Being able to sit at his feet again, listening to the music and just talking. Making dinner for him, and cleaning up the kitchen with him. Something has finally convinced him to let me help, at least a little bit. I stopped by to see him yesterday on my way to work at the State Fair. I barely stayed an hour, but oh it made me happy to just sit and pet him.
Tonight, I went over and taught him how to make my tuna pasta salad. Again, I was only there for a couple of hours, but now, I'm feeling much more at peace with where things are at. I no longer fear that he'll drift out of my life. It hasn't been an easy summer, but I made it. Now, I have hope that we've made it too.
The energy for the overt D/s dynamic isn't there right now, but honestly, I'm okay with that. I can believe that when the time is right, that will return too.
It is so reassuring to know that this time, my heart and my intuition were right. These feelings, this connection, they were not just in my imagination. Tonight, as I sat at his feet, my head on his knee, inhaling the scent of him again, I nearly cried with joy. My heart feels whole again.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Friday night
I'm not sure what prompted him to finally poke a toe out of his cave, but I got to see D for dinner last night. It was so good just to see him and to reassure myself that he was okay. I was also very reassured that he actually did call me and did make the time to see me. In many ways, it was a fabulous evening. We had a chance to just chat, shared injury stories (goes with the territory these days!), and just be together.
I'll confess I did still follow all the rules about seeing him -- freshly shaved, never closing my legs, pretty panties. I even wore a skirt he'd complimented me on. I didn't have any expectations that anything would happen. To me, it was an expression of hope. He has not rescinded the rules. He has not said he will not dominate me again. Heck, I still automatically handed him the keys to drive my car when we ran out to the store quickly.
I'm calmer now that he isn't going to just drift out of my life, and I'm feeling more certain that he wants me in his life (as much as he wants anyone right now). It still drives me crazy that he won't let me in enough to help, but I also understand that's his call to make.
One small sentence stabbed deeply, though. We got back from the store, and he said it was time for him to go up. I asked if he wanted some company, and he declined, saying it was time for his "Friday night thing." Of course I didn't argue, but my heart was saying, "I used to be your 'Friday night thing.'" Dear gods I miss that.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. My brain kept whirling and whirling and whirling on what to do, how to go forward, what could I cope with. Right now, I don't feel like I could truly submit to anyone else. I could play, I could bottom, that I'm sure of. But that searing intensity, that incredible openness, that is his alone. My submission is so tangled in my feelings for him. The ironic thing was that when this all began, I was worried about being able to cope with someone I had no intention of getting emotionally involved with. Last night, I got smacked in the head with the fact that like it or not, I've fallen in love with him.
I've got the beginnings of a plan in my head. I think I'm going to email him and ask him about being my safe call when I finally meet up with M (his plans were derailed by a giant fight with his ex when he dropped his daughter off). I'm going to make it clear that I don't want to need to play with someone else. If nothing else, I've promised M I'll meet him. I'll keep my promise, but I think he's looking for more than just a bottom. That is all I have to give right now.
He mentioned that this hermit phase is a pattern for him, so I'm hoping that if I hang on and wait out the football season, maybe things will change. It's not like I have to do anything else.
I'll confess I did still follow all the rules about seeing him -- freshly shaved, never closing my legs, pretty panties. I even wore a skirt he'd complimented me on. I didn't have any expectations that anything would happen. To me, it was an expression of hope. He has not rescinded the rules. He has not said he will not dominate me again. Heck, I still automatically handed him the keys to drive my car when we ran out to the store quickly.
I'm calmer now that he isn't going to just drift out of my life, and I'm feeling more certain that he wants me in his life (as much as he wants anyone right now). It still drives me crazy that he won't let me in enough to help, but I also understand that's his call to make.
One small sentence stabbed deeply, though. We got back from the store, and he said it was time for him to go up. I asked if he wanted some company, and he declined, saying it was time for his "Friday night thing." Of course I didn't argue, but my heart was saying, "I used to be your 'Friday night thing.'" Dear gods I miss that.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. My brain kept whirling and whirling and whirling on what to do, how to go forward, what could I cope with. Right now, I don't feel like I could truly submit to anyone else. I could play, I could bottom, that I'm sure of. But that searing intensity, that incredible openness, that is his alone. My submission is so tangled in my feelings for him. The ironic thing was that when this all began, I was worried about being able to cope with someone I had no intention of getting emotionally involved with. Last night, I got smacked in the head with the fact that like it or not, I've fallen in love with him.
I've got the beginnings of a plan in my head. I think I'm going to email him and ask him about being my safe call when I finally meet up with M (his plans were derailed by a giant fight with his ex when he dropped his daughter off). I'm going to make it clear that I don't want to need to play with someone else. If nothing else, I've promised M I'll meet him. I'll keep my promise, but I think he's looking for more than just a bottom. That is all I have to give right now.
