The first plunge

I've written of that very first meeting between Sir and I. Next weekend it will be a year since I took the first plunge into this amazing world and truly began my journey into my submission. I've been working on this on and off all year. I hear from Sir from time to time, and he still allows me to call him Sir. But I do not know where this will go or if I will ever be able to serve him again. Gods how I long to, to make that journey up the stairs, locking the world out behind me. To strip off everything of the outer me and kneel naked and whole, waiting for him. Maybe someday ....

But here is the story of that first plunge and discovery of all of me.

I'd been reading the rules almost obsessively for two days now. God, I wanted to do this right. I didn't want to give him any cause for being displeased with me. I had no idea how I'd react to punishment, but worse, what if he sent me away?

What to wear? Sir had said I was to strip as soon as I walked in the door, but would he be there? Would he watch me take my clothes off? I sat in the tub, trying to shave myself with shaking hands. Time and again, I ran my fingers over myself. Was I smooth enough? Damn this shaving myself thing was hard when smoothness mattered, not just me being comfortable. Finally, I was dressed. I was far too keyed up to eat. What time was it? I've got to be out the door early. I didn't know how long it would take to get to his house, and I did not want a paddling like that picture. Don't forget the toiletries bag!

In the car, I had to set the cruise control to avoid speeding. I'd read the directions so many times, I had them memorized. I kept checking the printout, just in case. My brain was in such a whirl. Dear god was I actually doing this? I really was driving to the home of a man I'd met once, where I was going to give up control to him. In my head, he was just Sir. Everytime we talked, I was so incredibly turned on. I desperately hoped I wasn't making some terrible mistake.

I'd arrived. There was the big white house with the scaffolding, just as he'd said. I managed to find a parking space, and even one that didn't require me to parallel park! I was early, thank goodness. Now I had to decide when I should go up. Best to only be about 5 minutes early, I decided.

Sitting in the car, music still going from the iPod, I began trembling again. Oh god, I was really going to do this. I was going to go upstairs, take off all my clothes, and let Sir do pretty much whatever he wanted to me (within the limits we'd talked about). Could I do this? Was I crazy to want this so badly? I had my safecall set up. I'd liked him immediately, and somehow, I trusted him. I wanted this too much to back out now. I got out of the car.

I struggled to lock the front door and began to worry that I'd end up late somehow. How strict was Sir about that? Would he be watching the clock, waiting to catch me late? In hindsight, this thought makes me giggle, but it worried me then! Up the stairs to the next door, that one carefully locked behind me. I stopped at the landing with the rug to remove my shoes. Up the stairs to his door. There was a note on the door: "Welcome Whore, come in and kneel on the X." But he'd said to knock twice and he'd tell me to come in ... I decided to hedge my bets and knocked as well. A terrible pause and then I heard his voice, telling me to come in.

I walked through door, hardly able to breathe for the tension that almost overwhelmed me. I shut and locked the door behind me. It was a small room, but clean and comfy. Sir was nowhere in sight. There was the X in the center of the floor. Shaking, I set my bag down next to the door. I didn't want to delay at all, just in case it would anger or annoy him. I kept running over the rules in my head, desperately hoping I wouldn't commit some terrible fault and forget one. Shirt off, bra off, jeans off. Here we go! Slowly, my trembling hands pushed my panties down my legs. I stepped out of them. Socks! Well, my feet would be icicles, but better that than to displease him by leaving anything on.

I felt vaguely as though I were seeing through water. I could hardly breathe, could hardly focus, I just did what I needed to. It was time. Crap! Which direction to face? There were toys laid out on the coffee table and floor, so I decided to face those. I carefully knelt on the X, opened my knees ("never close or cross your legs in my presence"), and shook. God I was so turned on and so scared all at the same time. That I had no idea what was going to happen tonight just upped the intensity. My mind was a tumbled tangle of thoughts, images, things we'd talked about.

I looked around the room a bit. It was sparse, but very clean. I remembered his story of moving to El Salvador for a brief time, so that made sense. My eyes kept scanning over the toys laid out in front of me. A riding crop! Oh lord, what if he wanted to use that? Cuffs, blindfolds, other toys I can't really remember, all seemed to stare back at me. My brain seemed to running about 500 miles a minute, trying to anticipate what would happen, but there wasn't enough data.

Suddenly, Sir was there! His hand gripped my hair wonderfully tightly, and that stern voice said, "You're early, Whore." His hand pulled my head back, and oh god that kiss! So powerful, so possessive, simply taking what he wanted. Suddenly everything clarified. This was what I wanted. This was where I needed to be. This was my place. He released me, and a small part of my brain frantically reminded me: the feet! For god's sake, don't forget to kiss his feet! I slid my knees yet further apart and bent over to gently kiss each foot.

I straightened up and there it was. His wonderfully hard cock. I'd been treasuring the memory of it in my mouth from that first meeting. How it felt, how it tasted, how I loved having it in my mouth. The voice again, "Suck it." I reached for his cock to guide it into my mouth, but stopped short when the stern voice demanded to know if he'd told me to use my hands. Okay, that will be new, but I can do that. Carefully, my mouth took him in. Remembering what I'd learned in the past, I made sure to use my tongue lots, desperately hoping I wasn't too bad at this. A. had said that I was fantastic, but ....

His hands were in my hair, pushing me further down on his cock. Breathe, relax, you can do this. Good lord I had! The pressure let up, allowing me to back off (breathe through your nose now) and begin again. Then his hands were back, pushing, forcing me further. There went the gag reflex and that awful noise! Wow, he actually liked that! What's he saying? mmmm ... "Good Whore, choking on cock." I have no idea how long I knelt there with his cock in my mouth, alternating between Sir in total control and giving me a moment to breathe and do it on my own. I loved every moment of it.

"Lick my ass, Whore" With hardly a thought, I did so. Damn, he's spotlessly clean! Somehow, that realization made it much easier to relax and go with things. Realizing that he certainly seemed to be enjoying himself spurred me on to great efforts. I did wish that I dared use my hands to make things easier. Sir's voice washed over me, giving me such delightfully nasty feedback.

Kneeling before his recliner, he reached for a container. "Let's try some nipple torture, shall we?" Finally, I was going to know what nipple clamps felt like. The ones he chose had rings hanging off them. Pinching, pulling at my nipples, then the bite of clamps on my tender, sensitive nipples. I inhaled sharply, exhaled, and realized that wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Then the camera came into view. Another deep breath, and I knelt with my back as straight as possible. For the first time, someone else had taken a picture of me naked. His hand reached out and flicked the rings; one clamp slid off. I was strangely disappointed when Sir removed the other clamp.

"I believe your profile mentioned you liked phallic gags?" That grin nearly took my breath away, especially when combined with the knowledge that he'd not only read my profile but paid attention. That incredible eye contact was back. Part of me wanted to look away, to protect myself, but the need to be open, to let him in was overwhelming. The buckle was secured. Now came the bit that let me know I was truly safe and okay. Not only did he carefully make eye contact as he explained the safe signals, he even moved my hand to display them. Then it was my turn to make sure I knew what they were.

The porn movie behind us had been playing throughout, subtly reinforcing the intense sexuality of it all. Carefully, I sat in front of the recliner, grateful for the opportunity to be off my knees and restore circulation to my feet. Don't forget, keep the legs open! Legs spread wide, I waited. I had not expected the gentle touches, fingers in my hair, petting, soothing. It was so much to take in. Staring at the screen, his voice behind me, quiet, firm, mesmerizing, telling me to watch the woman onscreen take cock after cock so incredibly deep in her throat, that someday that would be me, and that was what I wanted, wasn't it?

His hands came down to my nipples, rolling, pinching, oh god it felt so good! That first tingle of pain/pleasure was electric. Then the intensity increased with short, sharp slaps to my breasts; a strange new heat spread through me. The wave of humiliation and heat combined that swept over me when Sir began spitting on my breasts was overwhelming. I felt as though I'd been marked as his. Throughout it all, the gag was a constant reminder of my submission and the surrender of my control.

Back on my knees, his cock back in my mouth, all felt right in my world. Through my closed eyelids the flash was startling. Pictures. It was as though the flash went straight to my now very wet cunt. There was documentation of me being a shameless whore, and that turned me on incredibly. Part of me was also thrilled that Sir wanted to take pictures of me. His hand was in my hair, holding me in various poses for pictures that I desperately hoped would please him. After all, wasn't this why I'd made sure to apply the lipstick that didn't come off? Then the command, "Look at me, Whore." The little red light on the camera told me he was taking video of me. "You like looking up at the camera while you suck cock, don't you, Whore?" Entranced, my mouth still full of his cock, I nodded. "Don't you, Whore?!" Daring, I backed off to say, "Yes Sir."

The freedom was intoxicating. For so long, I'd afraid to completely let loose with my sexuality; how would I be perceived if I truly displayed the depth of my desires? Here and now, that was wanted, even demanded. Here, I would be praised and complimented for being a wanton whore. I loved it.

Sir ordered me onto my back with my legs spread wide for him. Standing above me, he spit down on me again. Again, that amazing, twisted combination of humiliation and desire ran through me. Then, that touch of tenderness, as he laid a blanket out on the floor and ordered me onto it. "On your back, whore."

