Friday, June 23, 2006

Calming

I'm much calmer now. Thank you to those who gave me such support. Truly, it helped. I did a lot of thinking overnight and yesterday, and sent D an email. The email basically said, I've thought about this, I think I have some ideas, but we need to talk. I gave him some ideas of my schedule for a bit.

I then spent the next 24 hours stewing about if I was ever going to hear from him again. This is something I'm very fragile about. I ended the sexual part of my last relationship in an attempt to save the friendship. I've heard from A maybe 6 times since November. We used to talk on a daily basis, just as friends, and see each other weekly. I've seen him 3 times since November. I was very definitely unfairly tarring D with the A brush.

To my honest surprise, I got a response today that said he'd call me tonight or Sunday! Suddenly, I am much more able to cope.

Basically, I can live with infrequent scenes, so long as we don't lose contact. I would be very hurt and betrayed if D just vanished from my life except for an occasional booty call. What I'm still not sure of is if I want to play with anyone else. Honestly, I think much will depend on how often D ends up having the need to see me in a D/s context. This is an intoxicating mix, and I don't want to just stop. But, as I kept wrestling with in the first 24 hours, right now I don't want to play with anyone else. I want D, where the trust already exists, where I am more than a body to play with. I also know myself, and if the time between scenes with D stretches out, I'm going to have the need.

I think what I would be most comfortable with is probably continuing to go to local events, maybe play a bit there and get a feel for some others. I get to have breakfast with the adorable qt3141592 from the other place next Saturday, which will be very good. This could turn out to be good for me, in a way, by pushing me a bit further into the local community.

I'm still scared/skeptical that he'll actually call to tell me when we can get together, but I'm trying to be fair. If he does, that will go a long way towards helping me feel like I can find an equilibrium.

1 comment:

WistfulWench said...

You are in my thoughts, sweetie. I know this is hard and there are no easy answers for you.

Sending you lots of hugs!