Trying to keep myself in check

I so wish that I was better able to keep myself on an even emotional keel. I have no idea when I will see Sir next. I have at least spoken to him via IM this morning, which I thought would help. Yet it kind of upped the feeling of limbo. Our last session was a bit last-minute and neither of us was really in the right space. My body completely failed to cooperate -- my ass wasn't clean and then I was spotting. I puked when Sir was face-fucking me. I did at least manage to be of service in helping him cum, which is difficult while he adjusts to his new medication. I can't stop thinking that I just don't please him anymore. Three sessions in a row where he wasn't able to do some of his favorite things.

It's so hard for me to believe and understand that I am desireable, that someone else sees me as sexy, that someone wants to have sex with me, and not just because I'm there and convenient. I'm afraid I've stopped being convenient and now I'm not any fun anymore. My brain really likes to rehearse things many many times in advance. I wish I could get it to stop rehearsing how I'll learn that it is over, that if I want to continue to serve in this way I must find someone else I trust that much. Because objectively, if I look at it, there is no concrete reason to believe this. He specifically told me last time that he was not upset with me, he held me so close and so wonderfully. He's told me that he tends to be spontaneous, that it is hard for him to adjust to have to schedule time with me in advance. I'm learning how much I had leaned on knowing when I would be used next, usually within a few days.

I feel like such a whiny baby, complaining like this. I'm an adult. I should be able to suck it up and deal with this. I'm swinging so far between determination to keep thinking that things are fine, to keep thinking about a public flogging on Wednesday (he hasn't said we're NOT going ...), and thinking that I'm going to have to go get my cake taker before the Tupperware party. Why can't I make my brain/my heart/this damn gerbil running on a wheel in my head see reason? Why do I twist myself up inside, make L miserable, waste so much energy worrying about something I have very little control over?

I just want something to reassure me that he still wants me to serve him, that he does want to use me as I crave to used. I worry that I'm getting clingy and annoying, yet I feel as if I'll split in two if I don't KNOW one way or the other soon. What I want more than anything is to sit at his feet, hug his leg, feel him pet my hair, and let the music wash over me. To know that here I am free to be all of me, here it is safe to be the whore he names me. To simply wait for the next way I can please him.