Random noodling

I had a continuing education class today, all about commercial insurance. Sadly, it didn't really teach me what I wanted to know, but I did learn some stuff. Since much of the content wasn't really relevant to me, I ended up just kind of free writing what was in my head. Since D is pretty much what's in my head these days (aside of my grandmother), that's what I wrote about. I'd like to remember it, so I'm transcribing it here.

As for my grandmother, she's been in the hospital since Sunday. The nursing home sent her there as she was dehydrated. Her blood sugar was also well over 300 (100 is the upper limit of normal). She's still dehydrated after 2 days on IV fluids. We are NOT happy with her nursing home. She's got yet another UTI (her fourth since Memorial Day) that we attribute largely to the fact that they don't get to her fast enough when she needs to go to the bathroom, but she's got this stupid alarm that shrieks if she gets out of her wheelchair ever since she fell. grrrrrrr Fortunately, she's feeling better and may well go back to the nursing home today.

Now, on to what I wrote in class.

Gods, I miss him so. I miss the safety and comfort of the D/s, but more than anything I miss him. Just being with him, being able to make him smile, touching him, soaking in his presence. I still treasure the feel of his hand in my hair, him rubbing my back, the bliss of being wrapped in his arms for a hug.

I need to hang onto the fact that he does want me in his life, as much as he wants anyone right now. It's hard to remember that he doesn't want too many people right now. I so wish I could figure out to make interacting with me less stressful. Really, I should probably just ask him. :)

I spent six months feeling like I got so much and gave so little back. To me, this is my chance to give back to him; I should probably tell him that. Maybe that would make it easier for him to have me help. But I should wait until tomorrow to try talking to him again. I hate feeling like I need to be careful how often I try to contact him. It's so much easier not to be obsessive about it when I actually get to talk to him. I worry and fret, and really, I shouldn't.

I wish I could find a way to make it clearer that I want to time with him, no matter what the context. He's just plain fun to hang out with -- he's such a great guy. I really don't have any expectations that the D/s dynamic is coming back anytime soon.

I'm tempted to Netflix The Secretary again. Hell, I should just buy it. I think it could be very quickly become another "good cry" movie. Gods I want to be able to tell him exactly how I feel. Yet I still stand by my conviction that I need to know that those feelings are wanted/welcomed before I reveal them. I never, ever want D or anyone anyone else I'm seeing to feel ambushed by my emotions. My feelings/emotions are mine to deal with, not his. Yet at the same time, if I don't reveal them, I will never have the opportunity to deepen things.

My heart tells me these feelings are reciprocated -- he does care. He's specifically told me he cares. It's so tempting to fall into dreams about being able to be completely open with him, to not have to worry about saying or revealing too much. However, he feels and acknowledges the intimacy and connection between us. It is so reassuring to know that A was just a blip, that I haven't completely lost my ability to perceive and understand how others feel about me.

Someday ... someday I will kneel for him again. I've been fantasizing about it: maybe his hand suddenly in my hair, maybe just the sudden change in energy and the sound of my title, his name for me, again. Someday he will claim me again. I am still his. That is a point of faith for me. That is why I always follow the rules when I see him. He has not said he is no longer my Master. He simply doesn't want that dynamic right now. For me, continuing to follow the rules is an act of hope. It honors the bond between us. Anytime he wants to use me, I will be ready. I dream of that all the time.

The last time I saw him, we were hugging, and then he gave my ass one good smack, "just so [I] didn't forget." That tiny little taste of darkness ... it was so wonderful. He seemed to enjoy it, even made a comment about how long it had been since he'd spanked anyone. I'm a bit confused about what's wrong ... but hopefully someday I'll learn.

I wish he would talk a bit more to me. When I'm there, open, listening, he talks to me. I wonder if that is part of the problem. Is he afraid of my reaction to something he might reveal? All I can do is continue to be open, to listen, to never turn from him, to always be accepting.

Random bits.

Things have been kind of tossing around in my head lately. Reconnecting with D has been so wonderful. I can't quite articulate just how much of a relief and reassurance it is to know that the connection and the intimacy wasn't and isn't in my imagination. Yet there is still such a deep longing, an aching need to step back into that intensity of feeling and control. It still makes my heart hurt to send him emails that don't begin with "Sir" and don't close with "Your Whore." Good gods I want to hear that again, to say that again.

The roller coaster is a bit much still, but I'm trying to keep things on a more even keel. If nothing else, it isn't fair to L to have me moping around just because I didn't get to see him for a bit this weekend. It's a bit easier to trust, to at least try to relax into that connection. Fine, I didn't see him this weekend. That doesn't mean it's going to be 3 months before I see him again.

I had another one of my little epiphanies today. A dear friend was kindly listening to me whine a couple of weeks ago (before I'd seen D) and then to me trying to exert the patience to wait. She expressed concern that I wasn't getting anything out of waiting for him, that this was all pretty one-sided. At the time, the best answer I could come up with was, "well, I'm not exactly doing anything else right now...." But I've been thinking about that; she's a wise friend and doesn't say things like this lightly. Seeing him has changed the equation somewhat -- I'm no longer twisting in the wind all by my lonesome for months. But I've been pushing it deeper than that.

I posted a little while ago about deciding that I am capable of bottoming for someone else. I went to my very first munch last week with a new friend from Alt. It was fabulous to meet her in person and to get to talk a bit. Going with someone else made it so much less intimidating. I still felt a little of that "oooh! fresh meat!" feeling, but it wasn't overwhelming. I was very startled to be invited to two different play parties and get a fair amount of flirting from some people who are pretty prominent in our local community.

Coming home after that, I kept thinking. The munch made it very obvious that if I want to play, there are people who are interested. It would even be in a public setting, and thus quite safe. Yet honestly, I don't want to. I truly don't. He is the one I want to submit to, as far as he wants to take me.

I ended up telling him that I don't really want to bottom for anyone during a conversation online. Yet I felt the need to apologize and remind him that I turn off the filter when I'm talking to him. Which I do, mostly. But I keep this blog, which he knows nothing about. Why?

Today, I realized it's because I don't want to burden him with all of my emotions. Maybe it's a quirk of having done poly for so long or of having thought about it so hard, but to me, until I know that this depth of emotion is something he wants to, it is just unfair to dump it on him. In a context where I am well used to the fact that relationships will be negotiated, that limits and boundaries will be set, I don't get to simply upend the structure because my emotions changed.

I am slowly moving towards finding a place and time to tell him this. Honestly, though, I've been in some pretty deep depression. From that hole, even the expression of positive emotions can seem like an intolerable burden. He's slowly finding his way out, I think, and I don't want to disrupt that fragile equilibrium.

He's letting me in, a bit, to help. He laughs a bit when I thank him over and over for letting me help, but he had a telling observation last weekend. It's easier for me to help than for him to let me. I truly am immensely grateful that he does let me in.

So, I will wait and hope. And deep within my heart, begin to breath a word I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to.