Can't finish anything!

I've been rather frustrated lately. There's a lot bubbling in my brain, but every time I try to write it out, I just kind of trail off and can't finish it. I often get myself into a state where it feels like my brain is going round and round and round, but there is no solution to be found. Usually, trying to write things out forces me out of the cycle and lets me see things differently. Right now, I just circle round and round in my writing too.

This changing doms thing is hard. That was not something I expected. There is so much to sort through, and it is very hard for me to sort out which are things I truly want or need, and which are things I just miss that were unique to Sir D and I. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm struggling, and if that doesn't lead to useless flailing, I'm not sure what does.

Then there was learning that Sir D was at the workshop in January. In some ways, that makes it easier. I don't have to worry that he's trying to shut that part of him down completely. Realizing that it really was that he just didn't want me anymore, that's been harder.

I thought about not going to the next workshop, but I really enjoy them. I learn a lot (and, oh my, do I have a lot to learn), and I enjoy many of the people I see there. Now my brain is busy running through a bunch of scenarios for what happens when I run into him again. Mostly, I just want to see him and know that he's okay. I'm working on stopping the dreams of playing with him again. Even if he ever were interested again, I'm not sure how I'd cope.

I need to move forward. I have a wonderful Master now. He isn't scared off when I get insecure and flail. Instead, he's actually specifically asked that I send him emails as my journal writing. Even L doesn't cope well when I'm floundering in emotions! It feels a bit too good to be true, but since he's asked, he's going to get. Master is definitely in this for the long haul.

The fact that we are both poly helps, I think. Neither of us feels threatened when a primary partner has to come first. Last weekend, we were shopping for Master's Christmas present (and not managing to find it still) and then we were going to go back to my house and play. In the parking lot, Master got a phone call from his wife, and she needed him. While I was disappointed, mostly, I felt relief. This made it very clear that he would be fine when the day comes that L needs me NOW.

Right now, I'm trying very hard to focus on something that Master has told me several times. "Just relax and enjoy the journey." I have something wonderful now. I need to focus on that.