He mentioned that this hermit phase is a pattern for him, so I'm hoping that if I hang on and wait out the football season, maybe things will change. It's not like I have to do anything else.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Worrying
Getting an email to tell me that he's back at work today after passing out at his desk on Tuesday and being hospitalized made me worry. Turning his phone off after that? Makes me antsy-worried. He may well find me on his doorstep tonight, whether he likes it or not.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Ambivalence
I can tell I'm doing much better these days -- my brain is back. That's mostly good. The bad part is that my refuge from limbo is gone. We've talked on the phone a couple of times. I sent him an email that I thought was rather clear, specifically asking if he still wanted me in his life at least a friend. He was clear in return, telling me I was his friend and sharer of "deep dark fun." :)
But ... he's obviously still in his hermit phase. He's not answering his phone. I've tried to get together several times just to hang out, but there's no response to that. I'm very proud of the fact that I believe him when he says that this isn't about me, that it is in his head. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't see him, even for a bit to reassure myself that he does want me around, that someday he'll come back.
Friday I just kind of lost it. On the way home from work and for bit afterwards, I just wept. My body is healing rapidly, and my desires are coming back. If I knew that on some specific date, we would at least see each other, hopefully to play again, I think I could live. But this limbo stretches unendingly in front of me. What if he's still hiding when football season is over? How long can I hang here, waiting, wondering, hoping, unknowing?
That night, something kind of snapped in me. I ended up chatting with a very nice guy (M). He'd read my profile! He was interested in reading my blog. He could use the English language with proficiency. He's single, so there was none of that "discreet relationship" crap. We talked for hours. He got a good chunk of the story of this summer, and he listened to it and seemed to understand.
So today I sit here filled with conflicting feelings. I'm going to have a late lunch/coffee with M this afternoon. I've got that familiar mix of excitement, nervousness, craving filling me. But a significant part of me wants to just curl up in the corner and weep again. This is NOT what I want. I want him, the only man I've ever called Sir. The man I would dearly love to be allowed to call my Master. Yet I respect him for recognizing that he's not in that place right now.
If only I could go to him, DO something, little things to at least make his life easier or cheer him a bit. But he won't let me.
When he sent me the email that shattered my world, he specifically stated that he would understand if I needed someone who would be around more. In our last phone call, he reminded me that he would always be my safe call if I needed one. Yet he's not. Because he didn't answer his phone this afternoon, so I couldn't ask him.
Gods, I would give nearly anything just to kneel again to wait for him. Instead I'm going to take my courage in both hands and see if maybe I can try again. But I don't want to.
But ... he's obviously still in his hermit phase. He's not answering his phone. I've tried to get together several times just to hang out, but there's no response to that. I'm very proud of the fact that I believe him when he says that this isn't about me, that it is in his head. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't see him, even for a bit to reassure myself that he does want me around, that someday he'll come back.
Friday I just kind of lost it. On the way home from work and for bit afterwards, I just wept. My body is healing rapidly, and my desires are coming back. If I knew that on some specific date, we would at least see each other, hopefully to play again, I think I could live. But this limbo stretches unendingly in front of me. What if he's still hiding when football season is over? How long can I hang here, waiting, wondering, hoping, unknowing?
That night, something kind of snapped in me. I ended up chatting with a very nice guy (M). He'd read my profile! He was interested in reading my blog. He could use the English language with proficiency. He's single, so there was none of that "discreet relationship" crap. We talked for hours. He got a good chunk of the story of this summer, and he listened to it and seemed to understand.
So today I sit here filled with conflicting feelings. I'm going to have a late lunch/coffee with M this afternoon. I've got that familiar mix of excitement, nervousness, craving filling me. But a significant part of me wants to just curl up in the corner and weep again. This is NOT what I want. I want him, the only man I've ever called Sir. The man I would dearly love to be allowed to call my Master. Yet I respect him for recognizing that he's not in that place right now.
If only I could go to him, DO something, little things to at least make his life easier or cheer him a bit. But he won't let me.
When he sent me the email that shattered my world, he specifically stated that he would understand if I needed someone who would be around more. In our last phone call, he reminded me that he would always be my safe call if I needed one. Yet he's not. Because he didn't answer his phone this afternoon, so I couldn't ask him.
Gods, I would give nearly anything just to kneel again to wait for him. Instead I'm going to take my courage in both hands and see if maybe I can try again. But I don't want to.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Random pondering
Well, I'm definitely getting better. I went back to work 2 weeks ago. That's been hard, but I've managed to start digging myself out. Motivation is difficult too; it's hard to believe I'll ever catch up. The lack of a on-site manager who knows what's going on isn't helping either.
I haven't talked much about this here, but I help run a convention about anime (a Japanese style of animation) here in the Midwest. It was last weekend. I keep swearing that one of these years I'm going to take a break (maybe 2008 since I've already volunteered to do it again next year). The hotel was ... interesting. In the Chinese sense. Nothing like losing 1 of 4 elevators in a 16-floor hotel with 1700+ people there, much less by 4 pm on Friday! I'm still exhausted, but it seems that almost all attendees had a great time and didn't notice all the snafus behind the scenes. Honestly, that makes it all worth it.
