Finally

Oh how I had missed Sir! I was finally able to see him on Sunday. I was so happy I was almost shaking as I knelt waiting for him. It's also very nice to know that there are people who understand how right everything was in my world when his cock was down my throat before I even said hello. I was such a tangle of emotions: so very happy, a bit relieved that I hadn't somehow gotten out of practice in serving him, turned on like crazy, but most of all, just slipping into that peace of serving him, of bringing him pleasure.

As I'm sure most of you reading here can tell, being apart from Sir sent me into my own funk as well. While Sir did his best to make sure I understood that he was just working through some things and they had nothing to do with me, it's very hard for part of my brain to avoid becoming convinced that everything is over. I did better at managing the emotional roller coaster this time (thank you again, Fella!), but it wasn't always easy. This had shown in little ways -- I couldn't summon up the energy to do some of the grooming things I did regularly when I saw Sir every week. Being firmly convinced that a little retail therapy is always good, I decided to splurge and get a Brazilian wax.

Ooooh my that was so worth it! It hurt lots while she was doing it, but I'm not going back to shaving, that's for sure! I also got all silly because I knew Sir would like it too. I was originally going to surprise him with it, but I just couldn't wait and spilled the beans. He teased me that I was going to get wet, given my usual pain response. It was such fun to get a text message from him in the middle of the waxing session asking if I was wet! The woman doing it didn't seem to notice that it did, but she did comment on my excellent pain management skills. I had to scramble to come up with a reason I knew all about breathing to manage pain, since I don't have kids. :)

I was up early. I hadn't though about how not having to shave so carefully was going to make my preparations faster, so I was ready quite early. I logged into IM just to pass the time and Sir was online -- once I told him I was ready, he said to come early, as the heat was getting intense already. I was practically bouncing as I drove. Sir hadn't allowed me to cum since L left town and I was wound up!

Once I arrived, it was so good to fall back into that ritual of locking the doors behind me, stripping, and kneeling. When I was on my knees, waiting for him, there was this wave of relief so strong I nearly cried. I realized how afraid I'd been that I would never kneel there again, waiting to please Sir. I was back and I was filled with joy to be there.

"Welcome back, whore." With a caress to my hair, his cock was in my mouth. This was where I wanted, needed to be. Filled with him, with his scent, bringing him pleasure. All was right in my world again.

The hand on my back, sending me to the floor to check out the waxing job. I wanted to pout when he discovered that some had been missed, but he still liked the results. I was certainly wet already! Then he was sliding into my cunt, filling me, and I wanted to cry and cum all at the same time. Just a taste, and Sir decided I was just a bit too keyed up. In went the ball gag and on went the nipple clamps; at least the clamps were only the tweezer kind, but they still felt so good. After a few slaps to my tits and even a bit on my face, it was off to the bed.

Sir alternated between fucking me and flogging me and it was so good. I was glad for the gag, as I really had to work not to make lots of noise. Trying not to cum as he fucked my cunt was so hard, but I reveled in it. It was warm, so the flogger would stick to my skin sometimes, but I liked the tug on my skin as Sir pulled the flogger off. At first, Sir used the light suede flogger, nice and stingy. Eventually he got out one of the heavier ones and oooh I loved that.

When Sir began fucking my ass, I was very grateful for all the lube he'd used. I was a bit worried that since it had been a while, it would be rather painful again, but it was just right. Getting flogged and fucked at the same time? Mmm that was fun!

Every time Sir's hands reached forward, I knew I was going to have to work even harder to avoid cumming without permission. He would reach forward and play with my clamped nipples. Thank goodness he'd already given me permission to cum when he took the clamps off!

Sir takes such good care of me -- he made sure he got me lots of water to keep me hydrated. He was getting uncomfortably hot in the bedroom, so we moved to the living room couch for some more fun. I like that couch! It seems to be comfortable for Sir, and it's quite comfortable for me to be on my knees and using my mouth to please him. I loved doing that -- it is such a comfortable angle to take all of him, or I can do lots of other things he enjoys.

