Ambivalence

I can tell I'm doing much better these days -- my brain is back. That's mostly good. The bad part is that my refuge from limbo is gone. We've talked on the phone a couple of times. I sent him an email that I thought was rather clear, specifically asking if he still wanted me in his life at least a friend. He was clear in return, telling me I was his friend and sharer of "deep dark fun." :)

But ... he's obviously still in his hermit phase. He's not answering his phone. I've tried to get together several times just to hang out, but there's no response to that. I'm very proud of the fact that I believe him when he says that this isn't about me, that it is in his head. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't see him, even for a bit to reassure myself that he does want me around, that someday he'll come back.

Friday I just kind of lost it. On the way home from work and for bit afterwards, I just wept. My body is healing rapidly, and my desires are coming back. If I knew that on some specific date, we would at least see each other, hopefully to play again, I think I could live. But this limbo stretches unendingly in front of me. What if he's still hiding when football season is over? How long can I hang here, waiting, wondering, hoping, unknowing?

That night, something kind of snapped in me. I ended up chatting with a very nice guy (M). He'd read my profile! He was interested in reading my blog. He could use the English language with proficiency. He's single, so there was none of that "discreet relationship" crap. We talked for hours. He got a good chunk of the story of this summer, and he listened to it and seemed to understand.

So today I sit here filled with conflicting feelings. I'm going to have a late lunch/coffee with M this afternoon. I've got that familiar mix of excitement, nervousness, craving filling me. But a significant part of me wants to just curl up in the corner and weep again. This is NOT what I want. I want him, the only man I've ever called Sir. The man I would dearly love to be allowed to call my Master. Yet I respect him for recognizing that he's not in that place right now.

If only I could go to him, DO something, little things to at least make his life easier or cheer him a bit. But he won't let me.

When he sent me the email that shattered my world, he specifically stated that he would understand if I needed someone who would be around more. In our last phone call, he reminded me that he would always be my safe call if I needed one. Yet he's not. Because he didn't answer his phone this afternoon, so I couldn't ask him.

Gods, I would give nearly anything just to kneel again to wait for him. Instead I'm going to take my courage in both hands and see if maybe I can try again. But I don't want to.