As he settled himself between my legs, I felt so open to him, so vulnerable, yet comfortable and safe. I kept my eyes on him, watching this man who was no longer a stranger. He was Sir, the man who could make me feel things I'd never imagined. Then I felt the cool wetness of lube at my asshole. Something smooth and hard pushed against my hole. I relaxed while desperately hoping my ass was clean inside too. The plug slid in easily, as it was thin and an easy one for my very first experience of a butt plug. A few thrusts with that one, and Sir eased it out of my ass.

More lube was applied to my ass, and then I felt a distinctly larger plug push against my asshole. Remembering what I had read, and my limited experience with ass play, I breathed deeply and worked to relax. Carefully, I pushed back against the plug. It stretched me, but not unbearably. As Sir worked the plug in and out of my ass, I felt so opened, so impaled, but it felt so good. Finally, the plug was fully seated in my ass.

Then I felt the dildo pushing into my cunt. I was beginning to ride high on all these sensations. Sir fucked the dildo in and out of my cunt, telling me to look up at the TV and watch the whore get her ass fucked. I craned my neck to see. Rapidly, I was approaching orgasm. I tried to control my breathing. Finally, I begged to come. The dildo was yanked out of my cunt and Sir sternly told me no. I struggled for a moment and then relaxed. This was the point at which it really slammed home that I was there for his pleasure, not mine. Somehow, that settled me and gave me peace.

Sir adjusted himself between my legs carefully. I felt his cock just at the entrance to my cunt. I was momentarily confused when he stopped, reached down for my hands, and told me to sit up. I grasped his hands, pulled myself up, and gasped as his cock slid into my cunt for the first time, pressing against the plug filling my ass. Briefly, I was allowed to savor the feeling of his cock filling my cunt, and then I was laid back down.

Shifting, Sir began to fuck me in earnest. My brain was whirling with all the sensation. I was being fucked so wonderfully, so hard, and with a plug still in my ass! My eyes were closed as I reveled in the feelings. Sir ordered me to open my eyes and look at him. I looked into his eyes and nearly drowned. Then he ordered me to open my mouth. Confused, I obediently did so. My brain simply stopped as Sir spit down into my mouth and ordered me to swallow. I did and reeled at the tangled mixture of humiliation and arousal.

Three times I didn't think I could hold out any longer and asked to be allowed to cum. Each time, Sir would instantly stop fucking me and tell me no. The last time he said I needed to learn patience and that this wasn't about me. I focused on breathing slowly, feeling everything, and not letting myself go over the edge. I was becoming lost in this effort when Sir leaned over and for the first time, whispered in my ear, "Cum, whore!" Almost instantly, I stopped resisting and gave into all the sensations and came and came and came. Sir never stopped fucking me and it was so incredible.

Finally, Sir pulled out of my cunt, while I laid there and tried to breath again. He gently helped me to sit up and held me for a bit while I came down to earth a bit. Looking me in the eye, he asked if I was ready for more. Softly, I whispered, "Yes Sir." Sir helped me to my feet, as my legs were a bit shaky. He decided that it was time to show his whore off on cam. My stomach twisted with excitement and fear. As we began to walk down the hall, Sir grinned and said there was one more task first.

In the center of the hall was a huge dildo, set upright. Sir waved towards it and told me that first, I had to fuck myself on the dildo and he was going to take pictures. I tried to kneel down on it, but I could not get far enough down to really do it. I thought for a brief moment, decided to use the half-crossed position I'd used as a high school cheerleader. With Sir behind me with the camera, I lowered my cunt onto the dildo. I fucked myself a few times, holding at various points so Sir could take a picture. I was amazed that it fit and even more amazed at how hot it made me to be doing this just so Sir could take pictures.

Then I was kneeling before his chair, naked, with a plug in my ass, with a web cam pointed at me. Yet all I could think about was sucking his cock as best as I could. I took him as deep as I could, and the angle let me get more of Sir's cock this time. I simply gave myself over to my task. Looking back, I can see that this was my introduction to just worshipping his cock.

I focused on using my tongue, and I tried the trick I'd used with A. I rippled my tongue as though I were triple-tonguing the flute I played in school. I was rewarded with a moan of pleasure from Sir. My feet were going numb, and I shifted, trying to get better circulation. I didn't want to stop what I was doing, so I didn't say anything. Finally, Sir ordered me to play with myself, to make myself cum while I sucked his cock. I was so wet, so turned on, that despite the distraction of my feet and the need to continue to suck, it didn't take long at all until I came again.

Eventually, Sir ordered me to kneel a bit further from his chair and to look up at him. I looked up at him, so strong, so stern, so wonderful. Sir was jacking his cock, pointed at my face, and suddenly I realized I was about to get my first facial. "Close your eyes!" he ordered. I did. I heard his breathing change, and then I felt it. So hot on my skin, that smell of sex and man, so yummy. I really wanted to open my mouth and taste his cum, but I hadn't been told to, so I didn't. I was filled with peace and joy. I'd finally begun my journey of submission, and it was even better than I'd dreamed. "Stay there," I heard him say, followed by the camera opening. From the picture Sir sent me afterwards, I know that the peace and joy showed on my face.

Sir had managed not to hit my eyes, so he soon told me to open my eyes. I did, and looked up at him, trying to say with my eyes what I could not find words to speak. He smiled at me and told me to clean up my tits. I carefully ran my finger along one, scooping up the cum and looked straight at him as I put it in my mouth and savored the taste of him. I cleaned up a bit more, and he handed me a towel to remove the rest. I almost didn't want to do it.

Next, I was told to come next to his chair. I sat down with my legs spread (never close or cross your legs) while my feet slowly came back to life and the plug pressed into my ass. Sir downloaded the pictures he'd taken and the video and showed them to me. I'm sure I was blushing everywhere as I watched myself be such a wanton whore, but it turned me on all over again. He went on to show me many pictures he'd taken or that he liked. We got to the pictures of girls being pissed on again. I couldn't take my eyes off them, wondering if that was in store for me yet tonight.

Sir helped me to my feet, and explained that he wasn't going to take things any further on this night. He knew it was a relatively tame scene, but he wanted my introduction to be gradual. I relaxed, no longer fearing that I had displeased him. He told me I could go get in the shower, and to take the butt plug out there. When I removed it, I was startled by the size of it. "That was in my ass?!" I heard Sir chuckle.

Clean and out of the shower, I wasn't sure what to do, but I went looking for Sir. I was still naked, as my clothes were still by the front door. I found him in his bedroom, where there were still more toys laid out on the bed. We embarked on what I have always thought of as the tour of the toy box. Part of me was frankly frightened at what I saw -- canes, floggers, paddles, even an actual whip! Sir explained what each one was and gave a brief idea of what it felt like.

He held a flogger out for me to feel, and I was amazed by how soft the leather was. I was standing partially turned away from him, and he gave me a gentle tap on the ass with the flogger. I startled, gasped, and then controlled myself, letting my breath out slowly. This happened with a few more toys, and then Sir startled me by saying he thought I'd like a bit of sting. I'm sure my eyes were saucers as I asked why he said that. He carefully explained that it was my body language and the way I'd controlled my breathing. Suddenly, I felt like the last wall within myself had tumbled down. Even that most secret longing, to know what pain/pleasure was like, that was visible to him.

As I drove home, I was filled with conflicting emotions. I was amazed at all I had experienced and how comfortable I was with all of it. Had I been good enough? Would he want to play again? Why would he want to play with a chubby newby with lots of things she didn't want to do. But oh I longed to do it again. I knew that my life had changed forever. This was not just a fantasy in my brain, this was who I was.

T and I got together for the first time since we'd had our relevatory little chat online a few days later. :) We spent probably the first 2-3 hours just cuddling on the couch and talking. T and I have known each other for several years, but certainly not in this context! The talking was very nice and helped to build that connection.

Finally, he grabbed my hair and kissed me. There was quite a bit of kissing, and then T started rubbing, pulling, and pinching my nipples through my shirt. Oh my I love that! After more of that, he slowly started inching my shirt up, lightly tickling my stomach as it was revealed. Apparently he likes the way I squirm. :D Eventually, he got my shirt off, and it was back to my nipples again. He commented on how reactive and sensitive they are. T likes to pinch them HARD. It wasn't long before I was whimpering. It felt so good to be giving up control in an environment where I truly felt comfortable.

After more playing with my nipples and tickling me, T finally slowly, slowly unhooked my bra. He actually left the last hook there for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, I was naked from the waist up. There was lots more pulling my nipples, pinching them HARD. He would also flick my nipples hard with his finger. That always made me jump and squeal a bit. T played with my right nipple much more as it was more accessible to him the way we were cuddling. Even after we shifted, the right one got all the hard abuse. The contrast was very striking. Things that felt good or only hurt some on the left nipple were excruciating on the right (but in that deeply good way).

Eventually, he decided to undo my pants, but didn't have me take them off yet. He slid his fingers under my panties and started playing with me. He'd run his finger around my clit, or up and down my slit. Every once in a while he'd bend over and use his tongue or his teeth on my nipples. By now I was pretty much gasping or whimpering nearly continuously. He wouldn't give me enough to get me close, but oh gods I was wet. T kept this up for quite a while, and I started to get definitely floaty. This was a very different, gradual approach! He changed how he was playing with me and started to get me closer and closer. I was chagrined to realize I didn't know if I was supposed to ask to come or not! And then I wasn't coherent enough to ask even if I wanted to.