It was a fairly light and brief time, as the heat was really getting to Sir and was even starting to get to me. So we installed the new AC unit I found him and went to have a fabulous lunch. If you are in the Twin Cities area, I highly recommend Maria's Cafe in the Ancient Traders Market on Franklin. Fantastic Columbian food and great breakfasts too!

While this may not have been an incredibly intense reunion, it gave me the reconnection with Sir that I desperately needed.

Good struggles

It's amazing how even brief chats two nights in a row lifts my spirits. Just to know that he makes the effort to say hi means so much. I'm more than willing to wait as patiently as I can while he works through this. My own struggles with depression make this empathy all too easy. Of course being me, now the struggle is with knowing there isn't really anything I can do help or to make things better. All I can do is wait and care and hope. To me, that is the hardest part of having someone close to you who is very depressed. No matter how much you would love to take on some of that burden, all you can do is stand by and be supportive to the core of your being.

Write the good stuff too!

In reading this blog, I'm realizing that I only tend to write when I'm very wound up or when it is something Sir has asked me to write. Since I tend to write when I'm insecure or otherwise not feeling positive about how things are going, I'm going to make more of an effort to blog the good times too.

We're approaching a return to good times. I was able to chat with Sir briefly before he had to get to sleep tonight. He's still struggling with his "bad funk"; however, when I offered a simple listening ear, he didn't turn me down. He simply said he wasn't quite ready to talk yet. He is making the effort to communicate, even if it is brief.

Perhaps it is because when I get depressed, I become very withdrawn and try very hard to be self-sufficient, but I am very appreciative of these efforts to communicate. I'm trying to give him the time he needs.

Fellahere, your point about honoring our bond has been very helpful. I've also been working hard at refocusing that rehearsal portion of my brain. I am making a conscious effort to rehearse what I will do when Sir and I play next, not how it will all come crashing down. It is really having an effect on my stability. Thank you!

The Thread Running Underneath It All...

I've noticed that almost every morning as I get ready, or any other time that I'm quiet, running through the back of my head is simply, "please Sir." I'm not entirely sure where it comes from, but I've got some ideas.

Part of it is a simple plea that this amazing journey continue. The intensity, the bond, the trust between us is wonderful. I have a very hard time thinking of how I could come to trust someone else this thoroughly. Knowing that he feels this intensity himself is a lifeline sometimes.

Part of it is my personal demon, my own insecurity. I truly have gained quite a bit of confidence in myself and in my "abilities" through this relationship. Yet, every time I don't hear from him for a few days, or when the schedule doesn't work out, my fears come roaring back. Thus, I hope every day that somehow I won't drive him away.

I had another fit of panic and insecurity last Friday, when I didn't hear from him all day. Sadly, I let that insecurity get the better of me and sent an email and an IM that I regret (especially the IM). I have a bad tendency to get very clingy when I'm insecure. Right now, I'm so afraid that I pushed too far, asked for too much, or somehow just pissed him off.

Logically, there isn't any reason to think that. We had a lovely time at the flogging demo last Wednesday. I had my second public scene (shorter and less intense) and he was very pleased with me. He specifically told me that he was very proud of how far I'd come in less than 5 months.

On the upside, I think I'm getting better at not letting myself get as bad. But it is such a struggle. I had a night of really bad sleep last night. I kept waking up and finding myself going down the short list of people I've been talking to locally, trying to decide if I could bring myself to approach any of them. I even found myself thinking that I really need to get an email off to a wonderful guy who does a lot of the community building here in the Twin Cities. He runs an email list and mentioned that I should get on it. Sir was going to take care of it, but he forgot. My thought process was that this way I at least had a few ties into the local community so I could find someone else if Sir didn't want me anymore.

Bah -- I need to stop worrying about this. Sir would not simply walk away. He would at least tell me if things changed. He has so much going on in his life right now, with both of his parents needing so much time and energy as they recover. This new work schedule is horribly difficult for him and it's really cutting into his sleep.

A sharply lovely afternoon

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Tagged!

Well, I was tagged by Spring, so here is my list of 10 things I'm happy/thankful to have.

