Monday, April 24, 2006

A sharply lovely afternoon

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Friday, April 21, 2006

Tagged!

Well, I was tagged by Spring, so here is my list of 10 things I'm happy/thankful to have.

  1. L, my love, my partner, my life. Wednesday was our 14th anniversary. It's been a long hard road to get here sometimes, but it was all worth it. I'm especially thankful that she is willing to push herself outside her comfort zone to allow me to explore this lifestyle.
  2. Sir. I am honestly amazed and a wee bit scared at my luck in finding him. To have such an amazing man, who I can trust so thoroughly, be the very first message I get when I set up my profiles, is just not how the game is supposed to work! Not that I'm complaining! He pushes me, cares for me, tells me how he feels, and tells me what he likes. These are all things I need so very much.
  3. To have so many people I truly consider my friends that I just haven't had a chance to meet yet, all the bloggers that I read, both here and on alt. I've come to care very much for all of you, and learned so much too!
  4. The most adorable nieces and nephew on the planet, who consistently provide me with hysterically funny stories to bore others with.
  5. My job. I have a fantastic boss, who appreciates all that I do and tells me so regularly. She makes it obvious that what I do makes a difference in our office, and I value that.
  6. This may seem weird, but our house. It is so nice to have a house that works for how we live our life. I have a room I get to call "the library" (okay it's also a guest room)! We just spent most of the winter putting in new floors and doing all the work that cascades from that. It looks beautiful and makes me happy every time I walk in the door.
  7. My puppies. Okay, the youngest is going to be 10 soon, but my pets are such lifelines to me sometimes. They may drive me nuts (in, out, in, out, in, out), but they cuddle with me, give kisses, and even let me stick my ice cold toes under them. pssst -- don't tell Shiva she's actually a cat!
  8. The rest of my friends. Even though H has moved half way across the country, we still talk whenever we can. B makes me laugh all the time, and M listens to me when I need to whine. The M2 is wonderfully snuggly and affectionate and makes me giggle. I do miss A, but hopefully soon that harpy he's dating will go nuts again and I'll have my friend back.
  9. The right to raise my voice in protest, the responsibility to communicate with my representatives in government, the ability to do something, no matter how small.
  10. My books. I would go stark raving mad without my books.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Ask and you shall receive

Fortunately, I was able to talk to him online last night and got some clarification. The one thing I desperately needed to hear and heard was that yes, we are definitely more than casual play partners. On the balance side, he needs to draw a line at much more emotional involvement than we have now. I think this is more as a protection for himself, and that is certainly something I can respect.

I think that for him, taking things further to collaring and/or more of an everyday relationship involves more control when I'm not with him. To Sir, that's interfering with my primary relationship with L. One of the things I value highly about Sir is that he has a deep respect that L truly comes first in my life. Knowing that I'm not going to end up pushed to sideline her makes it much easier for me to let go and trust him. This is a very very good thing.

I'm feeling a bit bittersweet still. It is so good to know explicitly that this intensity of emotions is not one-sided. Yet, I've had it confirmed once again that I will never be able to wear his collar, that he will never consider me truly his. As I was rather fond of saying to a friend of mine, "welcome to the HARD part of poly." Learning to walk that line and understand that you won't be able to have everything you want in a relationship has not been easy for me.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Finding a Balance

I think we're in some kind of odd limbo right now. I trust him so completely, and I feel like he trusts me as well. When we scene, it's so intense, so intimate, so connected. Yet we haven't really been talking nearly as much as we did for a bit. He's said I'm free to ask him about anything, and he's never even hesitated to answer me.

There is so much I want to know about him. What exactly played out in Guatemala? He uprooted his whole life to go. How has that affected what he's looking for now? Some of it is deeply personal, almost peering into his soul. Yet, I don't know if I truly have that right. If we're just play partners, then I would never feel I had that right. But I know it's more than just play partners to me. What am I to him? What does he want out of this? These aren't questions most people are used to having to answer.

I guess it's one of the good/bad things about being poly. To really make poly work, you have to be able to articulate with a fair amount of clarity what you want from a relationship. I've done reasonably well with being sure to state that things may change, and I always promise to communicated that change with as much notice as possible. That's a lesson I learned the hard way.

But I don't think he's poly at heart. He's always been up front that he is still looking for a long-term relationship, for someone to serve him full-time. I can't be that; really, I don't want to go through what it would take to be that. I think that if something terrible happened to pull L out of my life, he and I could make a pretty good go at it. But I'm not ever going to find out.

With him certainly not having a lot of poly experience, we never really defined if things would ever go beyond play partners. So now I'm trying to sort out if it's just me feeling insecure, or if I really do need to poke and see where things are at right now. It's been all of four months. Is that too soon?

