It's not been a good weekend. I'm losing the battle against my insecurities. I can't seem to redirect my brain from rehearsing the end. It's not fair to Sir. It's been a whopping 4 days since I heard from him ( to say that the schedule was looking crowded for this weekend). I just wish I could shake this conviction that for some reason, he's tired of me or at least of trying to make this D/s thing work when I have a primary relationship.
Currently, I'm trying to hold to a decision to not contact Sir. He's heard from me a couple of times trying to schedule things (which he has explicitly said he would like me to do, as it my relationship with L that requires that things be scheduled at least 24 hours in advance). I sent him a quick offline message this morning stating that I was looking forward to serving him again. I dislike setting up "tests" for relationships, but I also need to know that he does want to see me.
If I get to two full weeks without contact, then I think it will be time to find out if things truly are over. I hate myself for planning this, but I can't stand the limbo anymore.
I'm still trying to focus on serving him again and on honoring the bond between us, but I'm getting very afraid. I'm starting to dream-rehearse things too, which is never a good sign.
I'm also strongly debating breaking my contact deadline and trying to talk to him and tell him how much this bothers me. He's just not online much anymore, and that is good because it means he's getting out and not being a hermit anymore. It also means that our primary means of communication doesn't work so well.
Sorry for the whining, but I needed to do it somewhere.
4 comments:
I'm listening.
Thank you, fella. It helps to know that. :)
That's the worst thing for my insecurities too -- the lack of contact. I just don't, and probably never will, understand why it's so hard for someone to pop off a quick email, even something that just says 'thinking of you.' I went through the same thing recently too, but we don't have the longevity of your relationship yet.
I don't know if they do it on purpose i.e. they are testing us, or if it truly doesn't occur to them that a few simple words can mean the world and that nothing can send us nosediving into depression more quickly than non-communication.
Kneeling, my heart is going out to you.... This is so hard!
Don't give up yet.... There could be good reasons for him not contacting you, you know? It is something you need to tell him about, though. He may not realize just how deeply you need those reminders from him.
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