Random bits.

Things have been kind of tossing around in my head lately. Reconnecting with D has been so wonderful. I can't quite articulate just how much of a relief and reassurance it is to know that the connection and the intimacy wasn't and isn't in my imagination. Yet there is still such a deep longing, an aching need to step back into that intensity of feeling and control. It still makes my heart hurt to send him emails that don't begin with "Sir" and don't close with "Your Whore." Good gods I want to hear that again, to say that again.

The roller coaster is a bit much still, but I'm trying to keep things on a more even keel. If nothing else, it isn't fair to L to have me moping around just because I didn't get to see him for a bit this weekend. It's a bit easier to trust, to at least try to relax into that connection. Fine, I didn't see him this weekend. That doesn't mean it's going to be 3 months before I see him again.

I had another one of my little epiphanies today. A dear friend was kindly listening to me whine a couple of weeks ago (before I'd seen D) and then to me trying to exert the patience to wait. She expressed concern that I wasn't getting anything out of waiting for him, that this was all pretty one-sided. At the time, the best answer I could come up with was, "well, I'm not exactly doing anything else right now...." But I've been thinking about that; she's a wise friend and doesn't say things like this lightly. Seeing him has changed the equation somewhat -- I'm no longer twisting in the wind all by my lonesome for months. But I've been pushing it deeper than that.

I posted a little while ago about deciding that I am capable of bottoming for someone else. I went to my very first munch last week with a new friend from Alt. It was fabulous to meet her in person and to get to talk a bit. Going with someone else made it so much less intimidating. I still felt a little of that "oooh! fresh meat!" feeling, but it wasn't overwhelming. I was very startled to be invited to two different play parties and get a fair amount of flirting from some people who are pretty prominent in our local community.

Coming home after that, I kept thinking. The munch made it very obvious that if I want to play, there are people who are interested. It would even be in a public setting, and thus quite safe. Yet honestly, I don't want to. I truly don't. He is the one I want to submit to, as far as he wants to take me.

I ended up telling him that I don't really want to bottom for anyone during a conversation online. Yet I felt the need to apologize and remind him that I turn off the filter when I'm talking to him. Which I do, mostly. But I keep this blog, which he knows nothing about. Why?

Today, I realized it's because I don't want to burden him with all of my emotions. Maybe it's a quirk of having done poly for so long or of having thought about it so hard, but to me, until I know that this depth of emotion is something he wants to, it is just unfair to dump it on him. In a context where I am well used to the fact that relationships will be negotiated, that limits and boundaries will be set, I don't get to simply upend the structure because my emotions changed.

I am slowly moving towards finding a place and time to tell him this. Honestly, though, I've been in some pretty deep depression. From that hole, even the expression of positive emotions can seem like an intolerable burden. He's slowly finding his way out, I think, and I don't want to disrupt that fragile equilibrium.

He's letting me in, a bit, to help. He laughs a bit when I thank him over and over for letting me help, but he had a telling observation last weekend. It's easier for me to help than for him to let me. I truly am immensely grateful that he does let me in.

So, I will wait and hope. And deep within my heart, begin to breath a word I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to.