1. L, my love, my partner, my life. Wednesday was our 14th anniversary. It's been a long hard road to get here sometimes, but it was all worth it. I'm especially thankful that she is willing to push herself outside her comfort zone to allow me to explore this lifestyle.
   
2. Sir. I am honestly amazed and a wee bit scared at my luck in finding him. To have such an amazing man, who I can trust so thoroughly, be the very first message I get when I set up my profiles, is just not how the game is supposed to work! Not that I'm complaining! He pushes me, cares for me, tells me how he feels, and tells me what he likes. These are all things I need so very much.
   
3. To have so many people I truly consider my friends that I just haven't had a chance to meet yet, all the bloggers that I read, both here and on alt. I've come to care very much for all of you, and learned so much too!
4. The most adorable nieces and nephew on the planet, who consistently provide me with hysterically funny stories to bore others with.
   
5. My job. I have a fantastic boss, who appreciates all that I do and tells me so regularly. She makes it obvious that what I do makes a difference in our office, and I value that.
   
6. This may seem weird, but our house. It is so nice to have a house that works for how we live our life. I have a room I get to call "the library" (okay it's also a guest room)! We just spent most of the winter putting in new floors and doing all the work that cascades from that. It looks beautiful and makes me happy every time I walk in the door.
   
7. My puppies. Okay, the youngest is going to be 10 soon, but my pets are such lifelines to me sometimes. They may drive me nuts (in, out, in, out, in, out), but they cuddle with me, give kisses, and even let me stick my ice cold toes under them. pssst -- don't tell Shiva she's actually a cat!
8. The rest of my friends. Even though H has moved half way across the country, we still talk whenever we can. B makes me laugh all the time, and M listens to me when I need to whine. The M2 is wonderfully snuggly and affectionate and makes me giggle. I do miss A, but hopefully soon that harpy he's dating will go nuts again and I'll have my friend back.
   
9. The right to raise my voice in protest, the responsibility to communicate with my representatives in government, the ability to do something, no matter how small.
   
10. My books. I would go stark raving mad without my books.
    

Ask and you shall receive

Fortunately, I was able to talk to him online last night and got some clarification. The one thing I desperately needed to hear and heard was that yes, we are definitely more than casual play partners. On the balance side, he needs to draw a line at much more emotional involvement than we have now. I think this is more as a protection for himself, and that is certainly something I can respect.

I think that for him, taking things further to collaring and/or more of an everyday relationship involves more control when I'm not with him. To Sir, that's interfering with my primary relationship with L. One of the things I value highly about Sir is that he has a deep respect that L truly comes first in my life. Knowing that I'm not going to end up pushed to sideline her makes it much easier for me to let go and trust him. This is a very very good thing.

I'm feeling a bit bittersweet still. It is so good to know explicitly that this intensity of emotions is not one-sided. Yet, I've had it confirmed once again that I will never be able to wear his collar, that he will never consider me truly his. As I was rather fond of saying to a friend of mine, "welcome to the HARD part of poly." Learning to walk that line and understand that you won't be able to have everything you want in a relationship has not been easy for me.

Finding a Balance

I think we're in some kind of odd limbo right now. I trust him so completely, and I feel like he trusts me as well. When we scene, it's so intense, so intimate, so connected. Yet we haven't really been talking nearly as much as we did for a bit. He's said I'm free to ask him about anything, and he's never even hesitated to answer me.

There is so much I want to know about him. What exactly played out in Guatemala? He uprooted his whole life to go. How has that affected what he's looking for now? Some of it is deeply personal, almost peering into his soul. Yet, I don't know if I truly have that right. If we're just play partners, then I would never feel I had that right. But I know it's more than just play partners to me. What am I to him? What does he want out of this? These aren't questions most people are used to having to answer.

I guess it's one of the good/bad things about being poly. To really make poly work, you have to be able to articulate with a fair amount of clarity what you want from a relationship. I've done reasonably well with being sure to state that things may change, and I always promise to communicated that change with as much notice as possible. That's a lesson I learned the hard way.

