

I was so excited and happy to see Sir. I almost hurried through my preparations and my head was full of remembering the previous weekend (this had consequences later). I was actually almost half an hour early! Since I knew Sir would have only gotten home recently, I decided not to call him. Instead, I just sat in my car and listened to my iPod. Finally I couldn't wait any longer, and I was now less than ten minutes early.

The towel was waiting for me on the living room floor. I knelt and waited for Sir. That sense of peace and rightness settled over me. Here was where I wanted and needed to be. I focused on being as open as I could be. Finally, I heard his step behind me. His hand in my hair was promptly followed by his cock in my mouth. Bliss! At one point, he was smacking my ass with the crop in his hand while I was sucking his cock; that was fun! We played like that for a while.

Then Sir decided to put the nipple clamps on. I was just so happy to be there, to be with him again, I couldn't resist finding a way to sneak a cuddle. I ended up being a bit cat-like and rubbing my face against his arm while he put the clamps on. I'm not sure why this bit sticks in my head so, but it has. The blindfold went on next. Sir led me down the hallway to his study.

I was so flattered -- Sir wanted to show me off on cam while I sucked his cock. Time just kind of went away for a lovely long time, as I knelt and reveled in what I was doing. Sir had fun playing with the clamps and pulling on the chain. It was so hard to be quiet when he did that. Fortunately, the clamps came off at some point in there. Sometimes, Sir would pass along compliments he was getting about the show. Those mostly made me proud, but there was a part of me that was just squirming that strangers were watching me too. At one point, Sir even fucked me on cam (another first!). That is when I wished I were taller, because it gets hard to maintain my balance on my toes like that.

Finally Sir decided he wanted to flog me. I was just dancing inside, because Sir does not flog me lightly (not anymore!) and I so wanted a good thorough beating. Still blindfolded, he led me out the living room, placed me against the wall, and got me a wonderfully cold bottle of water. Then, it was time. I was just blissful. Getting flogged is one of those things that can just send me so deep so quickly. I think I'm getting better at controlling my breathing. Sir didn't have to tell me to slow down nearly as much as he used to.

It was not a conscious thing, but as the flogging moved up in intensity, I found myself repeating over and over in my head, "I want this." I'm still not sure exactly why. It did make it much easier to take the pain in. Looking back, I think it also helped to keep me from tightening up and beginning to panic about being overwhelmed by all the sensation. I hope I'm learning to move past that. I really want to feel completely overwhelmed again.

This did become quite the intense flogging. Sir worked up through several floggers to "Moosey" as the moose-hide flogger is affectionately nicknamed. Then he worked back down. Finally, he came to me, placed the handle of the flogger up against my cunt and told me to close my legs and hold it there. He played with my nipples a bit, and then simply leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "Cum!" Oh my did I! These days, it's like there's just so much pent up inside me when I'm with Sir. And that one little word is all it takes to release it. I'm still fascinated by how different orgasms can be, though! :D Once I calmed down a bit, Sir made me lick the flogger handle clean.

Then it was off to the bed, still following him, just a bit shaky now! On all fours on the bed, I was rewarded with his cock in my cunt. Nearly instantly, I was having to work so hard not to cum. Sir was very generous and gave me permission to cum very soon. That was so wonderful! Sir then decided it was time to fuck my ass. I'm not sure why, but it was very painful at first. Fortunately, we moved past that quickly and then it was so good. Sir noticed I was trying hard not to cum again, and gave me permission again!

At that point, I came crashing down a bit. I've been enjoying that getting that waxing meant I didn't have to shave and my cunt was still staying nice and smooth. Well I'd managed to forget about the hairs that were missed. I hadn't shaved them off, and Sir had noticed. One of the very first rules he gave me was that any time I saw him, I was to be freshly shaved and smooth. He certainly approves of the waxing, but he was very disappointed that I hadn't shaved those long hairs off.

Thus, I wasn't allowed to cum again that day. There would be more consequences later. Sir continued to enjoy fucking my ass for a while, and I just had to hang on and not cum. Then I was told that I would be feeling the cane today. I shivered -- I'd only been caned once before and I knew Sir had gone lightly and easily on me, and it had been very hard. I was still feeling very badly that I had neglected something that I knew I needed to take care of.

Sir had me lay flat on the bed, picked up the cane, and wondered aloud how many I should get. He decided that since the next day was 6/6/06, there should be 18 strokes. I was to count each of them. I was getting very worried now -- I think I got about 4 or 5 good whacks the last time with a cane. I could not imagine how I was going to get through 18, much less keep count. I took a deep breath and figured I'd find a way somehow. Sir had never pushed me past what I could take before.

Tap, tap, tap across my ass -- somehow that just seemed to make me tense up more. Swish -- crack! "One, Sir." Damn that was white-hot. I tried hard to breath slowly and deeply. He kept working up and down my ass and thighs. It was a real struggle to stay there, to take it. Sir did have to stop and remind me to slow down, to breathe, several times. At one point he snapped out at me to take the pain, that I deserved it. That helped. It focused me again and made me determined that I would get through this and please him.

By the last few, I couldn't stop from crying out and this odd whimper/sobbing, but I did it. I was so relieved to be able to get out "Eighteen, Sir!" and just collapse on the bed, shaking and whimpering. Sir was right there, soothing me, telling me I was a good girl. He also pointed out that I took much more than I thought I could, which made me very proud. The lovely soft rabbit fur soothed my ass, and I calmed down. Sir laid down next to me and held me. I so needed that connection again. I could feel the heat from my ass though!

After a little bit, I was allowed to suck Sir's cock again and to lick his ass. I so love pleasing him like that -- he is very clear how much he enjoys that, which makes it even better for me.

Then we thought we were done, I was still laying on the bed as Sir was moving toys and things around. Curious, I asked him which canes he'd used on me. I knew there were a couple of them. I was amazed that I managed to take the bamboo one -- it looked big! Sir pointed out that he hadn't used the big green acrylic one, for which I was very thankful! He was moving things around again and I saw that nasty green palm-tree looking thing. Silly me commented on how much I hated that. Sir grinned, recalled when he'd last used it on me (only our second scene!), and promptly used it on my tits. That thing is SHARP and I'm not fond of it.

This lead into the tour of the toybox -- which was fun! I also made the mistake of pointing out to Sir that he'd never used a paddle on me, or a slapper. He quickly remedied that! He also found this evil looking thing that had two leather tails shaped like long sharply pointed leaves on the end. That thing is NASTY -- the best I could describe it to him was like the worst of the cane and the paddle, because it is a white-hot pain, but spread over a wide area.

Then I ended up rolling over on my back (still not sure how that happened), and he used a couple of short leather strap-like things and the crop and his hands on my tits and my cunt and my thighs. Ooooh it was so hard to stay where he wanted me! I still have a significant tendency to pull my legs up when he's smacking my cunt, but I do always manage to put my legs back down. To me, that is another reinforcement that I submit to Sir, that nothing is forced. I don't want him to smack my thighs with the short strap, but he wants to, so I lay my legs down and leave my cunt open to him again.

Finally, it was off to the tub. I knelt in the tub, faced Sir, and took a deep breath. This time, he made me tell him that I did want him to piss on me. So he did. This is still something that just picks my brain up, shakes it for a bit, and then rolls it around. It is almost completely mental for me.

I certainly got the intensity that I'd been longing for! It took me quite a while to come down! I went to get myself some dinner, since L wasn't home that night. Every time I moved, I was VERY aware of how I'd spent my afternoon, and I loved it. Most importantly, I'd been able to go deep as I had been longing, to just give myself up to Sir and feel and please him.