T had me stand up and he took my pants down. After a bit of kissing and still more tormenting my nipples, he finally took my now soaking panties down. I was very very glad that the light was quite low and that he didn't make me look at him. I was very self-conscious, suddenly, being naked in front of him for the first time. He sat down on the sofa, and pulled me over to him, making me straddle his knees but remain standing. T then spent what felt like forever playing with my pussy, rubbing his fingers, sometimes just barely sliding one inside, lots of attention to my clit and just below it. It was very hard to remain standing and cope with all that stimulation. I kept getting close, but I couldn't manage to stay standing and relax enough to actually come. Finally I was so on the edge, but I just couldn't manage to verbalize the request, but I didn't dare come without permission. It felt like I just hung there on the edge, trembling and whimpering and desperately wishing I could make myself ask to come.

Looking back on it, I think I was also shy of asking. T doesn't default to talking nasty to me, and has yet to use slut or whore with me, so I didn't feel on quite as firm a ground in asking to come. I wasn't quite sure if he wanted me begging to come over and over or not. There was also the fear that he'd do like Sir does sometimes and stop if I asked.

Finally, T stood up and had me bend over and put my hands on the couch, with my legs still spread wide. I felt very very exposed as he rummaged in his bag for a few of the toys he'd brought. He has this weird "plastic" flogger he found in the bachelorette area at Sex World ages ago that he just loves. He doesn't really use it as a flogger, but he loves to use the hard/slightly sharp ends of the "strands" to tap and whisk, especially in one place. That quickly becomes excruciating, partially because it so focused on one small area. It's not like my whole ass was glowing/hurting, just this one small spot. I really struggled to stay still and take it. He did make me cry out several times.

Then he got out a 5-gallon paint stirrer stick and asked what I thought of paddles. I explained that I was NOT fond of them at all. T got this evil little smile and said, "Even if they are used like this?" He then proceeded to flick my ass with just the edge of it, over and over. He did say that he prefers to keep that for punishment anyways. Finally, he got out his cheap whip (he was distressed to discover that in the 9 months since he last had a sub/slave, his deerskin whip had developed damage). He's not really fond of that one, but he used the loops and snapped it a bit against my ass. He's specialized in a whip for years, apparently. He said he used to be able to blow out a candle with one, and he was looking forward to getting back into practice. The cheap whip had some nice touches, though, especially when he had me stand up and wrapped around one breast, cinching it sooo tight. I began to understand why breast bondage is such fun! He kindly repeated this to the other breast.

Several times in this whole bit, I had to bend over further and rest my elbows on the couch to take some strain off my wrist and shoulder. Gods I felt so incredibly exposed when I did that.

After all of that, he said it was time for me to unwrap MY present, as T had remained fully dressed throughout this. So, I knelt at his feet and began to take his pants down. I was a good girl and tried to show how much I wanted this. Before I took his underwear down, I breathed and kissed his cock through the material first, and then I finally unwrapped my present. Before he let me start, I was startled to learn that he hadn't gotten much head in his life, having had a number of unfortunate experiences with teeth. He said he'd let me try though. :D Now, I had a challenge!

So, I did my best to give him a blow job like he'd never had before. Apparently I succeeded. It wasn't long before T decided he needed to lay down for this. I grinned and then knelt between his legs to continue. I kept doing one of the things I apparently do well (thank you Sir), trying hard to pay attention to what he liked best. I was a bit startled that he was taking so long to cum, but just kept at it. I figured when he started involuntarily trying to rip the carpet, I was doing pretty well. Finally he managed to get out something along the lines of that my jaw must be in agony by now. By the standards of time I've spent with Sir, it was about a medium-length blow job, so I said I was fine, but he got out that I'd apparently managed to take him BEYOND the ability to cum. This would be a first for both of us! He liked it lots though!

We cuddled on the floor a bit and talked some more. He finally sat up and I kind of curled around him. I'd been up front with him that I come down slowly from any intensity, and that I'd discovered the hard way that I needed contact during that time, or I felt alone and abandoned. I did have to be careful to keep my nipples away from the carpet, as they were VERY sore and sensitive.

New fun!

Life has snuck up on me a bit, and I haven't told you all about a big new thing in my life! About the same time that Sir took his title back, he made it very clear to me that he had no problems with me playing with others while life takes him in a different direction for now. His only requirement was that he wanted to hear all about it. :D

Well, a few weeks ago (okay almost a month I think!) I logged on to the Alt messenger. I was frankly bored and figured I'd either some interesting conversation or I'd have fun playing with the idiots. I got an IM from a random guy, who opened with asking me about my tag line "Finding my wings." He got my usual honest response, but didn't give me the usual response of silence and then changing the subject. Instead, he responded with "Oh how sweet!" This intrigued me!

For over an hour we talk about everything from our philosophies of BDSM to experiences and what we liked. In that tiny little picture, I caught something familiar, but promptly dismissed it. It would be far too much of a coincidence .... Finally we got around to introductions. "Hi, I'm Nae!" "Hello, I'm 'T'." At this point I needed to pick my jaw up off the ground, so I just crawled under my desk for a moment. :) I was now rather sure that this was the friend I'd thought of when I looked at the tiny picture. I asked a quick question which caused T to respond that obviously we knew each other. I think he figured it out just as I hit enter to give him my full first name, which is how he knew me. Fortunately, things didn't become awkward after that little revelation.

So the upside of this is that I am now having lots of fun playing with T. I have the advantage of someone I've done lots of volunteer work with, that I trusted before this ever came up, and he's just plain fun. :D

T has asked that I continue posting scene reports, so you'll still be getting those (and I have 3 to finish!). :) It's not the same as playing with Sir, and that's just fine with me. We're still having fun.

It is late, and I am tired, and there is MUCH that I need to catch you all up on. But right now, I just need to let this spill out. A while ago I blogged about how I had "please Sir" running underneath everything. Recently, I realized that had changed. Now, it is "oh let me be yours again." It's been a few weeks, but before we last got together, Sir actually went back to his title again. I really can't find words for how happy it made me (and continues to make me) to be able to call him Sir again, and to be able to use his name for me again. It's odd how that simple change has made the patient waiting so much easier. It still isn't easy, but the anguish is much lessened. With just that small change, I feel like I have solid ground beneath my feet again. It has been almost a month since I last saw him, and a week since I've heard from him. I miss him, OH how I miss him and long for him, but the frantic quality is almost gone. I feel a bit foolish that something so small and simple could reassure me so, but there it is. That he felt the wrongness, that he wanted his title back, this gives me more than hope. I never gave up hoping. Now, I have confidence. "Sir." It is a small word, but it is enough for me to hold on to.

Random noodling

I had a continuing education class today, all about commercial insurance. Sadly, it didn't really teach me what I wanted to know, but I did learn some stuff. Since much of the content wasn't really relevant to me, I ended up just kind of free writing what was in my head. Since D is pretty much what's in my head these days (aside of my grandmother), that's what I wrote about. I'd like to remember it, so I'm transcribing it here.

As for my grandmother, she's been in the hospital since Sunday. The nursing home sent her there as she was dehydrated. Her blood sugar was also well over 300 (100 is the upper limit of normal). She's still dehydrated after 2 days on IV fluids. We are NOT happy with her nursing home. She's got yet another UTI (her fourth since Memorial Day) that we attribute largely to the fact that they don't get to her fast enough when she needs to go to the bathroom, but she's got this stupid alarm that shrieks if she gets out of her wheelchair ever since she fell. grrrrrrr Fortunately, she's feeling better and may well go back to the nursing home today.

Now, on to what I wrote in class.

Gods, I miss him so. I miss the safety and comfort of the D/s, but more than anything I miss him. Just being with him, being able to make him smile, touching him, soaking in his presence. I still treasure the feel of his hand in my hair, him rubbing my back, the bliss of being wrapped in his arms for a hug.

I need to hang onto the fact that he does want me in his life, as much as he wants anyone right now. It's hard to remember that he doesn't want too many people right now. I so wish I could figure out to make interacting with me less stressful. Really, I should probably just ask him. :)

I spent six months feeling like I got so much and gave so little back. To me, this is my chance to give back to him; I should probably tell him that. Maybe that would make it easier for him to have me help. But I should wait until tomorrow to try talking to him again. I hate feeling like I need to be careful how often I try to contact him. It's so much easier not to be obsessive about it when I actually get to talk to him. I worry and fret, and really, I shouldn't.

I wish I could find a way to make it clearer that I want to time with him, no matter what the context. He's just plain fun to hang out with -- he's such a great guy. I really don't have any expectations that the D/s dynamic is coming back anytime soon.

I'm tempted to Netflix The Secretary again. Hell, I should just buy it. I think it could be very quickly become another "good cry" movie. Gods I want to be able to tell him exactly how I feel. Yet I still stand by my conviction that I need to know that those feelings are wanted/welcomed before I reveal them. I never, ever want D or anyone anyone else I'm seeing to feel ambushed by my emotions. My feelings/emotions are mine to deal with, not his. Yet at the same time, if I don't reveal them, I will never have the opportunity to deepen things.