But I don't think he's poly at heart. He's always been up front that he is still looking for a long-term relationship, for someone to serve him full-time. I can't be that; really, I don't want to go through what it would take to be that. I think that if something terrible happened to pull L out of my life, he and I could make a pretty good go at it. But I'm not ever going to find out.

With him certainly not having a lot of poly experience, we never really defined if things would ever go beyond play partners. So now I'm trying to sort out if it's just me feeling insecure, or if I really do need to poke and see where things are at right now. It's been all of four months. Is that too soon?

The intensity level of BDSM is so high; how could I trust someone that completely and not end up with feelings for him? What I don't know is if he can feel this intensity and have it still be just play. The last few weeks, the intensity of play has been there, but afterwards, it's been much more of a pull-back. There are good, logical reasons for it. He needed to call his mom before she went to bed one week. The next, he'd spent the day before dealing with his mom's hip replacement surgery and was exhausted. This last week, he's just started the early shift. He was up at 4:30 am to get to work by 5:30 am. Of course he was exhausted.

Add to this the fact that my schedule is nuts this week, and I haven't seen him online. Then add this lovely monthly hormonal stew. What have you got? A recipe for one seriously insecure woman. Sigh. I thought I was doing so much better. I'm sure he's enjoying our scenes. God how I love that he makes that so obvious. But before, I could also cling to the way he held me, the way we talked, the bits of himself that were revealed.

I think, having gotten all of this out, that I am going to have to check in. At least to make sure that the pull back is just that he's got so much going on in his life, that it isn't something I've done to make him less comfortable.

A love/hate relationship ... with a rubberband!

For once, I was right on time as I climbed the stairs. Locking each of those doors behind me is like locking the world outside. Somehow, each door takes me that much deeper into my submission to Sir. I love that.

I received a new inspection once I arrived in Sir's living room, but I think I passed. His cat is visiting for a few weeks, and I was promptly greeted. :D Then Sir arrived; the feel of his hand petting my hair makes me melt every time, no matter the context.

I really need to find some new ways to rhapsodize about sucking Sir's cock, because I'm sure I'm going to bore everyone (even him) if I keep up with the same stuff. But truly, it's one of my favorite ways to serve him. It's just such fun! The feel of him in my mouth, the play of control as he lets me fuck my own throat or he does it his own way ... god I love it. Not to mention he tastes SO good.

One thing I didn't expect that I would enjoy so intensely is waiting for Sir's permission to cum. This time Sir decided it would be fun to notice just how long he was fucking my ass. I'm rather pleased with myself that I managed the entire 20 minutes without cumming! Oh my, it was work though! I think Sir was testing me a bit, because he'd go so deep, or play with my nipples, or just really fuck me hard for a while. I had to really focus to keep myself under control. But while I'm trying so hard not to cum, I get to experience everything that takes me to the brink for so much longer. That's a lot more fun than I was expecting!

I love how getting my ass fucked seems to make me feel extra nasty and slutty. Just that extra little bit adds so much to how submissive I feel. To me, it's fascinating to think about the contrast. I've worked very hard to move beyond the sheltered and repressed way I was raised, yet is those same feelings/values/views that add to my enjoyment of being his whore.

Then it was time for the needles. Sir had asked me to get three specific colors of ribbons, because he had something specific in mind. I was a bit surprised when he had me lay down on my front. The needles were going in my back this time!

Needles in my back actually hurt going in. Once they were in, it wasn't bad, but zouch! I think there were a few too many variables to be sure why, but this time didn't have quite the same intensity as the first. I still enjoyed it lots, and there definitely was still a rush, but it wasn't quite the same. Sir didn't quite manage the effect he was looking for with the ribbons, so we'll have to try that again.

However, the ribbons sliding across my back, especially the small of my back, now that made me very shivery. Sir liked that effect, so once we were done with that try at the ribbons, he played with me, making me shiver and shake. Then he got delightfully evil and got out the vibe. Oh my god, cumming that hard with 18 needles in my back ... now THAT was an experience! Mars is lovely this time of year! ;)

One of the things I love about Sir is how spontaneous and playful he can be. Not that this keeps him from being the sadistic pervert I adore, mind you! After I'd floated down from the needles, Sir suddenly grabbed a large rubber band. Originally he was going to try putting around my tits, but that didn't work the way he wanted it. So he started snapping the rubber band at my tits. Wow that's quite a bit of sting, but I did like it.

