Saturday, August 26, 2006

Friday night

I'm not sure what prompted him to finally poke a toe out of his cave, but I got to see D for dinner last night. It was so good just to see him and to reassure myself that he was okay. I was also very reassured that he actually did call me and did make the time to see me. In many ways, it was a fabulous evening. We had a chance to just chat, shared injury stories (goes with the territory these days!), and just be together.

I'll confess I did still follow all the rules about seeing him -- freshly shaved, never closing my legs, pretty panties. I even wore a skirt he'd complimented me on. I didn't have any expectations that anything would happen. To me, it was an expression of hope. He has not rescinded the rules. He has not said he will not dominate me again. Heck, I still automatically handed him the keys to drive my car when we ran out to the store quickly.

I'm calmer now that he isn't going to just drift out of my life, and I'm feeling more certain that he wants me in his life (as much as he wants anyone right now). It still drives me crazy that he won't let me in enough to help, but I also understand that's his call to make.

One small sentence stabbed deeply, though. We got back from the store, and he said it was time for him to go up. I asked if he wanted some company, and he declined, saying it was time for his "Friday night thing." Of course I didn't argue, but my heart was saying, "I used to be your 'Friday night thing.'" Dear gods I miss that.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. My brain kept whirling and whirling and whirling on what to do, how to go forward, what could I cope with. Right now, I don't feel like I could truly submit to anyone else. I could play, I could bottom, that I'm sure of. But that searing intensity, that incredible openness, that is his alone. My submission is so tangled in my feelings for him. The ironic thing was that when this all began, I was worried about being able to cope with someone I had no intention of getting emotionally involved with. Last night, I got smacked in the head with the fact that like it or not, I've fallen in love with him.

I've got the beginnings of a plan in my head. I think I'm going to email him and ask him about being my safe call when I finally meet up with M (his plans were derailed by a giant fight with his ex when he dropped his daughter off). I'm going to make it clear that I don't want to need to play with someone else. If nothing else, I've promised M I'll meet him. I'll keep my promise, but I think he's looking for more than just a bottom. That is all I have to give right now.

He mentioned that this hermit phase is a pattern for him, so I'm hoping that if I hang on and wait out the football season, maybe things will change. It's not like I have to do anything else.

1 comment:

WistfulWench said...

Kneeling, I can't say anything that will help. All I can do is offer you lots and lots of hugs and let you know I'm thinking of you....