My heart tells me these feelings are reciprocated -- he does care. He's specifically told me he cares. It's so tempting to fall into dreams about being able to be completely open with him, to not have to worry about saying or revealing too much. However, he feels and acknowledges the intimacy and connection between us. It is so reassuring to know that A was just a blip, that I haven't completely lost my ability to perceive and understand how others feel about me.

Someday ... someday I will kneel for him again. I've been fantasizing about it: maybe his hand suddenly in my hair, maybe just the sudden change in energy and the sound of my title, his name for me, again. Someday he will claim me again. I am still his. That is a point of faith for me. That is why I always follow the rules when I see him. He has not said he is no longer my Master. He simply doesn't want that dynamic right now. For me, continuing to follow the rules is an act of hope. It honors the bond between us. Anytime he wants to use me, I will be ready. I dream of that all the time.

The last time I saw him, we were hugging, and then he gave my ass one good smack, "just so [I] didn't forget." That tiny little taste of darkness ... it was so wonderful. He seemed to enjoy it, even made a comment about how long it had been since he'd spanked anyone. I'm a bit confused about what's wrong ... but hopefully someday I'll learn.

I wish he would talk a bit more to me. When I'm there, open, listening, he talks to me. I wonder if that is part of the problem. Is he afraid of my reaction to something he might reveal? All I can do is continue to be open, to listen, to never turn from him, to always be accepting.

Random bits.

Things have been kind of tossing around in my head lately. Reconnecting with D has been so wonderful. I can't quite articulate just how much of a relief and reassurance it is to know that the connection and the intimacy wasn't and isn't in my imagination. Yet there is still such a deep longing, an aching need to step back into that intensity of feeling and control. It still makes my heart hurt to send him emails that don't begin with "Sir" and don't close with "Your Whore." Good gods I want to hear that again, to say that again.

The roller coaster is a bit much still, but I'm trying to keep things on a more even keel. If nothing else, it isn't fair to L to have me moping around just because I didn't get to see him for a bit this weekend. It's a bit easier to trust, to at least try to relax into that connection. Fine, I didn't see him this weekend. That doesn't mean it's going to be 3 months before I see him again.

I had another one of my little epiphanies today. A dear friend was kindly listening to me whine a couple of weeks ago (before I'd seen D) and then to me trying to exert the patience to wait. She expressed concern that I wasn't getting anything out of waiting for him, that this was all pretty one-sided. At the time, the best answer I could come up with was, "well, I'm not exactly doing anything else right now...." But I've been thinking about that; she's a wise friend and doesn't say things like this lightly. Seeing him has changed the equation somewhat -- I'm no longer twisting in the wind all by my lonesome for months. But I've been pushing it deeper than that.

I posted a little while ago about deciding that I am capable of bottoming for someone else. I went to my very first munch last week with a new friend from Alt. It was fabulous to meet her in person and to get to talk a bit. Going with someone else made it so much less intimidating. I still felt a little of that "oooh! fresh meat!" feeling, but it wasn't overwhelming. I was very startled to be invited to two different play parties and get a fair amount of flirting from some people who are pretty prominent in our local community.

Coming home after that, I kept thinking. The munch made it very obvious that if I want to play, there are people who are interested. It would even be in a public setting, and thus quite safe. Yet honestly, I don't want to. I truly don't. He is the one I want to submit to, as far as he wants to take me.

I ended up telling him that I don't really want to bottom for anyone during a conversation online. Yet I felt the need to apologize and remind him that I turn off the filter when I'm talking to him. Which I do, mostly. But I keep this blog, which he knows nothing about. Why?

Today, I realized it's because I don't want to burden him with all of my emotions. Maybe it's a quirk of having done poly for so long or of having thought about it so hard, but to me, until I know that this depth of emotion is something he wants to, it is just unfair to dump it on him. In a context where I am well used to the fact that relationships will be negotiated, that limits and boundaries will be set, I don't get to simply upend the structure because my emotions changed.

I am slowly moving towards finding a place and time to tell him this. Honestly, though, I've been in some pretty deep depression. From that hole, even the expression of positive emotions can seem like an intolerable burden. He's slowly finding his way out, I think, and I don't want to disrupt that fragile equilibrium.

He's letting me in, a bit, to help. He laughs a bit when I thank him over and over for letting me help, but he had a telling observation last weekend. It's easier for me to help than for him to let me. I truly am immensely grateful that he does let me in.

So, I will wait and hope. And deep within my heart, begin to breath a word I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to.

Happiness is ...

Being able to sit at his feet again, listening to the music and just talking. Making dinner for him, and cleaning up the kitchen with him. Something has finally convinced him to let me help, at least a little bit. I stopped by to see him yesterday on my way to work at the State Fair. I barely stayed an hour, but oh it made me happy to just sit and pet him.

Tonight, I went over and taught him how to make my tuna pasta salad. Again, I was only there for a couple of hours, but now, I'm feeling much more at peace with where things are at. I no longer fear that he'll drift out of my life. It hasn't been an easy summer, but I made it. Now, I have hope that we've made it too.

The energy for the overt D/s dynamic isn't there right now, but honestly, I'm okay with that. I can believe that when the time is right, that will return too.

It is so reassuring to know that this time, my heart and my intuition were right. These feelings, this connection, they were not just in my imagination. Tonight, as I sat at his feet, my head on his knee, inhaling the scent of him again, I nearly cried with joy. My heart feels whole again.

Friday night

I'm not sure what prompted him to finally poke a toe out of his cave, but I got to see D for dinner last night. It was so good just to see him and to reassure myself that he was okay. I was also very reassured that he actually did call me and did make the time to see me. In many ways, it was a fabulous evening. We had a chance to just chat, shared injury stories (goes with the territory these days!), and just be together.

I'll confess I did still follow all the rules about seeing him -- freshly shaved, never closing my legs, pretty panties. I even wore a skirt he'd complimented me on. I didn't have any expectations that anything would happen. To me, it was an expression of hope. He has not rescinded the rules. He has not said he will not dominate me again. Heck, I still automatically handed him the keys to drive my car when we ran out to the store quickly.

I'm calmer now that he isn't going to just drift out of my life, and I'm feeling more certain that he wants me in his life (as much as he wants anyone right now). It still drives me crazy that he won't let me in enough to help, but I also understand that's his call to make.

One small sentence stabbed deeply, though. We got back from the store, and he said it was time for him to go up. I asked if he wanted some company, and he declined, saying it was time for his "Friday night thing." Of course I didn't argue, but my heart was saying, "I used to be your 'Friday night thing.'" Dear gods I miss that.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. My brain kept whirling and whirling and whirling on what to do, how to go forward, what could I cope with. Right now, I don't feel like I could truly submit to anyone else. I could play, I could bottom, that I'm sure of. But that searing intensity, that incredible openness, that is his alone. My submission is so tangled in my feelings for him. The ironic thing was that when this all began, I was worried about being able to cope with someone I had no intention of getting emotionally involved with. Last night, I got smacked in the head with the fact that like it or not, I've fallen in love with him.

I've got the beginnings of a plan in my head. I think I'm going to email him and ask him about being my safe call when I finally meet up with M (his plans were derailed by a giant fight with his ex when he dropped his daughter off). I'm going to make it clear that I don't want to need to play with someone else. If nothing else, I've promised M I'll meet him. I'll keep my promise, but I think he's looking for more than just a bottom. That is all I have to give right now.

He mentioned that this hermit phase is a pattern for him, so I'm hoping that if I hang on and wait out the football season, maybe things will change. It's not like I have to do anything else.

Worrying

Getting an email to tell me that he's back at work today after passing out at his desk on Tuesday and being hospitalized made me worry. Turning his phone off after that? Makes me antsy-worried. He may well find me on his doorstep tonight, whether he likes it or not.

Ambivalence

I can tell I'm doing much better these days -- my brain is back. That's mostly good. The bad part is that my refuge from limbo is gone. We've talked on the phone a couple of times. I sent him an email that I thought was rather clear, specifically asking if he still wanted me in his life at least a friend. He was clear in return, telling me I was his friend and sharer of "deep dark fun." :)

But ... he's obviously still in his hermit phase. He's not answering his phone. I've tried to get together several times just to hang out, but there's no response to that. I'm very proud of the fact that I believe him when he says that this isn't about me, that it is in his head. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't see him, even for a bit to reassure myself that he does want me around, that someday he'll come back.

Friday I just kind of lost it. On the way home from work and for bit afterwards, I just wept. My body is healing rapidly, and my desires are coming back. If I knew that on some specific date, we would at least see each other, hopefully to play again, I think I could live. But this limbo stretches unendingly in front of me. What if he's still hiding when football season is over? How long can I hang here, waiting, wondering, hoping, unknowing?

That night, something kind of snapped in me. I ended up chatting with a very nice guy (M). He'd read my profile! He was interested in reading my blog. He could use the English language with proficiency. He's single, so there was none of that "discreet relationship" crap. We talked for hours. He got a good chunk of the story of this summer, and he listened to it and seemed to understand.

So today I sit here filled with conflicting feelings. I'm going to have a late lunch/coffee with M this afternoon. I've got that familiar mix of excitement, nervousness, craving filling me. But a significant part of me wants to just curl up in the corner and weep again. This is NOT what I want. I want him, the only man I've ever called Sir. The man I would dearly love to be allowed to call my Master. Yet I respect him for recognizing that he's not in that place right now.