Then Sir got EVIL. He moved down between my legs and started really snapping the rubberband at my pussy! Holy moly that was some intense sting! I could not keep from crying out with every shot, and soon I couldn't really even hold still. It didn't take long before I was actually crying a bit; that's a first for me in the context of a scene. I'm very proud of myself that even when I couldn't be still, I always put myself right back where Sir had me.

I've caught myself a couple of times in our last few scenes feeling slightly whiny and resentful when my limits are being pushed. Generally this is something where it's a pain that's hard for me to absorb or to turn into pleasure. I am pleased that I'm pretty easily able to remind myself that Sir's pleasure comes first. Knowing how much he's enjoying whatever is pushing me makes it much easier to keep myself focused and okay.

That rubberband may have really pushed me, but god it made me so wet too! Once Sir started with his fingers, it didn't take long at all before I wanted to cum SO badly. I'm still amazed sometimes by my response to pain like that. I had no idea I'd like it that much!

So jealous ... of a movie

So, as I posted on the other place, I watched The Secretary earlier this week. I liked it as a movie, and god did it make me hot. It also nearly brought me to tears. When Lee (the female lead) looked at Edward and said "I love you" with all that rawness, my heart stopped. One of the things I've been trying hard to come to terms with about my relationship with Sir is that it's never going to quite be what it could.

For those who missed my very first posts in the other place, I'm in a polyamorous relationship. I have a partner, L, who I love with all my heart. Our 14th anniversary is the 19th. I cannot imagine my life without her. She is very aware of my relationship with Sir (and my previous relationships) and more importantly, she's okay with that. We've pretty much come to terms with how we do poly. Obviously, Sir is aware of L, and they've met (now THAT was an interesting dinner!).

Sir seems okay with this poly thing. However, he's pretty open on his profile that he's looking for a long-term, full-time submissive. I can't be that. If I didn't have L, I think there would at least be a possibility. But I don't even want to give up L. To be very clear, Sir has never even implied that I should. If anything, he is more protective of my relationship with L. His respect for that is one of the reasons I can trust him as fully as I do.

Today I read that one of my favorite bloggers over there has been collared. Underneath my joy for her was sadness/wistfulness. It is highly unlikely that I will ever have the honor of wearing Sir's collar. I've kind of hinted at the subject a couple of times. Sir has been pretty clear that to him, collaring and using "Master" are a very personal ownership thing, and he doesn't think that's appropriate to our situation.

When I sit down and think about it, it doesn't really change anything. Whether I wear something around my neck or not, I still trust Sir, fully and still strive to submit to him as fully as I can. Objectively, logically, rationally, I'm okay with this. But every once in a while ... oh I long to know what it feels like to have him claim me like that.

So what does this have to do with that scene from The Secretary? It's far to early to really be able to say it, but I don't really even dare dream it. Deep in my secret heart, I want to hope that someday I could say the same to him.

The first steps

My hands were shaking as I drove towards the restaurant. My mind was racing. I'd done everything he'd ordered. Skirt. No panties. Thigh-high stockings, although those had required a trip to Kohls for new ones. Squirming to remove my panties and get the stockings on in the Kohls parking lot had been difficult. My safecall to S was arranged. Was I crazy to be doing this? It was all moving so fast. I'd responded to Sir's email on bondage.com just on two days ago. We'd talked via IM yesterday, and then I'd been so shameless on cam and on the phone for him. Somehow hearing his voice had made it so easy. Low, just a bit of gravel, stern, yet with such focus and attention behind it; I melted before that voice.

I pulled into the parking lot, so thankful Sir had told me of the lot. I hate parallel parking, and it's worse when I'm nervous. Fortunately, I got one of the last spots in the lot, all the way at the back. Hurrying, I headed for the restaurant. I was early for once, and I worried about if I should wait at the door for him or get a table. Maybe he'd already be there. The picture from his profile was strong in my head; I really hoped I'd recognize him.

