Finally

Oh how I had missed Sir! I was finally able to see him on Sunday. I was so happy I was almost shaking as I knelt waiting for him. It's also very nice to know that there are people who understand how right everything was in my world when his cock was down my throat before I even said hello. I was such a tangle of emotions: so very happy, a bit relieved that I hadn't somehow gotten out of practice in serving him, turned on like crazy, but most of all, just slipping into that peace of serving him, of bringing him pleasure.

As I'm sure most of you reading here can tell, being apart from Sir sent me into my own funk as well. While Sir did his best to make sure I understood that he was just working through some things and they had nothing to do with me, it's very hard for part of my brain to avoid becoming convinced that everything is over. I did better at managing the emotional roller coaster this time (thank you again, Fella!), but it wasn't always easy. This had shown in little ways -- I couldn't summon up the energy to do some of the grooming things I did regularly when I saw Sir every week. Being firmly convinced that a little retail therapy is always good, I decided to splurge and get a Brazilian wax.

Ooooh my that was so worth it! It hurt lots while she was doing it, but I'm not going back to shaving, that's for sure! I also got all silly because I knew Sir would like it too. I was originally going to surprise him with it, but I just couldn't wait and spilled the beans. He teased me that I was going to get wet, given my usual pain response. It was such fun to get a text message from him in the middle of the waxing session asking if I was wet! The woman doing it didn't seem to notice that it did, but she did comment on my excellent pain management skills. I had to scramble to come up with a reason I knew all about breathing to manage pain, since I don't have kids. :)

I was up early. I hadn't though about how not having to shave so carefully was going to make my preparations faster, so I was ready quite early. I logged into IM just to pass the time and Sir was online -- once I told him I was ready, he said to come early, as the heat was getting intense already. I was practically bouncing as I drove. Sir hadn't allowed me to cum since L left town and I was wound up!

Once I arrived, it was so good to fall back into that ritual of locking the doors behind me, stripping, and kneeling. When I was on my knees, waiting for him, there was this wave of relief so strong I nearly cried. I realized how afraid I'd been that I would never kneel there again, waiting to please Sir. I was back and I was filled with joy to be there.

"Welcome back, whore." With a caress to my hair, his cock was in my mouth. This was where I wanted, needed to be. Filled with him, with his scent, bringing him pleasure. All was right in my world again.

The hand on my back, sending me to the floor to check out the waxing job. I wanted to pout when he discovered that some had been missed, but he still liked the results. I was certainly wet already! Then he was sliding into my cunt, filling me, and I wanted to cry and cum all at the same time. Just a taste, and Sir decided I was just a bit too keyed up. In went the ball gag and on went the nipple clamps; at least the clamps were only the tweezer kind, but they still felt so good. After a few slaps to my tits and even a bit on my face, it was off to the bed.

Sir alternated between fucking me and flogging me and it was so good. I was glad for the gag, as I really had to work not to make lots of noise. Trying not to cum as he fucked my cunt was so hard, but I reveled in it. It was warm, so the flogger would stick to my skin sometimes, but I liked the tug on my skin as Sir pulled the flogger off. At first, Sir used the light suede flogger, nice and stingy. Eventually he got out one of the heavier ones and oooh I loved that.

When Sir began fucking my ass, I was very grateful for all the lube he'd used. I was a bit worried that since it had been a while, it would be rather painful again, but it was just right. Getting flogged and fucked at the same time? Mmm that was fun!

Every time Sir's hands reached forward, I knew I was going to have to work even harder to avoid cumming without permission. He would reach forward and play with my clamped nipples. Thank goodness he'd already given me permission to cum when he took the clamps off!

Sir takes such good care of me -- he made sure he got me lots of water to keep me hydrated. He was getting uncomfortably hot in the bedroom, so we moved to the living room couch for some more fun. I like that couch! It seems to be comfortable for Sir, and it's quite comfortable for me to be on my knees and using my mouth to please him. I loved doing that -- it is such a comfortable angle to take all of him, or I can do lots of other things he enjoys.

