So, as I posted on the other place, I watched The Secretary earlier this week. I liked it as a movie, and god did it make me hot. It also nearly brought me to tears. When Lee (the female lead) looked at Edward and said "I love you" with all that rawness, my heart stopped. One of the things I've been trying hard to come to terms with about my relationship with Sir is that it's never going to quite be what it could.
For those who missed my very first posts in the other place, I'm in a polyamorous relationship. I have a partner, L, who I love with all my heart. Our 14th anniversary is the 19th. I cannot imagine my life without her. She is very aware of my relationship with Sir (and my previous relationships) and more importantly, she's okay with that. We've pretty much come to terms with how we do poly. Obviously, Sir is aware of L, and they've met (now THAT was an interesting dinner!).
Sir seems okay with this poly thing. However, he's pretty open on his profile that he's looking for a long-term, full-time submissive. I can't be that. If I didn't have L, I think there would at least be a possibility. But I don't even want to give up L. To be very clear, Sir has never even implied that I should. If anything, he is more protective of my relationship with L. His respect for that is one of the reasons I can trust him as fully as I do.
Today I read that one of my favorite bloggers over there has been collared. Underneath my joy for her was sadness/wistfulness. It is highly unlikely that I will ever have the honor of wearing Sir's collar. I've kind of hinted at the subject a couple of times. Sir has been pretty clear that to him, collaring and using "Master" are a very personal ownership thing, and he doesn't think that's appropriate to our situation.
When I sit down and think about it, it doesn't really change anything. Whether I wear something around my neck or not, I still trust Sir, fully and still strive to submit to him as fully as I can. Objectively, logically, rationally, I'm okay with this. But every once in a while ... oh I long to know what it feels like to have him claim me like that.
So what does this have to do with that scene from The Secretary? It's far to early to really be able to say it, but I don't really even dare dream it. Deep in my secret heart, I want to hope that someday I could say the same to him.
1 comment:
I completely understand your need, and your pain. Knowing that what you have is something that is so precious, you cannot give it up. Even when you know that it will never fill all those holes in your heart....
Sending you a really big hug to let you know I understand exactly how you feel....
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