Inside the restaurant, I stopped to scan the nearby tables, hoping to see him. My eyes roamed the room and suddenly Sir caught my eye and waved. Wow -- he was definitely better-looking than that picture implied. Shaved head, goatee, blue eyes that I could feel peering into my soul from across the room. Strength radiated from him. Almost breathless, I made my way around the room to the high two top he was seated at. Still those eyes drew me on. I arrived at the table. Acutely conscious of the couple at the table next to ours, I bent to follow his order. "You will not wear panties, and when we meet, you will kiss my right hand. You will only address me as Sir, and I will only call you Whore." It was a strong hand. "Hello Sir," I breathed.

Somehow my coat was off, my purse hung on the back of the chair, and I climbed up into the stool. I hadn't taken bar stools into account when I'd chosen my clothing. While the long black skirt was a combination of demure ankle-length and a pair of slits up to each thigh, it took some settling to get comfortable. I wondered if Sir noticed the slits or not. Up close, the eye contact was positively electric. I could hardly breathe.

The waitress materialized, almost startling me. I looked to him; he had an O'Douls in front of him. The decision was made that we'd start with something to drink and see about dinner. I was relieved that he wasn't drinking alcohol as it meant I wouldn't stand out by not having any myself. My diet appeared quickly and she left us be for a bit. I called S, checked in, told her that everything was fine. I'd call her at 10 pm to check in again.

Sir quietly began discussing how he came to this lifestyle and asked how I had come to this point. I had to work hard to remain focused on the conversation; just being at the table with him was mesmerizing. He was so open, revealing things that aren't easy to just toss into conversation. It drew me out. I kept wanting to nearly drown in his eyes. I could not break the contact, even when it seemed he could see everything about me. There was such an aura of control about him.

Dinner was ordered and arrived. I think I ate some of it; I remember the waitress was concerned I hadn't liked the food. I certainly couldn't explain to her that I'd been far too mesmerized to actually eat much. As I tried to explain to her that I just wasn't that hungry, the small smile on his face said he knew why I'd hardly eaten.

We talked about limits and what each of us wanted. I finally had to tell Sir that all I knew for sure was that I wanted to give up control, to be used for another's pleasure. I wanted to find out what my limits really were. Then that low, soft voice began to tell me what he liked, what he would be doing to me. I remember flashes of it. The sudden realization that he'd just said he liked his ass licked. That, at least, I'd done and hadn't minded. Piss play -- he liked that, liked how nasty it was. Oh, the shivers that went down my spine every time he said "nasty." With a deep breath, I figured I'd give it a try. It would be a stretch, but I wanted to please him so badly already. I thought I would melt off my chair as he told me that I would fuck other men for him.

At some point, I realized the sheer quantity of diet coke I'd been drinking meant I needed the ladies room NOW. Careful to get his okay (just in case that was important to him), I slid off the stool. Returning, his grin hit me full force as he asked if I was wet. "Very," I honestly replied.

We talked about my relationship with L. He was relieved to hear that I had her express permission to play with others; she simply wasn't going to know the full context. I needed to know that I truly liked and needed this before I confronted her with these desires. Finally, Sir asked if I wanted to take this further. With an odd sense of fate, I said I did.

With that agreement, it was time to leave. We stood up, I got my coat and purse. As we walked out, I realized Sir was going to walk me to my car. He said something about checking to see if I could follow instructions. My brain raced, wondering what would happen when we got there. As we walked, I realized how big he was. There was a confusing maelstrom of safety and danger whirling inside of me.

We were standing next to my car. I turned to face Sir and looked up into those incredibly deep eyes again. Suddenly his hand was tangled in my hair, holding me so firmly as he kissed me. Oh. my. god. That kiss was as though all the controlled passion that had lurked beneath his surface exploded at once. I just melted into him. I could have spent hours revelling in that passion and control. Yet there was undercurrent of tenderness running through it. Then Sir pulled my head back and gave me his fingers to suck. I tried so hard to do my best. The groan that was pulled from his throat gave me my answer. His voice was so close in my ear for the first time, asking if I wished it were his cock. Finally I managed to gasp, "Yes Sir."