If only I could go to him, DO something, little things to at least make his life easier or cheer him a bit. But he won't let me.

When he sent me the email that shattered my world, he specifically stated that he would understand if I needed someone who would be around more. In our last phone call, he reminded me that he would always be my safe call if I needed one. Yet he's not. Because he didn't answer his phone this afternoon, so I couldn't ask him.

Gods, I would give nearly anything just to kneel again to wait for him. Instead I'm going to take my courage in both hands and see if maybe I can try again. But I don't want to.

Random pondering

Well, I'm definitely getting better. I went back to work 2 weeks ago. That's been hard, but I've managed to start digging myself out. Motivation is difficult too; it's hard to believe I'll ever catch up. The lack of a on-site manager who knows what's going on isn't helping either.

I haven't talked much about this here, but I help run a convention about anime (a Japanese style of animation) here in the Midwest. It was last weekend. I keep swearing that one of these years I'm going to take a break (maybe 2008 since I've already volunteered to do it again next year). The hotel was ... interesting. In the Chinese sense. Nothing like losing 1 of 4 elevators in a 16-floor hotel with 1700+ people there, much less by 4 pm on Friday! I'm still exhausted, but it seems that almost all attendees had a great time and didn't notice all the snafus behind the scenes. Honestly, that makes it all worth it.

I've exchanged a few emails with Sir and things have settled a bit. We're still friends, we may still play, he does still want me in his life. For me, that's settled quite a bit in my mind. Now, I can honestly believe that it isn't me he's trying to get away from. Now, I don't need to doubt myself for trusting him so. If his life changed, it changed. He didn't exactly go looking for it, but it happened. If nothing else, I haven't lost the dear friend I've found.

Being this helpless has really made me think though. It was profoundly disturbing those first few weeks. There was very little I could do for myself, much less anyone else. I'm not used to that. It is just my nature to be doing for those around me. Even the little things I was physically able to do, I regularly forgot, thanks to the drugs I was on. Being able to do things for others has made me even happier than being able to do things for myself. Although there was an amazing bliss in being able to wash myself for the first time! I'm still trying to sort what, if anything, this tells me about my desire to submit.

For the first time in my life, I've been forbidden to even play with myself. To quote my orthopedist, "large muscle contractions are not your friend these days." This has been VERY difficult for me! I actually haven't quite been able to follow the rules, but I've been careful to keep things low key. I can tell I'm feeling much better, though. I'm getting more and more horny and antsy and did I mention horny? Sadly, L is terrified that she'll end up hurting me somehow. *sigh* Thank GOD I go to the doctor tomorrow!

I'm getting very stir-crazy too. I'm not allowed to drive, and I'm tired of only going places someone else wants to go. If I could have, I'd probably have shown up on Sir's doorstep with dinner and a Netflix by now. I'm just not willing to ask L to take her time to drive me to his place or to any of the local events. She's not interested in them, so why drag her out of the house, when she'll only have to come back to pick me up?

It's hard to be patient and to realize that it's likely to be October before I'm really ready for anything like the kind of play I could handle before I fell. My right shoulder is a total disaster that is going to take a long time to put back together. I have no idea how long it will before I can manage something simple like being on hands and knees. I know that anyone with a scrap of creativity can find plenty of deliciously evil ways to play despite that. But what I'm longing for is the familiar. To be sent to the towel spread at the end of his bed to get into "my" position of hand and knees, knees spread wide, weight on my elbows. To lean against the wall, awaiting the flogger. Someday ....

Well, I've whined enough and L is home from stitch-n-bitch. Hopefully you'll start seeing me around more and commenting more again.

That clipped my wings!

For those of you who haven't heard, I was a great big dumbass Sunday. I slipped and fell in the shower and broke the humerus in my right arm. It's an oblique break, which is good and bad. I don't have to have surgery, but I do have a brace/cast and sling for the next 8-12 weeks. After that, lots and lots of PT. I'm still in a fair amount of pain, although not as bad as before the brace. They have given me the good drugs, at least. Typing with one hand is really annoying on an ergonomic keyboard, so I'll stop now. Prayers and healing vibes are much appreciated.

Calming

I'm much calmer now. Thank you to those who gave me such support. Truly, it helped. I did a lot of thinking overnight and yesterday, and sent D an email. The email basically said, I've thought about this, I think I have some ideas, but we need to talk. I gave him some ideas of my schedule for a bit.

I then spent the next 24 hours stewing about if I was ever going to hear from him again. This is something I'm very fragile about. I ended the sexual part of my last relationship in an attempt to save the friendship. I've heard from A maybe 6 times since November. We used to talk on a daily basis, just as friends, and see each other weekly. I've seen him 3 times since November. I was very definitely unfairly tarring D with the A brush.

To my honest surprise, I got a response today that said he'd call me tonight or Sunday! Suddenly, I am much more able to cope.

Basically, I can live with infrequent scenes, so long as we don't lose contact. I would be very hurt and betrayed if D just vanished from my life except for an occasional booty call. What I'm still not sure of is if I want to play with anyone else. Honestly, I think much will depend on how often D ends up having the need to see me in a D/s context. This is an intoxicating mix, and I don't want to just stop. But, as I kept wrestling with in the first 24 hours, right now I don't want to play with anyone else. I want D, where the trust already exists, where I am more than a body to play with. I also know myself, and if the time between scenes with D stretches out, I'm going to have the need.

I think what I would be most comfortable with is probably continuing to go to local events, maybe play a bit there and get a feel for some others. I get to have breakfast with the adorable qt3141592 from the other place next Saturday, which will be very good. This could turn out to be good for me, in a way, by pushing me a bit further into the local community.

I'm still scared/skeptical that he'll actually call to tell me when we can get together, but I'm trying to be fair. If he does, that will go a long way towards helping me feel like I can find an equilibrium.

Little things

I knew it wasn't good news when the email started with my name. The only time he's ever used my name is when introducing me to someone. It hurt to address the email to D. It made me cry to leave off the closing I've used from the very first. For the first time, I couldn't say "Your Whore."

Shit .... now what?

Well, I screwed up my courage and I asked if he was avoiding himself or me. I was not expecting the answer I got. Basically, his energies are becoming much focused on his AA work and progress. He's been sober for 5 years, and it has been a long hard road to get there. It is one of the things I admire greatly about him. He is very open about this. He was very clear that this had nothing to do with me or my service to him. BDSM just isn't where his head is at right now.

He isn't rejecting BDSM by any means. He is fully aware that this is part of him and it is going to need expression from time to time. He just doesn't see it happening regularly anymore. So, if he wants to hang out or if he wants to play, he'll give me a call. He understands that this is new and very important to me. If I want a more consistent, steady Master, he certainly understands.

At the moment, my heart feels very torn. This is an odd sort of limbo to be in. I haven't been "released" -- I was never collared or owned in the first place. I haven't even been dumped. It just isn't something he wants to do right now. I need to figure out what I need and want now. Well, I know what I want. I want to serve him; not anyone, just him. I also know that I can't have what I want. I don't know what to do. My instinct at the moment is to just tell him I'll take what I can get from him. I am also bitterly and deeply cynical about if I'll ever hear from him again. Which probably isn't fair to him, but my last relationship ended on a supposedly friendly note and almost no contact for the last 5 months.

All those fears and nightmares and worries about having to decide if I could trust anyone else that much? Not bogeymen of my own imagining. Suddenly, I am faced with the situation I have feared and dreaded for months. My brain is in a whirl right now. I'm crying randomly. My head hurts. My heart aches. One minute I'm rehearsing how to go to the next local event, the next I'm suddenly struck that I'll never get to go to a playparty as his. I want to hide, to cry, to mourn, to just get off the fucking merry go round. Instead I need to go change out of work clothes, finish cleaning the house and get ready to host knitting group tonight. Joy.

Losing ....

It's not been a good weekend. I'm losing the battle against my insecurities. I can't seem to redirect my brain from rehearsing the end. It's not fair to Sir. It's been a whopping 4 days since I heard from him ( to say that the schedule was looking crowded for this weekend). I just wish I could shake this conviction that for some reason, he's tired of me or at least of trying to make this D/s thing work when I have a primary relationship.

Currently, I'm trying to hold to a decision to not contact Sir. He's heard from me a couple of times trying to schedule things (which he has explicitly said he would like me to do, as it my relationship with L that requires that things be scheduled at least 24 hours in advance). I sent him a quick offline message this morning stating that I was looking forward to serving him again. I dislike setting up "tests" for relationships, but I also need to know that he does want to see me.

If I get to two full weeks without contact, then I think it will be time to find out if things truly are over. I hate myself for planning this, but I can't stand the limbo anymore.

I'm still trying to focus on serving him again and on honoring the bond between us, but I'm getting very afraid. I'm starting to dream-rehearse things too, which is never a good sign.

I'm also strongly debating breaking my contact deadline and trying to talk to him and tell him how much this bothers me. He's just not online much anymore, and that is good because it means he's getting out and not being a hermit anymore. It also means that our primary means of communication doesn't work so well.

Sorry for the whining, but I needed to do it somewhere.