It was a fairly light and brief time, as the heat was really getting to Sir and was even starting to get to me. So we installed the new AC unit I found him and went to have a fabulous lunch. If you are in the Twin Cities area, I highly recommend Maria's Cafe in the Ancient Traders Market on Franklin. Fantastic Columbian food and great breakfasts too!

While this may not have been an incredibly intense reunion, it gave me the reconnection with Sir that I desperately needed.

Good struggles

It's amazing how even brief chats two nights in a row lifts my spirits. Just to know that he makes the effort to say hi means so much. I'm more than willing to wait as patiently as I can while he works through this. My own struggles with depression make this empathy all too easy. Of course being me, now the struggle is with knowing there isn't really anything I can do help or to make things better. All I can do is wait and care and hope. To me, that is the hardest part of having someone close to you who is very depressed. No matter how much you would love to take on some of that burden, all you can do is stand by and be supportive to the core of your being.

Write the good stuff too!

In reading this blog, I'm realizing that I only tend to write when I'm very wound up or when it is something Sir has asked me to write. Since I tend to write when I'm insecure or otherwise not feeling positive about how things are going, I'm going to make more of an effort to blog the good times too.

We're approaching a return to good times. I was able to chat with Sir briefly before he had to get to sleep tonight. He's still struggling with his "bad funk"; however, when I offered a simple listening ear, he didn't turn me down. He simply said he wasn't quite ready to talk yet. He is making the effort to communicate, even if it is brief.

Perhaps it is because when I get depressed, I become very withdrawn and try very hard to be self-sufficient, but I am very appreciative of these efforts to communicate. I'm trying to give him the time he needs.

Fellahere, your point about honoring our bond has been very helpful. I've also been working hard at refocusing that rehearsal portion of my brain. I am making a conscious effort to rehearse what I will do when Sir and I play next, not how it will all come crashing down. It is really having an effect on my stability. Thank you!

The Thread Running Underneath It All...

I've noticed that almost every morning as I get ready, or any other time that I'm quiet, running through the back of my head is simply, "please Sir." I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but I've got some ideas.

Part of it is a simple plea that this amazing journey continue. The intensity, the bond, the trust between us is wonderful. I have a very hard time thinking of how I could come to trust someone else this thoroughly. Knowing that he feels this intensity himself is a lifeline sometimes.

Part of it is my personal demon, my own insecurity. I truly have gained quite a bit of confidence in myself and in my "abilities" through this relationship. Yet, every time I don't hear from him for a few days, or when the schedule doesn't work out, my fears come roaring back. Thus, I hope every day that somehow I won't drive him away.

I had another fit of panic and insecurity last Friday, when I didn't hear from him all day. Sadly, I let that insecurity get the better of me and sent an email and an IM that I regret (especially the IM). I have a bad tendency to get very clingy when I'm insecure. Right now, I'm so afraid that I pushed too far, asked for too much, or somehow just pissed him off.

Logically, there isn't any reason to think that. We had a lovely time at the flogging demo last Wednesday. I had my second public scene (shorter and less intense) and he was very pleased with me. He specifically told me that he was very proud of how far I'd come in less than 5 months.

On the upside, I think I'm getting better at not letting myself get as bad. But it is such a struggle. I had a night of really bad sleep last night. I kept waking up and finding myself going down the short list of people I've been talking to locally, trying to decide if I could bring myself to approach any of them. I even found myself thinking that I really need to get an email off to a wonderful guy who does a lot of the community building here in the Twin Cities. He runs an email list and mentioned that I should get on it. Sir was going to take care of it, but he forgot. My thought process was that this way I at least had a few ties into the local community so I could find someone else if Sir didn't want me anymore.

Bah -- I need to stop worrying about this. Sir would not simply walk away. He would at least tell me if things changed. He has so much going on in his life right now, with both of his parents needing so much time and energy as they recover. This new work schedule is horribly difficult for him and it's really cutting into his sleep.