Longing for catharsis, for release

As I put it to a friend the other day, my job has thrown up all over me. I'm the office manager for an insurance agency. I handle everything from daily admin stuff to training the new agents on all our systems. I've been at this job for almost a year and a half, and I love it. There is always something new to do, I get to teach people, but the biggest reason my job is great has been my boss. She's fantastic to work with.

For starters, that statement "to work with" is very true. I haven't worked for her, I've worked with her. Not only does she trust me to do my job, she listens to me about the rest of the agency as well. I've been an integral part of a lot of key decisions, and that is something I thrive on. She's also become a friend. I go to lunch with my boss probably twice a week (and we go dutch!) because I like to. We've gone shopping together -- she helped me pick out my latest pair of summer shoes for the office and the toenail polish color that went with them. :D

However, this job has been hell for her. Not only has she not received the support she needs from her manager, but he's actively undermined her authority within the agency regularly. Our district director is a classic case of a Dilbert manager -- he's certainly been promoted to the level of his incompetence. She actually developed shingles this winter from the stress. So she's leaving. She got a fantastic offer to move back to Colorado and become an agent again.

I'm thrilled for her. She will be closer to her family, back in the church and the social circle she loves. But god is my life going to suck at work this summer. I probably won't have a new manager until September at the earliest. That throws a whole new set of responsibilities on my shoulders.

I have two new agents who started on Monday. The first 3 months of training are crucial to the success of a new agent. As my boss keeps telling me, I am not the manager, I'm not getting paid to be the manager. But I still would never forgive myself if either of these guys fails because I didn't train him properly. I can see the problems our other agents are having because their training was half-assed and unplanned.

Apparently we may be hiring another new agent after my manager leaves. She's a great candidate and I think she'll be an excellent addition to the agency. But that's another one I'll be responsible for getting her off on the right path.

Fortunately, it looks like the other boulder that was going to come crashing down on me isn't going to happen. We came this close to losing one of our biggest agents. He was threatening to go to a competing agency that is well known for their highly predatory tactics in going after clients. He's also in a small town about 30 miles north of our office. One of the new agents is planning to be based out of that town (he was hired to take over when this agent retires in a few years). So suddenly I was looking at having to force train a new agent, find him an office, supervise the build-out, find him an assistant (or two), figure out how to make sure the company pays for them, and train the assistants. I get a headache just thinking about it.

So aside from needing to vent all of this, where is the catharsis and release content? Because oh god do I crave the peace that comes when I kneel and await Sir's pleasure. I need to let go, to give up all control, to know my place and how to fulfill my purpose. I also have a rapidly building need for a shattering catharsis, to release all of this. It's enough to make me almost hope that Sir's plans for Saturday evening don't work out. I'm becoming subsumed in this longing and need.