What an amazing journey

Six months ago tonight, for the very first time, I climbed the steps to Sir's home. I could hardly breathe and I trembled as I read the note left for me on the door, "Welcome Whore, come in and kneel on the X." With a deep breath, I opened the door. For the first time, I removed all my clothing, carefully placing it next to the door. Shaking, I knelt on the X, facing the coffee table with various toys displayed on it. What shook me the most was that I had no idea where this step would take me.

That was another step on a journey that amazes me every day. In the past six months I have learned so much, discovered unexpected things about myself. Yet with every step along the way, I have been completely without fear. As I continue to read blogs and get to know others, I understand more and more how special that is.

I am beyond fortunate. From the very first, I have been able to submit to a man with the experience, the self-control, and the empathy to lead me along this journey. He takes care to continue to learn. I have truly never been so intensely paid attention to in all my life. In just two months, I came to trust him so much that I dropped all but my hardest limits with him. That trust continues to grow. Because of that trust, I am free to push myself and to even think about exploring one of those hard limits. To find someone worthy of that trust is a gift beyond price.

It has not always been an easy journey. The greatest battle has been with my own demons and insecurities. It is hard for me to continue to honor this bond between us, even when days go by with little opportunity to even talk to him. But I will continue to fight that battle. I am determined not to allow my insecurities to pull me away. As I have trusted him, I feel (I think, I hope) that he also trusts me. I will honor that trust, that bond.

As I have faced my fears and conquered them (usually turning them into a love of the activity!), my confidence in myself has grown. As a dear friend told me when I began this journey, "Doing scary things even though you can stop them with a word, now that creates power!" Learning that I can move beyond these fears has spread into the rest of my life. Sir generally prefers to keep his control to when I am with him, but the confidence I've gained has spread.

I talk about this a lot in my various blogs, but the feeling of peace and serenity that flows over me every time I wait for him are very precious to me. With him, I am free to be all of me, from the intelligent woman who runs conventions to his insatiable whore who will do anything to please him. I treasure that freedom. When I kneel to await him, I am in the place I long to be, I am fulfilling who I am.

Thank you Sir. Thank you for leading me each step down this journey. Thank you for being the man you, so deserving of my trust and respect. Thank you for accepting me, for freeing me, for making me feel so cherished and cared for.

My only hope is that this journey continues. The longing to serve Sir is almost overwhelming at times.

Longing for catharsis, for release

As I put it to a friend the other day, my job has thrown up all over me. I'm the office manager for an insurance agency. I handle everything from daily admin stuff to training the new agents on all our systems. I've been at this job for almost a year and a half, and I love it. There is always something new to do, I get to teach people, but the biggest reason my job is great has been my boss. She's fantastic to work with.

For starters, that statement "to work with" is very true. I haven't worked for her, I've worked with her. Not only does she trust me to do my job, she listens to me about the rest of the agency as well. I've been an integral part of a lot of key decisions, and that is something I thrive on. She's also become a friend. I go to lunch with my boss probably twice a week (and we go dutch!) because I like to. We've gone shopping together -- she helped me pick out my latest pair of summer shoes for the office and the toenail polish color that went with them. :D

However, this job has been hell for her. Not only has she not received the support she needs from her manager, but he's actively undermined her authority within the agency regularly. Our district director is a classic case of a Dilbert manager -- he's certainly been promoted to the level of his incompetence. She actually developed shingles this winter from the stress. So she's leaving. She got a fantastic offer to move back to Colorado and become an agent again.

I'm thrilled for her. She will be closer to her family, back in the church and the social circle she loves. But god is my life going to suck at work this summer. I probably won't have a new manager until September at the earliest. That throws a whole new set of responsibilities on my shoulders.

I have two new agents who started on Monday. The first 3 months of training are crucial to the success of a new agent. As my boss keeps telling me, I am not the manager, I'm not getting paid to be the manager. But I still would never forgive myself if either of these guys fails because I didn't train him properly. I can see the problems our other agents are having because their training was half-assed and unplanned.

Apparently we may be hiring another new agent after my manager leaves. She's a great candidate and I think she'll be an excellent addition to the agency. But that's another one I'll be responsible for getting her off on the right path.

Fortunately, it looks like the other boulder that was going to come crashing down on me isn't going to happen. We came this close to losing one of our biggest agents. He was threatening to go to a competing agency that is well known for their highly predatory tactics in going after clients. He's also in a small town about 30 miles north of our office. One of the new agents is planning to be based out of that town (he was hired to take over when this agent retires in a few years). So suddenly I was looking at having to force train a new agent, find him an office, supervise the build-out, find him an assistant (or two), figure out how to make sure the company pays for them, and train the assistants. I get a headache just thinking about it.

So aside from needing to vent all of this, where is the catharsis and release content? Because oh god do I crave the peace that comes when I kneel and await Sir's pleasure. I need to let go, to give up all control, to know my place and how to fulfill my purpose. I also have a rapidly building need for a shattering catharsis, to release all of this. It's enough to make me almost hope that Sir's plans for Saturday evening don't work out. I'm becoming subsumed in this longing and need.

Displayed

My mind keeps returning to how I felt having my nicely striped ass displayed at the workshop last week. While in several ways it was humiliating, it was also very hot. What is interesting to me is how reassuring it is becoming.

I get insecure very easily. I am all too aware of my faults, my neediness, my constant need for reassurance. I let that insecurity kill my last relationship; it became an excuse to pull away, shelter myself, hide again. When I pulled away, he assumed my interest had gone. I vowed never to allow that to happen again.

The simple fact that Sir wanted people to see [I]me[/I], to display [I]me[/I], has become very reassuring to me. I am oddly proud of that. It is also hard to believe that it truly happened.

Even as I stood there, bent over with my skirt flipped up, I settled into a quiet pride and a determination to stand there until told otherwise. It made me squirm inside, yet it also made me stand tall (while bent over!).

This has been another difficult week. The schedules are getting more difficult. It has been very hard to redirect myself to positive thoughts, to focusing on honouring the bond. I miss him, I long for him, for the peace I feel kneeling and waiting for him. It will happen; I only hope it is soon.

Canes again!

Last night was the Erotic Deviance workshop on caning. Sir definitely wanted to go, and I really enjoyed the flogging workshop last month, so I made plans to go as well. Parking was HARD to find. I ended up parking a few blocks away to avoid being late. Once I got there, it was very good to see Sir and T and S. I really like S -- I have a feeling she'd be fun to hang out with. T is just a hoot -- it's such fun to watch she and Sir interact.

The talks and demonstrations were very interesting and well done, as usual. They have such good handouts too! I wasn't able to read much of the handout, as I kept using it to fan Sir and myself. It was very warm in the space.

While Sir had brought most of his cane collection, he was not planning on playing with anyone. He was uncomfortably warm. So instead we did a lot of watching of the various scenes going on. T had brought some friends/co-workers (now THERE'S a job!), and I ended up talking to one of them for a bit about what a cane felt like. She was almost overwhelmed, and we also talked about the fact that most people didn't start out liking being caned.

At one point, Sir was talking with someone he knew (I wish I wasn't so bad with names!). I glanced over at him, and he motioned me over to him. There was a bit of bantering conversation about orgasm control, and Sir laughed and said if the sluts were allowed to come all the time, there's be a puddle. I couldn't resist, grinned, and stated that if it was me, it would be more like a lake! :D Then Sir mentioned something I hadn't quite realized -- without overtly trying to, I can pretty much cum on command from Sir. I thought about it a moment and realized it was quite true.

Then Sir just couldn't resist at least taking out his toys and showing one of them to T. Yes, he showed off that evil horse thing again. I'm still not sure what to call it! Soon, he'd started playing. :) First he had some fun with one of the smaller canes and T's breasts. Once he was done with that, it was my turn.

Suddenly, I was very nervous. I really hadn't expected Sir to want to play when it was so warm, and I'm not exactly experienced with a cane. I worried that I wouldn't be able to take it well or that I'd get all dramatic and embarrass Sir. Still, I did as he wished and bent over the table, resting my arms on it. I was also very conscious of being right in front of T and S, and they'd never watched Sir play with me before. I so wanted to do well.

I wore a denim skirt, and Sir just lifted it up across my back. I was very glad I had bothered to put on the black lace panties. :D I promptly closed my eyes and worked hard on breathing deeply. I kept reminding myself that I'd taken far more than I dreamed I could on Monday, and I could do this. It felt more exposed somehow, not having removed any clothing.

Then the cane was wandering around my ass, tapping, tapping. I find the tapping harder to take than the strikes, in some ways. I'm still thinking about why, but I think it's because the pain all runs together. The cane stilled along one cheek, and then the fire. There was just enough noise in the room that this time I couldn't hear the swish. Sir definitely has certain places on my ass he's fond of, because he hit a spot that was still a touch sore.

Sir definitely has a habit of laying the cane where he wants to hit and then doing so. This time, I did much better at not getting all freaked out inside my head when it was a sore spot. Which meant I was a bit more relaxed and the strikes were a bit easier to take. At one point he gave me a thorough strike low on my thighs, stopped to admire the effect and commented "Hope you weren't planning on wearing shorts anytime soon!" He was quite right -- I actually did bruise there!

It took everything I had not to really cry out several times. The cane definitely pushes my limits, but I learned that I can handle it better than I thought I would. Looking back, I'm startled at how deep I dropped. For much of it, I was completely unaware of anyone but Sir.

