Well, I screwed up my courage and I asked if he was avoiding himself or me. I was not expecting the answer I got. Basically, his energies are becoming much focused on his AA work and progress. He's been sober for 5 years, and it has been a long hard road to get there. It is one of the things I admire greatly about him. He is very open about this. He was very clear that this had nothing to do with me or my service to him. BDSM just isn't where his head is at right now.
He isn't rejecting BDSM by any means. He is fully aware that this is part of him and it is going to need expression from time to time. He just doesn't see it happening regularly anymore. So, if he wants to hang out or if he wants to play, he'll give me a call. He understands that this is new and very important to me. If I want a more consistent, steady Master, he certainly understands.
At the moment, my heart feels very torn. This is an odd sort of limbo to be in. I haven't been "released" -- I was never collared or owned in the first place. I haven't even been dumped. It just isn't something he wants to do right now. I need to figure out what I need and want now. Well, I know what I want. I want to serve him; not anyone, just him. I also know that I can't have what I want. I don't know what to do. My instinct at the moment is to just tell him I'll take what I can get from him. I am also bitterly and deeply cynical about if I'll ever hear from him again. Which probably isn't fair to him, but my last relationship ended on a supposedly friendly note and almost no contact for the last 5 months.
All those fears and nightmares and worries about having to decide if I could trust anyone else that much? Not bogeymen of my own imagining. Suddenly, I am faced with the situation I have feared and dreaded for months. My brain is in a whirl right now. I'm crying randomly. My head hurts. My heart aches. One minute I'm rehearsing how to go to the next local event, the next I'm suddenly struck that I'll never get to go to a playparty as his. I want to hide, to cry, to mourn, to just get off the fucking merry go round. Instead I need to go change out of work clothes, finish cleaning the house and get ready to host knitting group tonight. Joy.
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2 comments:
Oh god, kneeling, I'm so very sorry it's turned out like this. I wish there were something I could say, but all I can think of is 'my heart goes out to you.'
One thing I do understand is the whole putting yourself out there, trusting, and then having it not quite be what you'd hoped for.
I do know, from reading you, that you are a strong woman, and this too shall pass. I wish you the very, very best.
Thank you spring -- know that you are reading and listening and caring helps. I thank you especially for the reinforcement that I'll make it through this. I may not want to at the moment, but I will.
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