Random pondering

Well, I'm definitely getting better. I went back to work 2 weeks ago. That's been hard, but I've managed to start digging myself out. Motivation is difficult too; it's hard to believe I'll ever catch up. The lack of a on-site manager who knows what's going on isn't helping either.

I haven't talked much about this here, but I help run a convention about anime (a Japanese style of animation) here in the Midwest. It was last weekend. I keep swearing that one of these years I'm going to take a break (maybe 2008 since I've already volunteered to do it again next year). The hotel was ... interesting. In the Chinese sense. Nothing like losing 1 of 4 elevators in a 16-floor hotel with 1700+ people there, much less by 4 pm on Friday! I'm still exhausted, but it seems that almost all attendees had a great time and didn't notice all the snafus behind the scenes. Honestly, that makes it all worth it.

I've exchanged a few emails with Sir and things have settled a bit. We're still friends, we may still play, he does still want me in his life. For me, that's settled quite a bit in my mind. Now, I can honestly believe that it isn't me he's trying to get away from. Now, I don't need to doubt myself for trusting him so. If his life changed, it changed. He didn't exactly go looking for it, but it happened. If nothing else, I haven't lost the dear friend I've found.

Being this helpless has really made me think though. It was profoundly disturbing those first few weeks. There was very little I could do for myself, much less anyone else. I'm not used to that. It is just my nature to be doing for those around me. Even the little things I was physically able to do, I regularly forgot, thanks to the drugs I was on. Being able to do things for others has made me even happier than being able to do things for myself. Although there was an amazing bliss in being able to wash myself for the first time! I'm still trying to sort what, if anything, this tells me about my desire to submit.

For the first time in my life, I've been forbidden to even play with myself. To quote my orthopedist, "large muscle contractions are not your friend these days." This has been VERY difficult for me! I actually haven't quite been able to follow the rules, but I've been careful to keep things low key. I can tell I'm feeling much better, though. I'm getting more and more horny and antsy and did I mention horny? Sadly, L is terrified that she'll end up hurting me somehow. *sigh* Thank GOD I go to the doctor tomorrow!

I'm getting very stir-crazy too. I'm not allowed to drive, and I'm tired of only going places someone else wants to go. If I could have, I'd probably have shown up on Sir's doorstep with dinner and a Netflix by now. I'm just not willing to ask L to take her time to drive me to his place or to any of the local events. She's not interested in them, so why drag her out of the house, when she'll only have to come back to pick me up?

It's hard to be patient and to realize that it's likely to be October before I'm really ready for anything like the kind of play I could handle before I fell. My right shoulder is a total disaster that is going to take a long time to put back together. I have no idea how long it will before I can manage something simple like being on hands and knees. I know that anyone with a scrap of creativity can find plenty of deliciously evil ways to play despite that. But what I'm longing for is the familiar. To be sent to the towel spread at the end of his bed to get into "my" position of hand and knees, knees spread wide, weight on my elbows. To lean against the wall, awaiting the flogger. Someday ....

Well, I've whined enough and L is home from stitch-n-bitch. Hopefully you'll start seeing me around more and commenting more again.