That standing bent over position was hard to maintain sometimes. I learned just how much I tense up when the pain is hard to take -- my legs were really beginning to cramp. At least Sir only had to tell me to bend my knees once (that I remember). Sir reminded me once to let him know if it got too much, and told me it was hard to hear me, so I should use our safe signals if needed. Sometimes, I'm so stereotypical, because my first thought was a determination NOT to do so. Yet, that determination did help me to push through.

I remember having to consciously relax to avoid the cramps in my legs a few times. I'm pleased that I managed it, even knowing that the fire was coming again. Sir would often place his hand on the small of my back. I'm not sure if I was showing too much tendency to move, or if it was just a bit of extra connection. That really helped, though. At one point he made me a happy girl when he grabbed my hair and gave me a good whack. Gods, I love when he grabs my hair.

When he was done, I just panted for a moment. Sir ran his hand over my ass and gave me a good swat on each cheek. These days, when he does that, it makes me all tingly and happy; it reminds me that he likes my ass. That's something I don't think I want to get to used to; I want it to stay fresh and amazing.

Sir then startled me by ordering me to turn around and show off my ass. There weren't a ton of people in that direction (I don't think). I did so, feeling such a mix of humiliation and pride at being displayed so. Then he upped the ante by telling me to stand forward so they could see better! I did it, waiting until he came to me and brought my skirt down. I ended up mostly feeling proud that he wanted to display me like that.

A brief moment held in his arms, and then he went to get me some water. I carefully headed back to the chairs and GENTLY sat down. He kindly brought the water to me, and we sat and chatted for a bit. I got a lovely compliment from T's friend/coworker. I realized that once again, I could actually feel how hot my ass was. One thing that I'm less fond of about the scenes at workshops and the like is that I have to come down quickly and thoroughly. I don't do that well, and I miss a more tactile approach to coming down.

It was getting later and Sir has to get up so early, so we headed out. I supposed I could have stayed and been social, but I'm pretty fragile after a scene like that. I just didn't feel up to being social with people I don't know that well; I have a definite tendency to hang on the sidelines a bit more and absorb how a new group works.

Sir was very kind and walked me to my car, since it was a bit of a hike. I drove him to his car. Driving home, I realized I was still pretty spacy -- it took some concentrating to drive safely. I also realized that my ass was SORE. I began to wonder if the welts/weals would still be there when I got home.

When I got home, the first thing I did was run upstairs and check. Sure enough, I actually got to see the welts! A couple are even still visible today, and the bruises on my thighs will be there for a bit. I don't bruise easily, and when I do, it takes a while to heal. Fortunately, I don't wear skirts that high much at all.

I'm learning that I can take more than I ever thought, and that I like that. :D

Diving deep again

I indulged this past week and took Monday afternoon off to see Sir. With his schedule, that gave us the most possible time. I hadn't dared to tell him, but I found myself craving some real intensity and I wanted my limits pushed. It was like all my longing during May needed an outlet. I tried to make sure that I wasn't expecting it, though. If I didn't have the guts to communicate it, I'd better not work myself up if I didn't get it!

I was so excited and happy to see Sir. I almost hurried through my preparations and my head was full of remembering the previous weekend (this had consequences later). I was actually almost half an hour early! Since I knew Sir would have only gotten home recently, I decided not to call him. Instead, I just sat in my car and listened to my iPod. Finally I couldn't wait any longer, and I was now less than ten minutes early.

The towel was waiting for me on the living room floor. I knelt and waited for Sir. That sense of peace and rightness settled over me. Here was where I wanted and needed to be. I focused on being as open as I could be. Finally, I heard his step behind me. His hand in my hair was promptly followed by his cock in my mouth. Bliss! At one point, he was smacking my ass with the crop in his hand while I was sucking his cock; that was fun! We played like that for a while.

Then Sir decided to put the nipple clamps on. I was just so happy to be there, to be with him again, I couldn't resist finding a way to sneak a cuddle. I ended up being a bit cat-like and rubbing my face against his arm while he put the clamps on. I'm not sure why this bit sticks in my head so, but it has. The blindfold went on next. Sir led me down the hallway to his study.

I was so flattered -- Sir wanted to show me off on cam while I sucked his cock. Time just kind of went away for a lovely long time, as I knelt and reveled in what I was doing. Sir had fun playing with the clamps and pulling on the chain. It was so hard to be quiet when he did that. Fortunately, the clamps came off at some point in there. Sometimes, Sir would pass along compliments he was getting about the show. Those mostly made me proud, but there was a part of me that was just squirming that strangers were watching me too. At one point, Sir even fucked me on cam (another first!). That is when I wished I were taller, because it gets hard to maintain my balance on my toes like that.

Finally Sir decided he wanted to flog me. I was just dancing inside, because Sir does not flog me lightly (not anymore!) and I so wanted a good thorough beating. Still blindfolded, he led me out the living room, placed me against the wall, and got me a wonderfully cold bottle of water. Then, it was time. I was just blissful. Getting flogged is one of those things that can just send me so deep so quickly. I think I'm getting better at controlling my breathing. Sir didn't have to tell me to slow down nearly as much as he used to.

It was not a conscious thing, but as the flogging moved up in intensity, I found myself repeating over and over in my head, "I want this." I'm still not sure exactly why. It did make it much easier to take the pain in. Looking back, I think it also helped to keep me from tightening up and beginning to panic about being overwhelmed by all the sensation. I hope I'm learning to move past that. I really want to feel completely overwhelmed again.

This did become quite the intense flogging. Sir worked up through several floggers to "Moosey" as the moose-hide flogger is affectionately nicknamed. Then he worked back down. Finally, he came to me, placed the handle of the flogger up against my cunt and told me to close my legs and hold it there. He played with my nipples a bit, and then simply leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "Cum!" Oh my did I! These days, it's like there's just so much pent up inside me when I'm with Sir. And that one little word is all it takes to release it. I'm still fascinated by how different orgasms can be, though! :D Once I calmed down a bit, Sir made me lick the flogger handle clean.

Then it was off to the bed, still following him, just a bit shaky now! On all fours on the bed, I was rewarded with his cock in my cunt. Nearly instantly, I was having to work so hard not to cum. Sir was very generous and gave me permission to cum very soon. That was so wonderful! Sir then decided it was time to fuck my ass. I'm not sure why, but it was very painful at first. Fortunately, we moved past that quickly and then it was so good. Sir noticed I was trying hard not to cum again, and gave me permission again!

At that point, I came crashing down a bit. I've been enjoying that getting that waxing meant I didn't have to shave and my cunt was still staying nice and smooth. Well I'd managed to forget about the hairs that were missed. I hadn't shaved them off, and Sir had noticed. One of the very first rules he gave me was that any time I saw him, I was to be freshly shaved and smooth. He certainly approves of the waxing, but he was very disappointed that I hadn't shaved those long hairs off.

Thus, I wasn't allowed to cum again that day. There would be more consequences later. Sir continued to enjoy fucking my ass for a while, and I just had to hang on and not cum. Then I was told that I would be feeling the cane today. I shivered -- I'd only been caned once before and I knew Sir had gone lightly and easily on me, and it had been very hard. I was still feeling very badly that I had neglected something that I knew I needed to take care of.

Sir had me lay flat on the bed, picked up the cane, and wondered aloud how many I should get. He decided that since the next day was 6/6/06, there should be 18 strokes. I was to count each of them. I was getting very worried now -- I think I got about 4 or 5 good whacks the last time with a cane. I could not imagine how I was going to get through 18, much less keep count. I took a deep breath and figured I'd find a way somehow. Sir had never pushed me past what I could take before.

Tap, tap, tap across my ass -- somehow that just seemed to make me tense up more. Swish -- crack! "One, Sir." Damn that was white-hot. I tried hard to breath slowly and deeply. He kept working up and down my ass and thighs. It was a real struggle to stay there, to take it. Sir did have to stop and remind me to slow down, to breathe, several times. At one point he snapped out at me to take the pain, that I deserved it. That helped. It focused me again and made me determined that I would get through this and please him.

By the last few, I couldn't stop from crying out and this odd whimper/sobbing, but I did it. I was so relieved to be able to get out "Eighteen, Sir!" and just collapse on the bed, shaking and whimpering. Sir was right there, soothing me, telling me I was a good girl. He also pointed out that I took much more than I thought I could, which made me very proud. The lovely soft rabbit fur soothed my ass, and I calmed down. Sir laid down next to me and held me. I so needed that connection again. I could feel the heat from my ass though!

After a little bit, I was allowed to suck Sir's cock again and to lick his ass. I so love pleasing him like that -- he is very clear how much he enjoys that, which makes it even better for me.

Then we thought we were done, I was still laying on the bed as Sir was moving toys and things around. Curious, I asked him which canes he'd used on me. I knew there were a couple of them. I was amazed that I managed to take the bamboo one -- it looked big! Sir pointed out that he hadn't used the big green acrylic one, for which I was very thankful! He was moving things around again and I saw that nasty green palm-tree looking thing. Silly me commented on how much I hated that. Sir grinned, recalled when he'd last used it on me (only our second scene!), and promptly used it on my tits. That thing is SHARP and I'm not fond of it.

