I've noticed that almost every morning as I get ready, or any other time that I'm quiet, running through the back of my head is simply, "please Sir." I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but I've got some ideas.
Part of it is a simple plea that this amazing journey continue. The intensity, the bond, the trust between us is wonderful. I have a very hard time thinking of how I could come to trust someone else this thoroughly. Knowing that he feels this intensity himself is a lifeline sometimes.
Part of it is my personal demon, my own insecurity. I truly have gained quite a bit of confidence in myself and in my "abilities" through this relationship. Yet, every time I don't hear from him for a few days, or when the schedule doesn't work out, my fears come roaring back. Thus, I hope every day that somehow I won't drive him away.
I had another fit of panic and insecurity last Friday, when I didn't hear from him all day. Sadly, I let that insecurity get the better of me and sent an email and an IM that I regret (especially the IM). I have a bad tendency to get very clingy when I'm insecure. Right now, I'm so afraid that I pushed too far, asked for too much, or somehow just pissed him off.
Logically, there isn't any reason to think that. We had a lovely time at the flogging demo last Wednesday. I had my second public scene (shorter and less intense) and he was very pleased with me. He specifically told me that he was very proud of how far I'd come in less than 5 months.
On the upside, I think I'm getting better at not letting myself get as bad. But it is such a struggle. I had a night of really bad sleep last night. I kept waking up and finding myself going down the short list of people I've been talking to locally, trying to decide if I could bring myself to approach any of them. I even found myself thinking that I really need to get an email off to a wonderful guy who does a lot of the community building here in the Twin Cities. He runs an email list and mentioned that I should get on it. Sir was going to take care of it, but he forgot. My thought process was that this way I at least had a few ties into the local community so I could find someone else if Sir didn't want me anymore.
Bah -- I need to stop worrying about this. Sir would not simply walk away. He would at least tell me if things changed. He has so much going on in his life right now, with both of his parents needing so much time and energy as they recover. This new work schedule is horribly difficult for him and it's really cutting into his sleep.
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5 comments:
this was a good post.
it was created out of your feelings.
if he gives you the time he has, would you feel that you could honor him by nurturing the strong thoughts you have about what is, and has been, between the two of you?
create the expressions of your feelings - only you can create this, in Your ways and in Your methods.
this might prove fascinating and something he cherishes hearing when he is ready for it.
I do not personally know you two, only that asking before he is ready, and his knots of work and immediate family, this might make your purest feelings a lil bit harder to see and incorporate into his spirit.
peace.
[I changed a word and reposted this comment. smiles.]
Thank you Fellahere! :) Most especially thank you for a new way of looking at this struggle -- focusing on honoring him by nuturing the good thoughts. Puts it in a new perspective, which I think will be more productive.
Much to think about now -- thank you.
Kneeling, I understand exactly what you are saying! It is such a hard thing to not let my mind run away with "what-ifs" that are not in a good vein....
I love what Fellahere wrote! Something for me to also keep in mind....
Thank you to both of you!
I have such mixed emotions when I read posts like this.
Yes, it's hard not to let our insecurities run away with us when we don't hear from him.
But at the same time, I can't think of any really sound excuse for not hearing from him. There's a part of me that says, if I work a full time job, a part time job, am working on a dissertation, and have a teenager at home, yet I can still send a brief email letting someone know they are on my mind, then why can't he send at least that much?
Yes, probably totally selfish on my part, but there it is anyway...
Spring, thank you so much for your concern. Fortunately/unfortunately, I did get an email from him on Wednesday. He's struggling with some depression; he said he will stay in touch. I think a lot of this is that much of our communication happens via IM, and I haven't been online much. It's been the great yard work extravaganza at our house, to which the current yucky weather has put a stop.
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