The intensity level of BDSM is so high; how could I trust someone that completely and not end up with feelings for him? What I don't know is if he can feel this intensity and have it still be just play. The last few weeks, the intensity of play has been there, but afterwards, it's been much more of a pull-back. There are good, logical reasons for it. He needed to call his mom before she went to bed one week. The next, he'd spent the day before dealing with his mom's hip replacement surgery and was exhausted. This last week, he's just started the early shift. He was up at 4:30 am to get to work by 5:30 am. Of course he was exhausted.

Add to this the fact that my schedule is nuts this week, and I haven't seen him online. Then add this lovely monthly hormonal stew. What have you got? A recipe for one seriously insecure woman. Sigh. I thought I was doing so much better. I'm sure he's enjoying our scenes. God how I love that he makes that so obvious. But before, I could also cling to the way he held me, the way we talked, the bits of himself that were revealed.

I think, having gotten all of this out, that I am going to have to check in. At least to make sure that the pull back is just that he's got so much going on in his life, that it isn't something I've done to make him less comfortable.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A love/hate relationship ... with a rubberband!

For once, I was right on time as I climbed the stairs. Locking each of those doors behind me is like locking the world outside. Somehow, each door takes me that much deeper into my submission to Sir. I love that.

I received a new inspection once I arrived in Sir's living room, but I think I passed. His cat is visiting for a few weeks, and I was promptly greeted. :D Then Sir arrived; the feel of his hand petting my hair makes me melt every time, no matter the context.

I really need to find some new ways to rhapsodize about sucking Sir's cock, because I'm sure I'm going to bore everyone (even him) if I keep up with the same stuff. But truly, it's one of my favorite ways to serve him. It's just such fun! The feel of him in my mouth, the play of control as he lets me fuck my own throat or he does it his own way ... god I love it. Not to mention he tastes SO good.

One thing I didn't expect that I would enjoy so intensely is waiting for Sir's permission to cum. This time Sir decided it would be fun to notice just how long he was fucking my ass. I'm rather pleased with myself that I managed the entire 20 minutes without cumming! Oh my, it was work though! I think Sir was testing me a bit, because he'd go so deep, or play with my nipples, or just really fuck me hard for a while. I had to really focus to keep myself under control. But while I'm trying so hard not to cum, I get to experience everything that takes me to the brink for so much longer. That's a lot more fun than I was expecting!

I love how getting my ass fucked seems to make me feel extra nasty and slutty. Just that extra little bit adds so much to how submissive I feel. To me, it's fascinating to think about the contrast. I've worked very hard to move beyond the sheltered and repressed way I was raised, yet is those same feelings/values/views that add to my enjoyment of being his whore.

Then it was time for the needles. Sir had asked me to get three specific colors of ribbons, because he had something specific in mind. I was a bit surprised when he had me lay down on my front. The needles were going in my back this time!

Needles in my back actually hurt going in. Once they were in, it wasn't bad, but zouch! I think there were a few too many variables to be sure why, but this time didn't have quite the same intensity as the first. I still enjoyed it lots, and there definitely was still a rush, but it wasn't quite the same. Sir didn't quite manage the effect he was looking for with the ribbons, so we'll have to try that again.

However, the ribbons sliding across my back, especially the small of my back, now that made me very shivery. Sir liked that effect, so once we were done with that try at the ribbons, he played with me, making me shiver and shake. Then he got delightfully evil and got out the vibe. Oh my god, cumming that hard with 18 needles in my back ... now THAT was an experience! Mars is lovely this time of year! ;)

One of the things I love about Sir is how spontaneous and playful he can be. Not that this keeps him from being the sadistic pervert I adore, mind you! After I'd floated down from the needles, Sir suddenly grabbed a large rubber band. Originally he was going to try putting around my tits, but that didn't work the way he wanted it. So he started snapping the rubber band at my tits. Wow that's quite a bit of sting, but I did like it.

Then Sir got EVIL. He moved down between my legs and started really snapping the rubberband at my pussy! Holy moly that was some intense sting! I could not keep from crying out with every shot, and soon I couldn't really even hold still. It didn't take long before I was actually crying a bit; that's a first for me in the context of a scene. I'm very proud of myself that even when I couldn't be still, I always put myself right back where Sir had me.

I've caught myself a couple of times in our last few scenes feeling slightly whiny and resentful when my limits are being pushed. Generally this is something where it's a pain that's hard for me to absorb or to turn into pleasure. I am pleased that I'm pretty easily able to remind myself that Sir's pleasure comes first. Knowing how much he's enjoying whatever is pushing me makes it much easier to keep myself focused and okay.

That rubberband may have really pushed me, but god it made me so wet too! Once Sir started with his fingers, it didn't take long at all before I wanted to cum SO badly. I'm still amazed sometimes by my response to pain like that. I had no idea I'd like it that much!