This lead into the tour of the toybox -- which was fun! I also made the mistake of pointing out to Sir that he'd never used a paddle on me, or a slapper. He quickly remedied that! He also found this evil looking thing that had two leather tails shaped like long sharply pointed leaves on the end. That thing is NASTY -- the best I could describe it to him was like the worst of the cane and the paddle, because it is a white-hot pain, but spread over a wide area.

Then I ended up rolling over on my back (still not sure how that happened), and he used a couple of short leather strap-like things and the crop and his hands on my tits and my cunt and my thighs. Ooooh it was so hard to stay where he wanted me! I still have a significant tendency to pull my legs up when he's smacking my cunt, but I do always manage to put my legs back down. To me, that is another reinforcement that I submit to Sir, that nothing is forced. I don't want him to smack my thighs with the short strap, but he wants to, so I lay my legs down and leave my cunt open to him again.

Finally, it was off to the tub. I knelt in the tub, faced Sir, and took a deep breath. This time, he made me tell him that I did want him to piss on me. So he did. This is still something that just picks my brain up, shakes it for a bit, and then rolls it around. It is almost completely mental for me.

I certainly got the intensity that I'd been longing for! It took me quite a while to come down! I went to get myself some dinner, since L wasn't home that night. Every time I moved, I was VERY aware of how I'd spent my afternoon, and I loved it. Most importantly, I'd been able to go deep as I had been longing, to just give myself up to Sir and feel and please him.

Finally

Oh how I had missed Sir! I was finally able to see him on Sunday. I was so happy I was almost shaking as I knelt waiting for him. It's also very nice to know that there are people who understand how right everything was in my world when his cock was down my throat before I even said hello. I was such a tangle of emotions: so very happy, a bit relieved that I hadn't somehow gotten out of practice in serving him, turned on like crazy, but most of all, just slipping into that peace of serving him, of bringing him pleasure.

As I'm sure most of you reading here can tell, being apart from Sir sent me into my own funk as well. While Sir did his best to make sure I understood that he was just working through some things and they had nothing to do with me, it's very hard for part of my brain to avoid becoming convinced that everything is over. I did better at managing the emotional roller coaster this time (thank you again, Fella!), but it wasn't always easy. This had shown in little ways -- I couldn't summon up the energy to do some of the grooming things I did regularly when I saw Sir every week. Being firmly convinced that a little retail therapy is always good, I decided to splurge and get a Brazilian wax.

Ooooh my that was so worth it! It hurt lots while she was doing it, but I'm not going back to shaving, that's for sure! I also got all silly because I knew Sir would like it too. I was originally going to surprise him with it, but I just couldn't wait and spilled the beans. He teased me that I was going to get wet, given my usual pain response. It was such fun to get a text message from him in the middle of the waxing session asking if I was wet! The woman doing it didn't seem to notice that it did, but she did comment on my excellent pain management skills. I had to scramble to come up with a reason I knew all about breathing to manage pain, since I don't have kids. :)

I was up early. I hadn't though about how not having to shave so carefully was going to make my preparations faster, so I was ready quite early. I logged into IM just to pass the time and Sir was online -- once I told him I was ready, he said to come early, as the heat was getting intense already. I was practically bouncing as I drove. Sir hadn't allowed me to cum since L left town and I was wound up!

Once I arrived, it was so good to fall back into that ritual of locking the doors behind me, stripping, and kneeling. When I was on my knees, waiting for him, there was this wave of relief so strong I nearly cried. I realized how afraid I'd been that I would never kneel there again, waiting to please Sir. I was back and I was filled with joy to be there.

"Welcome back, whore." With a caress to my hair, his cock was in my mouth. This was where I wanted, needed to be. Filled with him, with his scent, bringing him pleasure. All was right in my world again.

The hand on my back, sending me to the floor to check out the waxing job. I wanted to pout when he discovered that some had been missed, but he still liked the results. I was certainly wet already! Then he was sliding into my cunt, filling me, and I wanted to cry and cum all at the same time. Just a taste, and Sir decided I was just a bit too keyed up. In went the ball gag and on went the nipple clamps; at least the clamps were only the tweezer kind, but they still felt so good. After a few slaps to my tits and even a bit on my face, it was off to the bed.

Sir alternated between fucking me and flogging me and it was so good. I was glad for the gag, as I really had to work not to make lots of noise. Trying not to cum as he fucked my cunt was so hard, but I reveled in it. It was warm, so the flogger would stick to my skin sometimes, but I liked the tug on my skin as Sir pulled the flogger off. At first, Sir used the light suede flogger, nice and stingy. Eventually he got out one of the heavier ones and oooh I loved that.

When Sir began fucking my ass, I was very grateful for all the lube he'd used. I was a bit worried that since it had been a while, it would be rather painful again, but it was just right. Getting flogged and fucked at the same time? Mmm that was fun!

Every time Sir's hands reached forward, I knew I was going to have to work even harder to avoid cumming without permission. He would reach forward and play with my clamped nipples. Thank goodness he'd already given me permission to cum when he took the clamps off!

Sir takes such good care of me -- he made sure he got me lots of water to keep me hydrated. He was getting uncomfortably hot in the bedroom, so we moved to the living room couch for some more fun. I like that couch! It seems to be comfortable for Sir, and it's quite comfortable for me to be on my knees and using my mouth to please him. I loved doing that -- it is such a comfortable angle to take all of him, or I can do lots of other things he enjoys.

It was a fairly light and brief time, as the heat was really getting to Sir and was even starting to get to me. So we installed the new AC unit I found him and went to have a fabulous lunch. If you are in the Twin Cities area, I highly recommend Maria's Cafe in the Ancient Traders Market on Franklin. Fantastic Columbian food and great breakfasts too!

While this may not have been an incredibly intense reunion, it gave me the reconnection with Sir that I desperately needed.

Good struggles

It's amazing how even brief chats two nights in a row lifts my spirits. Just to know that he makes the effort to say hi means so much. I'm more than willing to wait as patiently as I can while he works through this. My own struggles with depression make this empathy all too easy. Of course being me, now the struggle is with knowing there isn't really anything I can do help or to make things better. All I can do is wait and care and hope. To me, that is the hardest part of having someone close to you who is very depressed. No matter how much you would love to take on some of that burden, all you can do is stand by and be supportive to the core of your being.

Write the good stuff too!

In reading this blog, I'm realizing that I only tend to write when I'm very wound up or when it is something Sir has asked me to write. Since I tend to write when I'm insecure or otherwise not feeling positive about how things are going, I'm going to make more of an effort to blog the good times too.

We're approaching a return to good times. I was able to chat with Sir briefly before he had to get to sleep tonight. He's still struggling with his "bad funk"; however, when I offered a simple listening ear, he didn't turn me down. He simply said he wasn't quite ready to talk yet. He is making the effort to communicate, even if it is brief.

Perhaps it is because when I get depressed, I become very withdrawn and try very hard to be self-sufficient, but I am very appreciative of these efforts to communicate. I'm trying to give him the time he needs.

Fellahere, your point about honoring our bond has been very helpful. I've also been working hard at refocusing that rehearsal portion of my brain. I am making a conscious effort to rehearse what I will do when Sir and I play next, not how it will all come crashing down. It is really having an effect on my stability. Thank you!

The Thread Running Underneath It All...

I've noticed that almost every morning as I get ready, or any other time that I'm quiet, running through the back of my head is simply, "please Sir." I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but I've got some ideas.

Part of it is a simple plea that this amazing journey continue. The intensity, the bond, the trust between us is wonderful. I have a very hard time thinking of how I could come to trust someone else this thoroughly. Knowing that he feels this intensity himself is a lifeline sometimes.

Part of it is my personal demon, my own insecurity. I truly have gained quite a bit of confidence in myself and in my "abilities" through this relationship. Yet, every time I don't hear from him for a few days, or when the schedule doesn't work out, my fears come roaring back. Thus, I hope every day that somehow I won't drive him away.

I had another fit of panic and insecurity last Friday, when I didn't hear from him all day. Sadly, I let that insecurity get the better of me and sent an email and an IM that I regret (especially the IM). I have a bad tendency to get very clingy when I'm insecure. Right now, I'm so afraid that I pushed too far, asked for too much, or somehow just pissed him off.

Logically, there isn't any reason to think that. We had a lovely time at the flogging demo last Wednesday. I had my second public scene (shorter and less intense) and he was very pleased with me. He specifically told me that he was very proud of how far I'd come in less than 5 months.

On the upside, I think I'm getting better at not letting myself get as bad. But it is such a struggle. I had a night of really bad sleep last night. I kept waking up and finding myself going down the short list of people I've been talking to locally, trying to decide if I could bring myself to approach any of them. I even found myself thinking that I really need to get an email off to a wonderful guy who does a lot of the community building here in the Twin Cities. He runs an email list and mentioned that I should get on it. Sir was going to take care of it, but he forgot. My thought process was that this way I at least had a few ties into the local community so I could find someone else if Sir didn't want me anymore.

Bah -- I need to stop worrying about this. Sir would not simply walk away. He would at least tell me if things changed. He has so much going on in his life right now, with both of his parents needing so much time and energy as they recover. This new work schedule is horribly difficult for him and it's really cutting into his sleep.

A sharply lovely afternoon

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.