I've exchanged a few emails with Sir and things have settled a bit. We're still friends, we may still play, he does still want me in his life. For me, that's settled quite a bit in my mind. Now, I can honestly believe that it isn't me he's trying to get away from. Now, I don't need to doubt myself for trusting him so. If his life changed, it changed. He didn't exactly go looking for it, but it happened. If nothing else, I haven't lost the dear friend I've found.
Being this helpless has really made me think though. It was profoundly disturbing those first few weeks. There was very little I could do for myself, much less anyone else. I'm not used to that. It is just my nature to be doing for those around me. Even the little things I was physically able to do, I regularly forgot, thanks to the drugs I was on. Being able to do things for others has made me even happier than being able to do things for myself. Although there was an amazing bliss in being able to wash myself for the first time! I'm still trying to sort what, if anything, this tells me about my desire to submit.
For the first time in my life, I've been forbidden to even play with myself. To quote my orthopedist, "large muscle contractions are not your friend these days." This has been VERY difficult for me! I actually haven't quite been able to follow the rules, but I've been careful to keep things low key. I can tell I'm feeling much better, though. I'm getting more and more horny and antsy and did I mention horny? Sadly, L is terrified that she'll end up hurting me somehow. *sigh* Thank GOD I go to the doctor tomorrow!
I'm getting very stir-crazy too. I'm not allowed to drive, and I'm tired of only going places someone else wants to go. If I could have, I'd probably have shown up on Sir's doorstep with dinner and a Netflix by now. I'm just not willing to ask L to take her time to drive me to his place or to any of the local events. She's not interested in them, so why drag her out of the house, when she'll only have to come back to pick me up?
It's hard to be patient and to realize that it's likely to be October before I'm really ready for anything like the kind of play I could handle before I fell. My right shoulder is a total disaster that is going to take a long time to put back together. I have no idea how long it will before I can manage something simple like being on hands and knees. I know that anyone with a scrap of creativity can find plenty of deliciously evil ways to play despite that. But what I'm longing for is the familiar. To be sent to the towel spread at the end of his bed to get into "my" position of hand and knees, knees spread wide, weight on my elbows. To lean against the wall, awaiting the flogger. Someday ....
Well, I've whined enough and L is home from stitch-n-bitch. Hopefully you'll start seeing me around more and commenting more again.
I haven't talked much about this here, but I help run a convention about anime (a Japanese style of animation) here in the Midwest. It was last weekend. I keep swearing that one of these years I'm going to take a break (maybe 2008 since I've already volunteered to do it again next year). The hotel was ... interesting. In the Chinese sense. Nothing like losing 1 of 4 elevators in a 16-floor hotel with 1700+ people there, much less by 4 pm on Friday! I'm still exhausted, but it seems that almost all attendees had a great time and didn't notice all the snafus behind the scenes. Honestly, that makes it all worth it.
I've exchanged a few emails with Sir and things have settled a bit. We're still friends, we may still play, he does still want me in his life. For me, that's settled quite a bit in my mind. Now, I can honestly believe that it isn't me he's trying to get away from. Now, I don't need to doubt myself for trusting him so. If his life changed, it changed. He didn't exactly go looking for it, but it happened. If nothing else, I haven't lost the dear friend I've found.
Being this helpless has really made me think though. It was profoundly disturbing those first few weeks. There was very little I could do for myself, much less anyone else. I'm not used to that. It is just my nature to be doing for those around me. Even the little things I was physically able to do, I regularly forgot, thanks to the drugs I was on. Being able to do things for others has made me even happier than being able to do things for myself. Although there was an amazing bliss in being able to wash myself for the first time! I'm still trying to sort what, if anything, this tells me about my desire to submit.
For the first time in my life, I've been forbidden to even play with myself. To quote my orthopedist, "large muscle contractions are not your friend these days." This has been VERY difficult for me! I actually haven't quite been able to follow the rules, but I've been careful to keep things low key. I can tell I'm feeling much better, though. I'm getting more and more horny and antsy and did I mention horny? Sadly, L is terrified that she'll end up hurting me somehow. *sigh* Thank GOD I go to the doctor tomorrow!
I'm getting very stir-crazy too. I'm not allowed to drive, and I'm tired of only going places someone else wants to go. If I could have, I'd probably have shown up on Sir's doorstep with dinner and a Netflix by now. I'm just not willing to ask L to take her time to drive me to his place or to any of the local events. She's not interested in them, so why drag her out of the house, when she'll only have to come back to pick me up?
It's hard to be patient and to realize that it's likely to be October before I'm really ready for anything like the kind of play I could handle before I fell. My right shoulder is a total disaster that is going to take a long time to put back together. I have no idea how long it will before I can manage something simple like being on hands and knees. I know that anyone with a scrap of creativity can find plenty of deliciously evil ways to play despite that. But what I'm longing for is the familiar. To be sent to the towel spread at the end of his bed to get into "my" position of hand and knees, knees spread wide, weight on my elbows. To lean against the wall, awaiting the flogger. Someday ....
Well, I've whined enough and L is home from stitch-n-bitch. Hopefully you'll start seeing me around more and commenting more again.
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