I was completely immersed in this experience. It was nearly shattering to realize how much I wanted this. How natural it was to be standing here in a parking lot, sucking his fingers, and to be completely focused on it. Nothing else mattered. When Sir released me, it was almost a shock to come back to myself a bit more. With a murmur from him, I found myself fondling his hardon through his pants. He felt huge!

He ordered me into my car to sit down and then prove that I could follow instructions. Trembling, I took off my coat, threw it to the passenger seat and sat down. Taking a deep breath, I spread my legs and pulled up the front flap of my skirt. Sir leaned over and brushed his fingers over the cunt he'd seen spread for him on cam yesterday. He exclaimed that he could smell my arousal from some distance away. Inwardly I squirmed with a combination of humiliation and pride that was heady stuff. He ran his finger up my slit, slapped my thigh, and gave me his finger to clean.

Sir glanced around the parking lot, opened his coat further, and suddenly his cock was before my face. Almost growling, he told me I knew what to do with it. That I did! With a feeling approaching reverence, I leaned over to take him in my mouth. God he tasted good and felt even better. From above me, I heard that voice again, telling me what a good whore I was, sucking cock in a parking lot. Sparkles ran down my spine as I realized that I was. It wasn't the easiest angle, but I did my best to demonstrate that I did love sucking cock. I was truly disappointed when he pulled out of my mouth and told me to put his cock back in his pants. I was promptly mortified to realize I'd never done that to a guy before. I did the best I could, but I truly do hope I didn't leave him uncomfortable. With a last kiss and a promise to talk soon, he left.

I sat in the car and just shook for a minute. I was overwhelmed with all that I'd experienced. Additionally, I was trying to comprehend that prim and proper me, who doesn't even really get hit on, had just done this. I'd met a strange man for dinner and then made out with him in the parking lot. I desperately wanted to go further. What had I begun?

Trying to keep myself in check

I so wish that I was better able to keep myself on an even emotional keel. I have no idea when I will see Sir next. I have at least spoken to him via IM this morning, which I thought would help. Yet it kind of upped the feeling of limbo. Our last session was a bit last-minute and neither of us was really in the right space. My body completely failed to cooperate -- my ass wasn't clean and then I was spotting. I puked when Sir was face-fucking me. I did at least manage to be of service in helping him cum, which is difficult while he adjusts to his new medication. I can't stop thinking that I just don't please him anymore. Three sessions in a row where he wasn't able to do some of his favorite things.

It's so hard for me to believe and understand that I am desireable, that someone else sees me as sexy, that someone wants to have sex with me, and not just because I'm there and convenient. I'm afraid I've stopped being convenient and now I'm not any fun anymore. My brain really likes to rehearse things many many times in advance. I wish I could get it to stop rehearsing how I'll learn that it is over, that if I want to continue to serve in this way I must find someone else I trust that much. Because objectively, if I look at it, there is no concrete reason to believe this. He specifically told me last time that he was not upset with me, he held me so close and so wonderfully. He's told me that he tends to be spontaneous, that it is hard for him to adjust to have to schedule time with me in advance. I'm learning how much I had leaned on knowing when I would be used next, usually within a few days.

I feel like such a whiny baby, complaining like this. I'm an adult. I should be able to suck it up and deal with this. I'm swinging so far between determination to keep thinking that things are fine, to keep thinking about a public flogging on Wednesday (he hasn't said we're NOT going ...), and thinking that I'm going to have to go get my cake taker before the Tupperware party. Why can't I make my brain/my heart/this damn gerbil running on a wheel in my head see reason? Why do I twist myself up inside, make L miserable, waste so much energy worrying about something I have very little control over?

I just want something to reassure me that he still wants me to serve him, that he does want to use me as I crave to used. I worry that I'm getting clingy and annoying, yet I feel as if I'll split in two if I don't KNOW one way or the other soon. What I want more than anything is to sit at his feet, hug his leg, feel him pet my hair, and let the music wash over me. To know that here I am free to be all of me, here it is safe to be the whore he names me. To simply wait for the next way I can please him.